How Scientologists Trap Us

The first thing I saw was a sign on a building that was clearly new and beautiful. I stepped closer. Gold letters on the white walls: Scientology. Dianetics. Since this all started.

And then – further I go and find myself in a spacious bright room, hung with advertising posters. A charismatic gray-haired man looks at me shrewdly from the biggest one. This is Ron Hubbard, I find out, remembering what I heard or read about him. A smiling young woman is walking towards me. She looks like a receptionist in a respectable office, except for one detail: a golden cross gleams in her hair. I say that I stopped by to inquire, because I heard a lot from my friend about Scientology and personal growth opportunities, but before I did not pay attention to the fact that there is a Scientology church in the very center of the city. My words do not cause any emotions, and she calls one of her colleagues. Sofya*, a smiling brunette in her thirties, invites me to discuss my “spiritual quest” in one of the offices located at the back of the building. I confess that I am embarrassed by the word “Scientology” written everywhere in a yard of gold letters, and this cross, and huge portraits of Ron Hubbard. A friend of mine talked about Dianetics as a way of personal development, but I didn’t know that Dianetics was related to Scientology. And this, apparently, is already a religion, and I am not at all sure that I am striving to acquire a new faith. “The fact is that Dianetics was the first discovery of Ron Hubbard,” explains Sophia calmly. – It is aimed at the development of the body and emotions. And then he created Scientology, which deals with spiritual development. But, of course, you can do Dianetics without being interested in Scientology!”

She hands me the Dianetics book. The flashy cover would have been more appropriate for a science fiction novel, which Hubbard, as far as I know, originally wrote. Only 900 rubles. “May I have your email address so I can send you an invoice?” Why do I need my email for the account – I wonder, but mechanically I dictate. Sophia hands me a paper, and I find in the lower right corner that my personal information – first name, last name, email address – “already entered into the card file of the Church of Scientology.” But why? Just because I bought the book? “Don’t worry, it’s just a formality. And you will surely enjoy the book. It describes ways in which you can quickly and easily gain trust. And there is a dictionary that will help you understand all the concepts. You will see, it is amazingly interesting!” Well, so be it. I paid 900 rubles for my curiosity, and now it’s probably time to leave. “If you have some time, I can suggest you go and watch the DVD, which contains a summary of the book,” Sophia says. A six hundred and eighty-eight-page summary of the book must be fascinating… And within minutes, I’m sitting in a comfortable chair in front of a large flat screen next to this young woman, who, apparently, is determined to become my best friend. Next to us, young people silently go about their business. I feel quite comfortable, almost like at home. If only it weren’t necessary to watch this film, depressing with its senselessness! It looks like a cut from several very bad TV shows at once. Spouses insult each other, men burst into tears, someone gets killed in a car accident, someone’s mother sobs … And the voice-over tells me sincerely that the difficulties we experience in expressing or controlling our emotions are associated with “engrams” (traumatic experiences) recorded in our “reactive mind”. That engrams prevent us from functioning normally, and the task of Dianetics is to erase the chain of engrams, down to the “basic” one that occurs at the level of the embryo, in order to free the reactive mind. And as a result, make us strong, self-confident and very happy. I politely ask what a “reactive mind” is. Is it the same thing that psychologists mean when they talk about the unconscious? “Almost, but there is an important difference: we can easily penetrate it and we have effective ways to do this.” Everything in Ron Hubbard’s world seems so easy, so effective! But Sophia is absolutely convinced that she says: “Our methods work, I have proof!” And she really looks beautiful, she smiles all the time.

I notice a certain device installed on a separate table, like a holy relic, and equipped with two metal tubes. “What is it?” – “A! This is an e-meter, or electropsychometer. Want to try? If you take both tubes connected by a wire, then a very weak current will pass through your body, thanks to which the device will be able to register the level of energy generated by your emotions. Try it: hold the tubes and think about some painful event. Just don’t move.” While I’m collecting my thoughts, Sophia touches the button on the car, and the arrow jumps abruptly to the other end of the scale. “You see! You have strong emotions associated with this event! Now think of something nice.” The car is running wild again. “Now don’t think about anything.” The arrow goes off scale again. I murmur embarrassedly, “I don’t seem to know how to hide my feelings.” “Yeah, it looks like it… Do you have some time?” “An hour or two.” “In that case, I can suggest that you get audited, you will see, it is really effective.” I have already seen auditing in the film, a one-to-one conversation in which an experienced Scientologist (the “auditor”) invites a newcomer (the “preclear”) to recount his traumatic experience over and over again in order to erase the engram.

I hesitate: and if I do this, then I will become a Scientologist? Sofya laughs, explaining that this does not impose any obligations on me.

