What sensations and experiences do you have immediately before a psychotherapy session, during and after it? Psychotherapist Richard Zwolinsky calls this complex bundle of thoughts and feelings an internal therapy session. He is sure that thanks to it, a colossal amount of energy is born in us, although we do not always feel it.
Before a visit to a psychotherapist, we may be overwhelmed by strong emotions, both positive and negative, we may look forward to the upcoming session with anxiety or impatience. It also happens that we treat therapy with apathy. Barring the therapist’s incompetence and incompatibility with us, apathy often hides anger or fear. We are afraid to admit our problems and look at ourselves from the outside. We can subconsciously suppress these unpleasant experiences by convincing ourselves that we don’t care about therapy.
If you experience apathy, intense fear, anger, or confusion before a session, it is important to discuss these experiences in the course of the therapy work. Even if you don’t talk about them directly, a good therapist will recognize your discomfort. He will pay attention to non-verbal cues showing that something is bothering you. The therapist must be able to notice changes in your state — this is his job.
If he hasn’t noticed, tell him how you feel. A therapist can help you deal with these issues. One technique is to discuss the therapy itself and your relationship. The therapist might say, “I feel some tension between us. Is there anything in our relationship that you would like to discuss?” Or: “Perhaps I missed something important that is worth paying attention to?” Or: “I think you are unhappy with me. Can we talk about it?»
Most often, the therapist asks open-ended questions about the client’s thoughts and experiences to help them look deeper into themselves.
The therapist may also describe non-verbal manifestations that they have noticed. “Ever since you entered, you have been looking at the floor all the time and are not as willing to communicate as you used to be. It looks like you have teary eyes. Are you okay? Is there anything you would like to share with me?» Talking helps the client understand that the therapist sees what is happening to him, and he cares.
On rare occasions, he may use another technique — talking about himself. This therapeutic technique consists in the fact that the therapist shares personal information with the client in a limited and dosed manner. Can briefly talk about life to inspire you and help you better understand the problems.
However, therapy should not be «about the therapist». This technique should be used only very rarely and only to encourage the client to self-knowledge. Also, the therapist should never disclose intimate details of the relationship or give names.
Most often, he asks open-ended questions about the client’s thoughts and experiences to help him look deep into himself. Questions can be asked from the beginning of the meeting or during the session: “What were you thinking about today shortly before our meeting?” or «How do you feel right now?»
Perhaps, after discussing the experience, you will come to the conclusion together that the goal of therapy should be temporarily changed.
Over time, as you develop a more trusting relationship, asking the therapist these questions will help you express hidden thoughts and feelings that you may not have been aware of. You may decide to change some of the goals that you are trying to achieve in the course of your work. Sometimes during a trip, seeing a mountain or a valley in the distance, we decide to deviate from the intended route and explore these places. An experienced therapist knows when it really makes sense to ‘take a detour’.
For example, your main goal is to understand where the fear of intimacy comes from, but in addition to this, the therapist diagnoses depression in you. Perhaps, after discussing the experience, together you will come to the conclusion that the goal of therapy should be temporarily changed. At the moment, it is more important to understand what caused depression and how to cope with its symptoms.
Conversely, the therapist may see fit to help you focus on issues that you may not be aware of and gently nudge you towards solving them. But in any case, your experiences, feelings, thoughts and behavior during and between sessions will have a great influence on the course of therapy.
About the Author: Richard Zwolinsky is a 25-year-old psychotherapist, addiction specialist, and author of The Psychotherapy Revolution: How to Get Help, Improve Your Condition, and Move On Without Wasting Time and Money.