How not to swear at children

Tatyana Rozova writes:

We were visiting my girlfriend. She has three children. Two girls, grades 1 and 3, and a baby boy. I observe a picture: the eldest daughter played a tablet, then left it on the couch and went about her business. I completely forgot about the tablet. Mom comes in, sees the tablet, shouts to her daughter: “How much can you say not to throw the tablet, it will be crushed! If you don’t clean it up, I won’t give it to you again! ”- and removing the tablet, he complains -“ He doesn’t listen to me at all! I’ve already told you a hundred times to clean!” I thought about the effectiveness of this behavior of my mother. The daughter, apparently, did not even hear the words of her mother. And even if she heard, she hardly took them seriously. I think that she guesses that this time her mother will not fulfill the threat. So next time, do the same. How would I do? First, I would calmly call my daughter into the room. I would show her the tablet and explain what and why I don’t like. And I would ask the tablet to be removed with the words that if the next time the tablet is found like this, then it will not be possible to play on it anymore. And next time — if there is one, I would silently fulfill what I promised. And in a very simple way — changing the password.

A newborn is sometimes compared to a wild colt — he only follows his natural instincts. Often, parents indulge the little one in everything. He gets used to it and as a result turns out to be completely unprepared for the fact that not always and not everyone will fulfill his desires. We know well how difficult it is to be around a person who is not accustomed to self-control, who does not know how to cope with his own emotions. Is it easy for him to live in the world himself?

A child comes into this world knowing nothing about him or himself. He has a lot of worries. And the most important thing is to find your place among people, to identify yourself. Each manifestation of it: crying, screaming, pranks, pronouncing words is a test: is it possible to do this?

Consequently, the reaction of adults is extremely important for him, since for a child this is a kind of indicator. If dad and mom approve of the act, then he did everything right, if they stop, forbid — this is a restrictive signal. But how to show the little man the limits of what is permitted?

It is the unavoidable duty of parents to set limits on certain behaviors of children. This is necessary so that the child in his actions takes into account not only his own desires, but also the needs of other people, guided by generally accepted social norms of behavior.

When making comments to a child, it is advisable to adhere to the following rules:

1. If the child misbehaves, try to discuss with him the reasons for his behavior and look for ways out of the situation. Real life example:

Vanya’s parents went to visit and left him with a nanny. When they returned, they found that the six-year-old son had taken his mother’s best perfume and doused the cat with it. When the nanny left, the parents decided to talk to him.

Father: Vanyusha, come here. I have a question for you: did you take your mother’s perfume? — Yes. — And doused them with a cat? — I thought she would like it … — Vanya, you told me the truth, and that’s why you did well. But last time we already talked, and you promised not to take your mother’s perfume. — I’m sorry…

Mom: Dad and I are very upset and don’t know what to do. — ‘»You can punish me!» — Will it change anything? “Would you mind locking the door so I don’t go in there?” Or so. Will it be easier for you? — «Yes». — Well, good. Who will kiss whom first?

It can be very difficult for small children to resist their impulses, and after asking for help from their parents, Vanya actually said: “The desire to douse the cat with perfume is too great, so the castle would help me deal with it.”

2. As a rule, children get used to long tirades of moralizing parents, which they repeat day after day with enviable persistence, and simply pass them on deaf ears. Therefore, dear parents, do not waste your time on empty words. Speak clearly and concisely. Then your words will take the form of a kind of command and achieve a much greater effect.

Than endlessly reminding: “You didn’t brush your teeth again, you are so forgetful! You will have holes in your teeth. Now your brother never forgets to brush his teeth…” you can just say “TEETH!”

You will have to repeat this word, most likely, more than once, but the child will hear you without being annoyed.

3. All our sentences containing pronouns can be divided into two groups: «You-statements» and «I-statements».

“You-statement” is a way of communicating information to someone about himself, his behavior, personal qualities, which creates the impression that you are right and the other person is wrong. Usually people, when there is any problem, prefer to use «You-statements», making accusations against the opponent.