“I’ll go get Alexander, he’ll be your auditor,” she says. I suddenly start to panic. Who is Alexander? A charismatic man in his sixties, who sees right through me, terrifying with his insight and severity? I’m getting ready to meet a clone of Ron Hubbard. But Alexander is about thirty or thirty-five years old, he is in jeans and a white shirt, has short hair, a pleasant smile and looks more like a young Tom Cruise, who, however, is also a great adherent of Scientology. We go to the auditing room. I seem to be a little flattered by the trust that is given to me, allowing me so easily into a closed and secret world. To think, only half an hour ago I didn’t know anything about these people and their organization. I try to make a joke on this subject, but Alexander puts his finger to his lips, explaining in a whisper that auditing is also taking place in the neighboring rooms and silence must be observed. This reassures me a little: I’m not the only newcomer here. We enter a tiny room. Two chairs on opposite sides of the desk, a narrow window, a heater running at full blast. The room is unbearably hot. “Aren’t you cold?” I don’t answer, thinking it’s a joke. Although I already understand that it is difficult to have a sense of humor here.

The friendly smile of Alexander, who is sitting opposite me, calms me a little. But not for long. We are absolutely alone, surrounded by deep silence, and I am already exhausted from the heat. “Did you drink alcoholic beverages in the last twenty-four hours? Did you take protein or vitamins this morning?” It’s nice, of course, that he cares about my health. But why does he ask about it? And what will be required of me next? I politely pronounce the expected answers.

“Now I will count to three. You close your eyes and try to remember everything that happens to you. You can end your session at any time if you wish. One two Three”. The solemnity of his tone makes me laugh a little, but I decide to play the game. For real.

“Close your eyes. Recall some recent memory, such as yesterday. Are you already there? Describe to me what you see.” “I am sitting at the table at home, in the kitchen, next to me is my son, he is laughing at the joke of my husband, who is sitting opposite.” – “What do you feel?” “I am pleased, I also smile. I feel good, I like to see how they laugh together. Yes, I’m fine. Although…” – “What?” “I also feel some sadness.” “What makes you sad? Do you understand this? – “Of course I understand. But I don’t want to talk about it.” – “What do you feel?”

I feel that I will cry now, and this is not at all in my plans. I open my eyes and say rather abruptly, “I don’t feel like talking about it.” – “I understand. Close your eyes. Focus on this event again. What do you see? He doesn’t care about me. I just told him…

“I understand. Close your eyes. Tell me what you see.”

Well, if he wants to play these games…

“I am in line for an ultrasound. There are five other women next to me.” – “What do you feel?” “Impatience, I want the doctor to call me as soon as possible. I’m hungry, it’s already four o’clock in the afternoon, and I haven’t even had breakfast.” – “What do you see?” I describe in detail the lobby of the clinic. The arrival of the doctor, my excitement. The office, the couch, the friendly exchange with the doctor, the coldness of the gel on my stomach. And then an unexpectedly long silence. Doctor’s face. He straightens up. One of his hands is still on my stomach, the other he rubs his forehead, then nervously does something with the computer. On the screen, I see my sleeping baby, close up, then long shot, then close up again. The doctor takes a deep breath. “Any problems?” I force myself to ask this question, hoping that the answer will always be “no”. But he says yes.

I’m crying. I feel bad, it seems to me that I was stabbed in the stomach – just like on that day, a few months ago. “I don’t want to talk about it, we’ll stop there, I don’t want to.” The imperturbable Alexander hands me a pack of paper handkerchiefs. Looks like I’m not the first to cry here… “I understand. Close your eyes. Return to the beginning of this scene. You are in line. What do you see? I keep crying, but I obey. And again I describe the same scene, adding some details at the request of my auditor – the color of the walls, the chair to my left, the doctor’s words: “I’m sorry.”

I keep crying and crying. I open my eyes. We need to stop there already.

I feel too bad. “Please, I can’t take it anymore.” – “I understand. Close your eyes. Go back to the beginning of this scene.” But he told me that I can stop whenever I want! This is even written in their book, I remember the moment from the movie! However, at the same time the advice to the auditor is given: “Don’t stop, keep going over and over.” Alexander is a very disciplined auditor. And I turn into an obedient preclear. I return to the beginning of the scene. Through sobs, I add details: I press my face against the doctor’s shoulder, I dictate my husband’s number to him, because I can’t dial it myself, my hands won’t obey me. Steps that I recognize from afar, my husband’s pale face, his hand on my head: “We will definitely have more children.” I can’t get up, his hand finds mine: “Let’s go home.”

I’m crying, I’m hot, terribly hot, my head is spinning, my lips are dry. “Couldn’t we stop there?” – “I understand. Close your eyes. Return to the beginning of this scene. Now concentrate on how you feel. Tell me”. What does he understand? He doesn’t understand a damn thing, he has no sympathy, he has no emotions! I return to the beginning of this scene again and again. Only seventeen times. For the sixteenth time, I don’t cry anymore. Finally. For the seventeenth time, I don’t feel anything anymore. Nothing. “What do you feel?” “I feel relieved. My husband is next to me, and it’s good that he’s here.”

I open my eyes. I look at my phone to see what time it is. Alexander is ahead of me: “It’s 13:26 now.” I remember entering the building at 11 sharp.

“I really have to go.” I am completely exhausted, I want to eat. I’m afraid to get sick.

