How Parental Injunctions Can Ruin Our Lives

Parents transmit a set of “messages” to a small child, on the basis of which he draws conclusions about himself, about other people and about the world around him. As a rule, such attitudes are expressed in the form of prohibitions, which can be both constructive and destructive.

Constructive ones contribute to the preservation of the life and health of the child, help to adapt in society, form moral principles. They are necessary because:

• help you find a purpose in life
• give you the opportunity to organize your time;
• help to learn skills and learn from experience.

Destructive prohibitions come into conflict with the desires and natural needs of the child, negatively affect his development, can cause suicidal thoughts, form maladaptive behavior.

In some families, out of fear, parents repeat to the child from early childhood: “You don’t have the ability to do this, you can’t do it!”, In others, they punish bad behavior by inattention and ignoring.

Thus, the basic life position of children is formed in relation to themselves (who am I? What am I?) And to the world around them (what are those who surround me?). It is not surprising if a child brought up in a regime of harsh, destructive prohibitions takes the path of a destroyer of his own life.

In psychology, several destructive parental prohibitions have been identified.

“Don’t feel!”

Such a parental attitude forbids the child to express feelings, emotions, desires. For example, a child says: “The soup is not tasty.” Mom replies: “Don’t make it up, it’s delicious.” The child complains: “I’m hot,” and the mother says: “No, it’s not hot!” As a result, it turns out that a person by adulthood does not know how to trust his feelings.

The child must be allowed to express emotions, express his opinion. Otherwise, he will have anger or other strong emotions, which will still “break through” and will be directed inward, at himself. This will manifest itself at least in the form of psychosomatic diseases and psychological problems.

“Don’t be healthy!”

If a child is healthy, but deprived of the parental attention that he so badly needs, he quickly realizes that he receives care only when he is sick. And in this regard, it really starts to hurt more often.

“Don’t live!”

When a mother says to a child: “My eyes wouldn’t see you!”, “I would kill you!”, “How tired I am of you!”, he feels his uselessness, loss. On a subconscious level, the child decides for himself: “Mom will be better off if I’m gone.”

In adulthood, in a person, this prescription manifests itself in the form of life-threatening hobbies. Such people are often prone to suicide, drug addiction. And some of them are trying with all their might to justify their existence and become useful to others, forgetting about their own lives.

“Don’t be yourself!”

When they say to a small child: “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “No one will be friends with you like that!” or simply compare him with the rest of the children, he begins to believe that he is worse than others.

Then such a person can choose behavior that is not characteristic of his gender, have a tendency to modify his body. Often he has the feeling that he is not living his life.

“Don’t be a child!”

“You are an adult girl, but you play with dolls!”, “You are already big, help me!”, “You are older, don’t cry, but help the younger one!”. With these messages, parents force the child to grow up earlier than possible, to take on the burden of responsibility, which is not necessary.

In adulthood, such people are always at work, they do not allow themselves to simply relax carelessly. Their emotional environment, as a rule, is impoverished.

“Don’t grow up!”

With such phrases (“Yes, where are you without a mother?”, “Only parents will take care of you!”), Parents cultivate infantilism in a child. With these messages, they seem to “tie” him to themselves.

In the future, such a person will be prone to dependent relationships, it will be difficult for him to make decisions and bear responsibility. In addition, most likely he will have difficulties in building a career, as well as avoiding his own sexuality.

“Make no mistake!”

“Do not run! Don’t jump!”, “Let me do it, otherwise you’ll get hurt!”, “It’s better to stay at home, it’s dangerous on the street.” Such prohibitions are often not proportionate to the potential danger and only serve the mother’s fears, and the child becomes hyper-cautious in ordinary life situations.

“Don’t get close!”

The phrases “Trust no one!”, “What kind of tenderness is this?”, “All men are traitors, do not trust them!” the child is deprived of emotional intimacy. As he grows older, he becomes extremely suspicious. As a rule, it is not easy for him to develop relationships with the opposite sex.

Parents are worried about the child, and this is normal. But when they approach parenting in a hyperresponsible way, their anxiety often goes beyond reason.

How to avoid destructive prohibitions?

This is possible if love, support and praise are a priority in raising children. There are never too many good words, do not skimp on them!

Hug your child so that he does not have a feeling of “emotional hunger”, rejection and loss. And, of course, prohibitive phrases should not be used in education, and reasonable prohibitions should be expressed in a benevolent form.