By allowing young children to decide for themselves whether or not to go out, go to bed or watch cartoons, some parents believe that this is how they develop independence in them. In fact, a life without boundaries and guidelines makes a child very vulnerable. How to learn to say «no» to him? Clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst Irina Sizikova tells.
Sasha is a little boy, he will soon be 4 years old. He used to contradict his mother, but she does not know how to behave with him. Once, when Sasha had a fever, his mother tried to give him medicine, but the boy did not want to. Mom persuaded her son in various ways: she offered gifts, cartoons, tried to cheer him up. Nothing helped, Sasha flatly refused. It would seem — not scary — except that the child never took the medicine, and the mother could not show him that she is an adult and it is she who decides what is good and what is needed now for him. The child took the place of an adult — and as a result endangered his health and, possibly, his life.
I often hear from parents how difficult it is for them to get their child to go to bed on time, sit him down at the table or send him to wash. These parents seemed to be captured by their children. Unfortunately, as a result of this «seizure of power», the child develops psychological or behavioral problems.
For example, some children behave impulsively, get angry, scream. They run, make noise, impose their desires on others. It happens that the baby himself decides whether to go for a walk or not. If the parents try to insist, he becomes furious, throws a tantrum — and to avoid this, the family stays at home. Others cry — constantly and for any reason. It seems to an outsider that they are too vulnerable, sensitive. In fact, these children use crying to get their way.
Respect the limits
If we take a closer look, we will see that the reasons, by and large, are in the behavior of the parents. Some take care of the child and want to do «the best». Others are driven by the fear of violating the personal boundaries of their son or daughter. And some are afraid that if they force the child and deny him something, he will decide that mom and dad do not love him.
In any case, they try to avoid the tears and suffering of the child. And they do everything to make him happy and happy. But the lack of rules has a negative effect on children, despite their best efforts. Children who do not know the prohibitions are psychologically very vulnerable. They hardly tolerate frustration, do not feel safe and easily fall into dependence on anyone who can become their protection and support.
Setting rules is an important parenting task, and adults need to take responsibility, including for their own mistakes. To limit a child means first of all:
- refuse him some requests;
- prohibit going to certain places;
- be able to punish a child for breaking the rules;
- insist on fulfilling certain requirements: do homework, brush your teeth, take medicine, say hello, and so on.
Why are bans needed?
1. Rules help the child understand the difference between what is allowed and what is forbidden. He cannot decide for himself what is good and what is bad. And we, parents, have the opportunity to show what can and cannot be done.
2. Rules and prohibitions introduce the child to the laws of the world and help develop habits, strategies to interact with it. The child feels safe, he is sure that he is able to control what surrounds him. But the rules need to be clear and understandable. It is important that parents are consistent in applying the rules, not saying “yes” today and “no” tomorrow on the same occasion.
3. Restrictions are a meeting with reality, where not all desires are fulfilled and far from everything is allowed. A child who is deprived of the ability to wait, to endure frustration, to postpone pleasure, becomes capricious, unrestrained, quick-tempered.
4. Parental «no» keeps the child from growing up too fast. By refusing, we take responsibility for him, show that he does not have to make adult decisions and can rely on us. The child learns to trust his parents and just be small.
5. Saying “no” teaches children to respect other people and other people’s opinions.
6. Following clear rules changes the daily life of the family for the better, simplifies decision-making on a variety of domestic issues.
Within reasonable limits
Saying “no” all the time or not answering at all is also bad. Look for the «golden mean». Rules are a compromise between “yes” and “no”, but the most important thing is simple, understandable and reasonable settings within which the child can act without fear that they will suddenly change. I knew a parent who punished his son for biting his nails, although he himself never cut them. Such punishment is unjust and unacceptable. When a child realizes this injustice, he will cease to respect not only this rule, but also others established by his parents.
How to learn to say «no»?
If a child is already accustomed to living without prohibitions, it is impossible to quickly change the situation. I would suggest linking the changes to some significant, turning point event. For example, by the beginning of the school year at school or in kindergarten, by the birthday. By the time the child moves to a large bed or to a separate room. These are important stages that show that he has grown and can be proud of it. Such changes are a reason to explain that it is growing and that now the rules are changing. For example, he can no longer go to bed at 22 pm, but will go to bed at 20:45 pm so that it is easy to get up in the morning.
When announcing the new rules, find a way to highlight the benefits of his age — for example, buy him a watch or his own alarm clock and teach him to read numbers. The child will be proud that he has his own alarm clock, like an adult, and that he can understand numbers. In a word, your task is to introduce new rules so that they have an element of play and fun.
You can also set up a board with a sheet on which to write or draw new rules. Fill out the sheet with your child: becoming a co-author of the project, he will more easily obey the new requirements. You may have to endure the child’s resistance to innovation, his tantrums, crying. Whatever it is, the rules must be followed. Over time, the child will accept them and his behavior will change.
Don’t forget to show that you are proud of your child every time he meets new requirements. It is important that he always feel your love. Even when you punish him, the child must be sure that he is still loved: it is not he who is bad for us, but his act. Be prepared to go back and review the rules with your child from time to time.
In difficult cases, I recommend seeking help from a specialist who will help you understand the situation, determine a strategy for change and support you in moments of crisis that will inevitably arise in the process of this difficult but necessary work.