“Close your eyes, we will finish auditing now. Return to a pleasant event. I talk about an afternoon in the park with my husband and son. We didn’t go to the park yesterday, I’m making up my mind: I just want to stop all this as soon as possible. “Are we done?” “Yes, we’re done now. Close your eyes. Now return to the present. Are you here? I’ll count to five, and when I snap my fingers, you’ll erase everything you’ve been talking about.” Finger snaps, I open my eyes, feeling stunned. Besides, I’m embarrassed to look into the eyes of this stranger, to whom I have just told about my most intimate grief. What will he do with it? Sophia is waiting for us below, of course with the most joyful look. “Well, how?” I’m trying to put on a serene air to please her. And to be able to leave: “It’s very good.” Alexander assures her that we have started a good job. “Started? What’s next?” “We should see each other again as soon as possible, I didn’t have time to completely erase this engram.” He had two hours! I say I’ll think about it and call you back. 13.45. I’m finally getting out. Inside is desolation. But I also feel some lightness. Yes, I do feel a little better. But why? Is it because I “wiped out the engram” or because what felt too much like torture ended?

I have to switch to something, do something else.

But already at six in the evening Alexander calls to find out how I’m doing. “We need to see each other again in order to completely erase this event from you.” I don’t want this at all. In addition, it pisses me off when pressure is put on me. Today is Wednesday, I suggest calling him back next Monday. “Can’t you come tomorrow?” – “So fast?” “Yes, and we only need an hour.” And with a sigh, I agree. He promises to completely calm the pain in one hour, which has not gone anywhere for four months. How can you not give up? Will it suddenly work? And then, after all, all this costs nothing for me yet – unlike going to a psychotherapist (my husband has long been offering this option).

But this pressure… I feel inferior. What if I decide to stop now? Too late, probably – Alexander already knows so much about me. He saw me in tears, in an absolutely “disassembled” state. And it seems that he even managed to calm him down. I voluntarily return to what until today I could not think without tears. And I feel like the story of another woman is unfolding in front of me. I don’t feel anything anymore.

Then who is this Alexander: an experienced psychologist, a dangerous manipulator? I still can’t sleep that night. But the next day, feeling empty in my stomach, I still go to the Scientologists. As soon as I see Alexander, I suddenly relax. How could I write such horrors about this affable and pleasant man? With a light heart, I follow him into the room, where it is still very hot. And we all start again. All the same story with the same returns to the beginning. But only without my tears. I’m in great control of the situation. Five times I repeat the same scene, adding colors, smells, describing my feelings in more and more detail. However, I’m not sure that I’m only telling the truth. But half an hour later he snaps his fingers, I open my eyes, and we smile at each other. “See, you erased that engram!”

We again go down to Sophia to sum up: “Did this experience seem interesting to you?” And seeing that my face is relaxed and my eyes are completely dry, she does not even wait for an answer: “I told you about the incredible effectiveness of our method. And this is just the beginning!” Start of what? What else is possible to continue? “It depends on you. You are free to choose.”

If I want to “keep progressing”, I can resume these sessions as long as not all engrams will be erased. Or, as I am advised, I can sign up for a training this weekend: two days of group classes. And I will act either as a preclear, or as an auditor! “But I can’t audit!” – “Oh, you will be quite satisfied with the skills that you have acquired during your own auditing!” Listening to the experiences of a stranger, over and over again forcing him to plunge into them again, without being prepared for this … I remember how many years my friend studied at the Faculty of Psychology. “How much will the training cost?” I expect to hear a space price. But it is not very large – it is quite comparable with the prices of personal growth trainings, the advertisements of which I sometimes come across. “I’m busy on weekends.” “Then in a week? In the meantime, read Ron Hubbard’s book, it will help you.” I don’t want to upset Sophia, but yesterday I read about fifty pages. And I realized that I would not go any further. A hodgepodge of pseudoscientific terms, wild hypotheses allegedly confirmed by laboratory research, and at times elementary illiteracy in the use of “smart” words. Not to mention the obvious megalomania and peremptoryness of a man who suddenly decided that he is a god … In the hall, young people crowd around a couple who came to show their newborn baby. An atmosphere of general joy and fun. Everyone smiles, like Sophia and Alexander. Friends. If I want to join them, then everything depends on me. No, not only from me. My unwillingness is not enough. The next day Alexander cannot get through to me and leaves a message. He wants to know how I’m doing and how far I’ve come in reading. I don’t call back. The next day, another message. Four days later, two more. Now their tone is changing: Alexander is excited. “Call me back so I know you’re all right.” I start to get angry with myself: this is just childish, why make them worry … After all, he said that I myself decide whether to continue or not.

Over the next three weeks, I receive dozens of messages. They become more and more agitated and persistent, as if a close person is calling who has not received news from me for a long time. This is followed by an email from Sophia, who, of course, is also alarmed. This time, I politely reply that I’m fine, but I don’t want to continue the meetings. The next day – a new letter: “What happened? We thought you enjoyed auditing very much. Give me a call, that would be very kind of you.” But I don’t want to be nice, even at the risk of making myself feel very guilty. Moreover, I am changing my email address. The next day, a new message on the answering machine and three missed calls. There is no way out: I go to the office of my operator and change the phone number. It seems that only now can I finally “freely decide” that I do not want to see Sophia and Alexander again.

* All names have been changed.