“I am statements” is a way of communicating to someone about your own needs, feelings, or values ​​without offending or judging the person to whom the statement is directed.

Let’s compare two types of statements using the example of the following situation: a tired mother came home from work and sees that the house is a mess, her daughter has scattered all the toys around the room. How will the “You-statement” look like in this case? Approximately as follows: “Well, how much can you repeat the same thing! Why you never put your toys back. How long will this continue…”

It is unlikely that in this case the problem will be solved, at least peacefully. Most likely, everything will end with mutual accusations and insults, and a showdown.

Much more effective in this case would be «I-statement». For example, something like this: «Daughter, I’m so tired at work and would be very happy if you put away all your toys and we could cook something for dinner together.»

When addressing the interlocutor in the form of «I-statements», you discuss the person’s act and express your feelings about this, and do not criticize his personality. Obviously, in this case, you are much more likely to be heard and more likely to constructively resolve the problem.

4. “If” and “why” — threats usually begin with these words: “If you don’t put away your toys right now, I will never buy you a new one!” «Why are you like this? «Why do you never? ..» Such attacks only provoke the child to open defiance or all-round defense.

“As soon as” is an extremely effective phrase, a perfect substitute for “if.” When you need to motivate a child to act, you can say: «Once the toys are removed, we can go shopping together.»

Or: «You can watch TV when all the lessons are done.» In this way, we can turn the «undercover fight» into cooperation. These words are not much different from “if”, but to the surprise of parents, they soften the tone of voice and do not provoke children to retaliate.

But a verbal ban on some action is not always enough, often children simply do not understand words. In such situations, parents are forced to resort to punishment.

What parents need to consider if they still have to punish their children:

1. It is necessary to warn your child in advance that he will be punished for a certain offense. That is, your baby should be aware of the undesirability of certain behavior and the punishment that will follow. He is warned, and the choice remains with him.

2. You can not announce the punishment, and then postpone it. The unknown is so scary that the child can harm himself.

3. When forbidding a child to do something, parents must explain the reason and fairness of their prohibition and offer an alternative behavior (you can’t “closing one door without opening another”). If parents only forbid, without explaining what behavior is right, the child simply will not know how to behave then at all. This can negatively affect his self-reliance and independence.

4. Parents should, by their own behavior, set an example for the child. Naturally, the option is unacceptable when parents, forbidding something to their child, do not themselves adhere to these rules.

5. Prohibiting something and establishing a punishment, parents should be sure of the correctness of their own decision, they should not be tormented by conscience. The child should not have doubts about the inevitability of punishment. When parents feel insecure, they either tighten their requirements for the child, or allow him to act independently, regardless of the rules established earlier.

For the child, this means a violation of his ideas about what is allowed and for which he will not be punished, and what in fairness should be punished.

6. When punishing a child, parents must show that they are not pleased. They should let him know that, no matter what, they love him! The sages advise: when raising a child, the left hand should push away, and the right hand should bring closer. The meaning of this statement is that the child needs rigor, discipline and love equally.

7. Never go so far as to use physical force in punishment! You can not insult the child as a person, call him names. Only his specific offense should be subject to discussion.

In conclusion, it is necessary to say the following. Setting limits adds a sense of hostility to the child’s love for the parent. The ambivalence of love-hate, that is, the internal conflict that arises as a result of the coexistence (or collision) of opposite feelings in relation to an emotionally significant person, is generally characteristic of human relationships. Feelings of hostility, and sometimes hatred towards the one you love, can arise both from the child to the parents and from the parents to the child.

The naturalness of ambivalent relationships, although fraught with potential conflicts, at the same time has a positive side, which consists in the fact that the conflict sets in motion the mechanisms of accommodating, adapting to the reactions of both the child and parents.

The child learns to cope with feelings of hostility; perceive the moral attitudes and requirements of parents; he develops the qualities of reasonable compliance with authoritative leaders, as well as the desire for self-assertion.

Thus, setting limits becomes an essential factor in the relationship between the child and parents. The implications for both sides are vital.