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We have become accustomed to this expression, although we do not know exactly what it means. Is it possible to live next to passive aggressors? Who are these people, dangerous and desperate?
Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club, you can easily hear: “You see, I was unlucky, he turned out to be a passive aggressor …” This expression is often used without having an accurate idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat is hidden behind it. The term itself was coined during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refuse to obey orders: not openly rebelling against them, they play for time, grumble, act inefficiently, that is, engage in passive sabotage.
Subsequently, passive-aggressive personality disorders were included in the famous DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Handbook of Mental Disorders, compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then they were removed from it in 1994, when the fourth edition was published: their clinical description seemed to the compilers not clear enough.
In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, passive-aggressive disorders has increased
Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually found its way into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more personalities of this type. “In Freud’s time, sexual repression contributed to the emergence of hysteria or obsessions, – elaborates psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix (Marie-José Lacroix). “In this age of narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in addictions, depression, and borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.”
Resistance in disguise
This is not to say that passive-aggressive behavior is characteristic of any one type of personality. We all tend to behave this way at some point in our lives, psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord point out.1. For example, in adolescence or when falling into adverse circumstances. We can “slow down” and “stupid” when we do not agree with others, but for fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to protect ourselves and survive.
But there are those among us for whom disguised insubordination becomes the only way to communicate. “It is difficult for them to confront openly, since open aggression, self-defense, does not fit into the image of the “right” person, as they think of themselves,” says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. “Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas – in love, social life, at work, in the circle of friends … This makes communication with them very unpleasant.” “Their passivity in the face of life’s difficulties greatly complicates the relationship,” confirms Marie-Jose Lacroix. Added to the inertia is the repressed anger that others feel and which eventually becomes unbearable.
We all tend to be passive-aggressive at some point in our lives.
“When Maria came to work, we were delighted. She seemed soft, warm, modest, always ready to help. Her duties included scheduling meetings, distributing mail, making appointments. Everything went well at first. In a face-to-face conversation, Maria answered “yes” to all instructions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back on her, she rolled her eyes eloquently. When they asked her for anything, she acted deliberately slowly, complained for any reason, scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and reassure her – in vain. Eventually she was fired.
She went to court, tried to impersonate the victim asked several employees to write false testimonies. We all refused. Her departure was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we are all scoundrels. She confided in me and explained that she was cursed, that her whole life was “corrupted” by “bad people” and that no one ever protects her from the injustices of which she is constantly a victim. Lyudmila, an accountant at an event management company, feels vaguely guilty as she relates this story, but she concludes: “Though it’s terrible to say, I was relieved when Maria left. I had the impression when communicating with her that I can say and do anything, but it won’t change anything.”
Is it possible to defend?
Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how not to become a victim of a passive-aggressive personality.
At work
What to do: A passive-aggressive boss can only be tolerated if you don’t need any encouragement at all. If the goals are not set clearly enough and if no matter what you do, you are always unhappy with it, then the best solution is to leave: at least a minimum of recognition is necessary for everyone. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not let him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Don’t let yourself be drawn into the triangle. Don’t try to save him or attack him when he complains. Do not act like a victim because he is always unhappy and never gives positive feedback. It won’t help you and you run the risk of falling into a vicious circle.
In private life
What to do: Calm him down. The passive aggressor suffers from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he does not feel that he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to express himself freely so that he does not indulge in gloomy thoughts in his corner.
What not to do: Don’t let someone who thinks they have the right to throw their anger and frustration in the face of others make you a victim. Don’t pretend not to notice: his anger will be multiplied tenfold. Do not scold him, as a parent would do – this is what serves as a “trigger” for his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.
Chronic dissatisfaction
Passive-aggressive personalities are always unhappy, because they can’t define their desires. “Due to the lack of adequate protection, it is difficult for them to understand their true needs,” explains Grigory Gorshunin. – Their chronic sabotage of work, and often of their own lives, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment according to the principle “revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, went on foot.”
Passive aggression can be seen as a kind of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical tinge. Then it is replaced by violent sadistic acting out (“you yourself are all bad”) or bodily reactions, going into illness.”
When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty
Don’t get personal when dealing with passive-aggressive people. and try to make them feel guilty, because they will turn any words against the “offender”. Anyone who is nearby will have to avoid the trap they set at all costs. “This trap is the victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. – If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other in most cases begins to play one of the remaining two. Our task is to realize this so as not to enter into a game where there are no winners.”
Martyrdom and torment
Passive aggressors like to be seen as martyrs and they consider themselves as such. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-Jose Lacroix. “And in their lives, scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow each other.”
At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, harassing others, complaining, turning unspoken reproaches to them. They can take pleasure in the suffering they inflict. Their seeming passivity and inertia, complete self-centeredness hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrolled way. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although it may seem completely ordinary to others. Then they turn to infantile behavior and can suddenly start shouting at others for no reason, not paying attention to the destruction that is being sown around.
They are deprived of a “mental container” that would help them regulate their behavior.
“Passive aggression is often the result of upbringing, when a child is taught to depend on a figure who enjoys unquestioned authority and power, explains Marie-Jose Lacroix. “Some form of masochism could have arisen when a child failed to show his needs, to show independence, to discover who he (or she) is, because he was opposed by a suppressive perfectionist parent …”
Passive-aggressive individuals lack, according to the psychoanalyst, a “mental container”. It is built from early childhood with the help of the mother’s words. For example, when a child cries, thinking that he is dying of hunger, the mother speaks to him and soothes him. She helps him endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, to restrain emotions that are unbearable for him. “She gives the child a kind of shell that protects him from the external environment, potentially aggressive and anxiety-provoking.
Typically, such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some don’t. They have this shell as if broken through, ”continues the psychoanalyst. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down they silently scream: “I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!” This thirst remains unquenched because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.
1 In How to Deal with Difficult People (Generation, 2007).