When the tension has reached the limit, and anger or resentment does not leave the opportunity to look into the eyes of a partner, it seems to us that the time has come to take drastic measures. Should the relationship be saved? “Don’t cut on the shoulder,” warns the psychotherapist. Try at first simpler and “small”, at first glance, steps towards each other.
Experiencing the destruction of relationships, and even more so getting rid of relationships, is painful. Anyone who has gone through this period is familiar with overwhelming fear, and nausea, and panic attacks from the realization that the whole life together is at stake now, which can crumble at any moment.
In such a situation, it seems that only drastic measures can save the relationship. However, the strategy of abrupt, «fateful decisions» in most cases only exacerbates the already difficult situation in the pair.
“90% of clients come to me after such active rescue measures,” says relationship specialist, psychotherapist Andrew Marshall. — Why do categorical actions, such as the decision to live separately or find out the relationship frankly, lead to worse consequences?
Instead of trying to understand the cause of our suffering, we are in a hurry to take some drastic step, it seems to us that it will bring a quick result, but this is a delusion. Most relationships degenerate from love to hate not because of someone’s terrible behavior, but because of the accumulated bad habits and inability to negotiate with each other. It takes time to solve this problem.
Pretty gestures like candlelit dinners or other ways to rekindle romantic feelings in your partner will only work for a short time. It is necessary to change your daily life, habits, otherwise the problems will grow again. And since big changes can be very difficult to achieve, partners quickly lose patience, fortitude, suspecting that the crack in the relationship will never heal. However, hard work has an easy alternative. I suggest clients look for seemingly inconspicuous but smart solutions.”
Andrew Marshall identifies five typical «life-changing» strategies that are best avoided in crisis situations.
1. Showdown
Often we think: we will lay out to each other everything that has accumulated in our souls, we will feel better, and we will start all over again. Such a belief may even cause one of the partners to deliberately provoke a scandal in order to «defuse the situation.» “When I tried to talk to him, Mike immediately went to his room,” Andrew Marshall quotes his client Maria, 40 years old. «As if I didn’t exist!» Only an obvious quarrel managed to attract his attention, and I told him everything. It really didn’t change anything.»
Unfortunately, good communication cannot grow out of bad communication. In the heat of a quarrel, partners are able to say a lot of offensive things to each other and pull out all their old grievances from the past. Even if you start with the phrase “We need to talk about our relationship,” which sounds quite correct, your partner will immediately think: “What did I do again?” and tune in to defend yourself, instead of listening to you impartially.
It takes five positive messages to neutralize one negative message.
A conversation will only help if both partners understand: they are in a crisis, something serious has happened, such as betrayal. In a situation that both perceive as critical, a showdown looks natural and to some extent inevitable.
What to do if you are really suffering, and your partner perceives what is happening as another difficult period? State your feelings in a neutral tone, simply stating a fact, in the following three-part form: “I feel (not ‘you make me feel’, that sounds aggressive)…when you (point to the situation, not the behavior in general)…because what…” (to prevent his worst conclusions).
For example, Maria ended up saying to Mike: “I feel annoyed when you continue to read the newspaper in silence because I’m not sure that you heard me and pick up your daughter from kindergarten in time.” Proper communication allowed Maria and Mike to start a conversation about their relationship and avoid a scandal.
2. Romantic trip
It seems to us that during the holidays, away from the daily routine, we will have time to calmly discuss everything and restore the lost contact. However, the situation of forced joint pastime can turn into a disaster for distant partners.
“My husband invited me for a romantic weekend in Venice,” says Marianna, 36. — I love this city very much, but now I would prefer to be there with one of my girlfriends. I didn’t feel any romance, only longing and regret, and I refused sex. About two weeks after our return, my husband filed for divorce.”
Some people think that the more they spend on a trip, the more romantic it will be, and expect a quick result. It seems to them that their significant contribution (payment for the trip) gives them a head start, and now they are waiting for reciprocal steps from their partner. Disappointment is inevitable.
