Parents try to praise the child at every opportunity, believing that in this way they help him form a healthy self-esteem. But the American psychoanalyst Stephen Gross is sure that praise for children is as harmful as sweets. And offers another way to instill self-confidence in a child.
Numerous self-esteem studies conducted over the past ten years have shown that a child will not necessarily learn better if he is praised for his “intelligent” attitude. In fact, praise can, on the contrary, make you study at half strength.
Children often react to praise in this way – why work on a new drawing when the last one was “the best”? Also, the child can simply start repeating everything that he has already done, because why draw something new or in some new way, if the old one goes away with a bang?
Scientific data
In a now-famous 1998 study, psychologists Carol Dweck and Claudia Muller asked 128 XNUMX- to XNUMX-year-old children to solve a series of math problems. After completing the first set of simple examples, the researchers praised each child with just one single phrase. Some were praised for their intelligence: “You did a great job, you are very smart.” Others were noted for perseverance and diligence: “You did a great job, you probably had to work very hard.”
The children were then given a new set of more complex examples. The results were amazing. Students who were praised for their efforts showed significantly more willingness to look for new approaches to problem solving. In addition, they were more persistent in their work, and their failures, as a rule, were explained not by a lack of intelligence, but by insufficient diligence.
Children who were praised for their intelligence were more worried about the possibility of failure, they mostly tried to choose tasks that confirmed the knowledge they already had, and showed less persistence as the examples became more complex. Ultimately, the thrill of “you’re so smart” gave way to increased anxiety and lower self-esteem, motivation, and performance.
In short, a single laudatory phrase was enough to undermine the kids’ self-confidence.
“Good girl”, “you are the best with us” – such admiration for our children can temporarily raise our own self-esteem, because in this way we signal to others what fantastic parents we are and what amazing children we are raising. But for the self-awareness of the children themselves, this is of little use. Trying our best to be different from our parents’ generation, we, in fact, behave in exactly the same way as they behaved with us, that is, we throw empty praises like the adults of our childhood thoughtlessly scolded on every occasion.
What is good for the child?
As a result, we return to the original problem – if praise does not raise a child’s self-esteem, then what does?
Ask Charlotte Stiglitz, the mother of Nobel laureate economist Joseph Stiglitz, who taught reading for many years at a remedial school in northwest Indiana. “I never praise a child if he copes with what he should be able to cope with anyway,” she says. “I only praise children if they do something really difficult, like sharing their toys or being patient. Also, I think it’s very important to say “thank you” to them. If I do not have time to help the child in time, and he patiently waits, I will definitely thank him for this. But I won’t praise him for just playing or reading.”
No over-the-top rewards and no harsh punishments—Charlotte focused on what the child did and how he did it. Here is her dialogue with a four-year-old boy who is busy drawing. When he paused and looked at her (perhaps expecting praise), she smiled and said, “There’s so much blue in your picture.” “This is a pond at my grandmother’s house. And there is also a bridge, – the boy answered. He took a brown pencil. “Now I’ll show it to you.” Charlotte talked to the boy without making him hurry, but most importantly, she saw him and listened to him. She was present in his world.
It is this presence that raises the self-esteem of the child, because it makes him understand that he deserves the attention and thought of an adult. Otherwise, the child may come to the conclusion that his actions are not an end in themselves, but only a way to earn praise. How can you expect diligence and attentiveness from a child without being attentive to him? The presence in the world of other people, whether children or friends, and, for that matter, even the presence in your own world, is very hard work. But isn’t this attention – that is, the feeling that someone is trying to think about us – we all want more than any praise?
About the Expert: Steven Gross is a psychoanalyst with over 25 years of experience. Born in the USA, studied at the Universities of California, Berkeley, Oxford. Currently lives and works in London. The book “The Art of Living” (Eksmo, 2015) brought the author worldwide fame, topping the bestseller lists in Europe and the United States.