Contents
Anger is one of the most powerful human feelings. Under its influence, we cease to control ourselves, do and say things that we later regret. Emotional intelligence will help you learn how to properly express feelings and find compromises.
Nobody likes confrontations, but you can’t escape them, that’s life. You have to assert yourself, defend boundaries and needs, accept the fact that others do the same.
You can express frustration and despair in terrible ways, a million ways. But if you need a result, it is better to turn on emotional intelligence.
Role of anger
Anger — both direct and indirect or passive — carries important information and it also repels people. We want to be heard, but if anger is involved, we get the opposite result. Aggression in any form creates obstacles to emotionally intelligent communication.
Many people tend to think that passive-aggressive communication is generally a good thing, but it is not. Unfortunately, by resorting to such methods, people act to their own detriment. The French language has a great definition of passive aggression: sous-entendu, which means «subtext.» We utter a phrase that sounds quite innocent, but in fact it contains malicious intent. If we are seeking honest, meaningful dialogue and mutual understanding, we need a different strategy.
What does passive aggression look like? In fact, this is a hidden injection. Twitter is especially famous for this. When model Chrissy Teigen went out for a romantic dinner with husband John Legend shortly after giving birth, followers immediately called her a bad mom. Some of the tweets were overtly aggressive, and some were passive-aggressive, like this one:
“I never intended to leave my daughter, I love her, but this is my business” — here it is, passive aggression!
Research confirms that hostile communication style is always repulsive. Are you aggressive or passive-aggressive? people will react negatively. They are uncomfortable, they do not understand what is happening, and they want to stay away from it.
But anger can be expressed without destroying the relationship.
In some cultures, extreme straightforwardness is accepted — take the same New Yorkers. They are accustomed to cutting the truth-womb. If people in your environment communicate differently, this style may seem harsh and rude.
Other cultures are more evasive. Many perceive the French communication style as typically passive-aggressive. In the South and Midwest of the United States, correctness is preferred over straightforwardness — people behave quite delicately. But the more external warmth there is in a culture, the more often one will have to deal with cold. Although, in fact, none of the listed approaches leads to the desired construct.
How to deal with anger?
Anger asks to come out, but remember that aggressive and passive-aggressive behavior only repels people. What to do?
1. Realize what’s really going on
Seething with anger? Try to cool down. Do not rush to throw out indignation in someone’s face, in a message or letter, nothing good will come of it. When we get angry, the mind is «stolen». With high activity of the emotional centers of the brain, logical thinking almost does not work. Slow down — vision will clear up, and communication will become effective. Breathe, go for a walk, watch a funny movie, meditate, pray, do a couple of physical exercises — everything that will help restore composure and objective perception.
2. Understand your emotion
Is it really anger? Perhaps you are just upset or offended. It often seems that we are pissed off by a person or situation, but in fact we feel someone’s rejection, sadness or pain. First understand what this emotion is, and then decide whether to communicate.
3. Don’t blame others
It’s easy to blame a person or a situation. We are hungry, tired, overworked, stressed, unhappy in marriage, the first person we meet is to blame, usually someone close to us. It turns out that we push away the people we love, it’s terrible. It doesn’t get any easier — they weren’t the cause of the anger.
4. Be curious
By focusing on the causes of anger, sadness, or disappointment, we focus on ourselves. Negative emotions make us self-centered. There is no place for anyone in our life, because we are too closed to our point of view. What happens to other people is not considered. It will be useful to develop curiosity in yourself. Interested in why others act a certain way. Instead of confrontation, it’s smarter to ask why they do it. Most do not even think of plotting, but many offend or anger others by accident. Perhaps the one who provoked our anger did not mean to hurt us at all. Try to understand before accusing.
5. Show empathy
When we agree to accept someone else’s point of view and ask «why?» instead of inventing the worst versions, we create a space for sincere communication and show that we respect the other person’s right to think, feel and act in his own way. The result is a full understanding and deep relationships based on mutual agreements, courtesy, sympathy and empathy. If you turn aggression on people, they will be forced to defend themselves and will also respond with anger. And if we come in peace, we are likely to be listened to and present our views.
6. Communicate smartly
When expressing an opinion, use the word «I» and talk about your feelings. But do not get carried away, otherwise you will get stuck in egocentrism. Ask your opponent to say what he thinks. Make it clear that this is important to you, and together discuss how to reach a compromise. Ask, don’t blame.
What to do if passive aggression is directed against you?
Here are a few ways to make a difference.
1. Convict
They are easy to grab with the phrase: “I understand correctly, it was passive aggression?” Caught hot, they may hastily retort «Oh, what are you!» Then, if you want, try to find out why they are upset. Start a polite conversation to understand how they feel.
2. Ignore
Is someone trying to impose their hostile attitude on you? You don’t have to take the bait.
3. Empathize and forgive
A passive-aggressive or aggressive personality is likely to be irritated and tense. A person is bad, he is unhappy. Carrying so much anger inside is hard. Wish them well, just remember to set clear boundaries in communication.
In doing so, we create a space where these people can explain what is happening to them, which is better than accepting and repelling attacks.
Source: psychologytoday.com