A romantic weekend can work, but only if you’ve started taking steps at home to build relationships and relieve stress. How can I do that? Every morning, tell your partner about some event of the upcoming day, and in the evening share something that happened to you. When we neglect these elementary gestures of daily attention and interest in each other, relationships become worse.
Research shows that in order to neutralize one negative message (criticism, complaint or ignorance), it takes five (!) Positive messages — compliments, thanks, small favors. You will increase the number of positive messages — and the partner will respond in kind. Only against the background of such joint work can short trips be planned. Otherwise, you will build a castle in the sand.
3. Temporary separation
We hope that, having lived separately, we will begin to miss each other. Unfortunately, the trip brings a private conflict into the public space, children, relatives, friends are involved in the situation, their opinions and reactions only bring additional tension to the relationship of the couple. Worse, partners begin to communicate more with third parties than with each other.
Andrew Marshall is sure that spouses should still live under the same roof, because the most important decisions are made in everyday discussions of minor disagreements, and not on artificially organized “dates”.
However, sometimes parting can still be useful. We are unhappy because something goes wrong in our own life — problems at work or with friends. And since a partner is always there, we mistakenly conclude that it is our personal life that is the cause of our troubles. In this case, the trip will put everything in its place. Even a lot of time is not required — a weekend spent separately is quite enough.
There is another easy way to look at relationships in a new way — the exercise «Imagine that …» One example: a client of a psychologist, Irina, was angry with her boyfriend Mark for not showing her his love, and Mark complained that it was difficult for him to love the one who yells at him all the time. Irina had a difficult childhood, and she really needed a strong emotional connection with her partner. And so the therapist asked her to imagine: “what if” Mark is right? After all, she respects Mark, and if he insists on something like that, perhaps it has some meaning to him? The next time Irina felt lonely and unloved, she tried to say it calmly, and Mark silently hugged her, the tension disappeared.
4. The birth of a child
This can also include such radical measures as moving abroad or overhauling a house — in a word, an event that requires long joint efforts. The bet is on the fact that the common project will bring them together, and what’s really there — it will cement the couple with joint obligations.
If the conflict has grown so much that it has come to an ultimatum, try to break the problem into smaller parts and solve each separately.
The birth of a child changes the status of the relationship from partnership to family, clearly making it difficult for one of the partners to leave. The problem with such ventures is that they simply add to the strain on an already weak relationship. For a while, you will experience the joy of having a baby or renovating a house, but the everyday problems that you put on pause will return again, aggravated with new disappointments.
Of course, cooperation brings partners together, but why don’t you choose to start with something less solid than the birth of a child? Such, for example, a short-term, but full of difficulties and adventure project, like a trip with tents, or a trip to a big music festival, or a yacht management course. All this will help you to become closer without undue effort — emotional, physical or financial.
5. Ultimatum
When the pain is overflowing, it seems that there is only one way to survive it — turn on the timer. We console ourselves by giving him (her) one last chance. But this desperate attempt to mark the end of torment does not change anything in the relationship.
When Kristina delivered an ultimatum to Eugene that if nothing changes, they will divorce in a year, he was confused: «Why should it depend only on me?» At the consultation, Christina explained: “He needs to be more attentive!” To which the logical answer followed: “No matter what I do, it will not be enough!” They were at an impasse. The way out is to specify your wishes. For example, the request to «take out the trash can every evening.»
Such a task works because it is measurable and regularly accomplished, in contrast to the “be careful” attitude, which has many interpretations, but, in general, there are no boundaries. But the situation will change for the better only if both partners contribute, that is, Christina should offer and, on her part, do something useful. If the conflict has grown so much that it came to an ultimatum, try to break the problem into smaller parts and solve each separately — this is still the most realistic way to avoid a global confrontation.
About the author: Andrew J. Marshall is a family therapist and author of I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You, Bloomsbury, 2007.