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Positive self-esteem is very unstable. Just now we were pleased with ourselves, and the next minute someone’s remark or bad news can unsettle us, deprive us of confidence. Is it really so easy to control us, or is it something else? Narrated by psychotherapist Thomas Chamorro-Premusik.
To begin with, it is useful to define what self-esteem is. Self-esteem is an emotional judgment about our own worth. If you have healthy self-esteem, a positive or negative event changes how you feel about yourself—but not much, they can’t completely reverse it. You find it natural that bad days happen in life, and you readily accept constructive criticism. If you have low self-esteem, trials and failures greatly affect how you evaluate your own worth. You are nervous for any reason, often sad and concentrating on the negative side of things, or worried about what others think of you (here your imagination paints terrible pictures). Instead of accepting compliments and not being afraid to try new things, you avoid new challenges and lower your expectations in an attempt to protect yourself from heartache.
The solution is to forget about self-esteem for a while and focus on increasing self-confidence – how confident you are in certain of your abilities. Unlike self-esteem, self-confidence can vary from situation to situation – so it’s easier to “grow” it, because you can feel insecure in some circumstances and very confident in others. Let’s say you’re not sure you’re good at skiing, but you’re great at ping-pong and you’re a good mother, wife, and professional.
Myths about self-esteem that ruin everything
Compliments boost self-esteem
The researchers found a curious pattern – the more school teachers praise students (“you are amazing, amazing, unlike anyone else”), the faster their self-esteem decreases. Why? Yes, because we are able to distinguish meaningless compliments from the truth. People with low self-esteem get upset when they realize that all these eulogies are not true. You can increase your self-esteem by proving to yourself and others every day that we are really worth something. To assess how well you are doing, you can ask yourself test questions: how often does my mother call me? Does my husband/wife ask me for advice? Did colleagues come up to me after the presentation to ask something, to get my opinion? (I thought I failed the performance with a bang!) This way you make sure that you mean a lot to others without their compliments.
People with low self-esteem are insecure
In reality, they are just very sure that they are no good. Such people use all the accumulated experience of negativity to make sure once again that I am no good! That’s why it’s so hard to convince them otherwise. Whatever you yourself or someone around you may say, it cannot change how you feel about yourself. Instead of words, start making real changes in your life. Try to learn something new (even paint the kitchen a new color, even learn how to use a graphic editor on a computer) – and don’t worry that you will look “stupid”. Practice what you’ve always wanted to master, and allow yourself to fail. Start small, work towards your goal, and be fair to yourself to meet the challenge that you’re not good enough. How good too!
When I get / become X, my self-esteem will rise
If I had a cool job.. If my friends understood me… If I were more attractive… If my lover took care of me. It seems to many of us that as soon as the circumstances of our lives improve, self-esteem will automatically begin to grow. In fact, the basis of our physical and mental health is the satisfaction of basic needs. Take care of your body, set meaningful goals for yourself and achieve them, cultivate a sense of security alone with yourself. Developing personal relationships and contributing to your own spiritual development will also help boost your self-esteem. First satisfy the listed needs and only then move on to the next.
People with low self-esteem do not think about themselves
On the contrary, if you have low self-esteem, you even think too much about yourself. This does not mean that you are a narcissist. Perhaps past negative experiences and heartache torment you so much that you completely deny the positive aspects of your personality. When everything is in order with self-esteem, we forget to think about ourselves – the more you value yourself, the less often you use the word “I” in daily communication and your thoughts. Forgetting about yourself – in a good way – helps your favorite business or hobby. The easiest way to start is to mentally see yourself in a new way: you look healthy and happy doing something that you could be proud of. Let’s say you confidently carry on a conversation with colleagues or demonstrate mastery in mastering a skill that you have always dreamed of mastering. In any case, this will be the goal that will make you move forward.
Highly successful people have high self-esteem
High self-esteem is not God’s blessing, and low self-esteem, in turn, is not a sentence of fate. In fact, the opposite is true, says psychotherapist Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic. If self-esteem is low, we overreact to the words and actions of others, especially if we are criticized or judged. With overestimated self-esteem, we are in the grip of illusions – we overestimate our abilities and capabilities. In order not to slide into final pessimism, an insecure person needs to remember his ambitions and take action. If you are determined to raise your self-esteem, self-doubt is your best ally. The strength of confidence is that it is backed by solid achievements. People who managed to achieve outstanding results doubted at first whether they had enough strength, whether this was not a crazy idea, but they trained hard and constantly practiced to master the necessary skills. It is true what they say that success is the best cure for self-doubt.