How not to ruin a second marriage

The second marriage is more likely to succeed than the first, we believe. After all, it can take into account previous experience and not repeat those stupid things that we regret when there is nothing to fix. In addition, over the years we become more experienced, more tolerant … Alas, statistics do not confirm these assumptions. According to a survey conducted by the Demoscope Research Center in 2004, second marriages break up in the same way as the first — in almost half of the cases. Does experience teach us nothing? Or do those who get divorced belong to a special breed of people not made for marriage?

Even if most couples head for a silver wedding and many will never face such a problem, you still want to understand: why is it harder the second time? According to Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky, “in a second marriage, partners face problems that did not exist before. In addition, after the first divorce, it is easier to decide on a second one: having terminated the union that did not satisfy him, the person is unconsciously ready, if necessary, to do it again.

Reminders of the past

Experiences associated with divorce do not pass without a trace, leaving the bitterness of defeat in the soul. Those who enter into a new marriage hope that this time everything will turn out well. And they, having healed the wounds, will correct the past. “But it is the past that interferes with the serenity of the second marriage,” says psychotherapist Elena Lopukhina. Much is reminiscent of previous relationships, of the first partner: he lived in this house, bought this furniture, here are his gifts, mutual friends remained … «

Another stumbling block may be … sex life. “Experience is important in intimate relationships, especially for a woman – thanks to it, we learn to trust our feelings and accept a partner,” says sexologist Sergei Agarkov. “But at the same time, long-term sexual relationships with one partner form a certain pattern of sexual behavior, and unconscious expectations undoubtedly affect intimacy in the next union.”

Ghosts of the past — ex-husbands and wives — often accompany in a new marriage. Kirill, a father of three children who was widowed twelve years ago and remarried very quickly, confirms: “It is impossible to forget the person with whom you lived for fifteen years. And I know that Nina, my current girlfriend, thinks about it, in her imagination constantly comparing what I am with her and what I was with my first wife. I don’t compare anything, it’s just that some memories, scenes from the past pop up in my memory … «

When children do not accept their stepfather or stepmother

The well-being of a second marriage can be hindered by children, acting as «saboteurs». A child, traumatized by the separation of his parents, rebels against the stepfather or stepmother who has appeared in the house, sets the father against the mother (or vice versa) in order to arouse sympathy. At the beginning of a new family life — this is a particularly difficult stage — adults will need the utmost sensitivity and diplomacy.

“Out of jealousy, children can deliberately create problems for their parents’ new partners, hoping in this way to “glue” the old family together,” explains Elena Lopukhina. The life of a new family is also complicated by the fact that in Russian, as in many others, there are no special words for addressing a stepfather or stepmother. In addition, adults’ ideas about the duties of a new family member in relation to a child can be very different.

Does past experience teach?

And yet, many hope, remarriage has an advantage: after all, we approach the choice of a second partner more judiciously. Alas, not always. Often we are pushed towards each other by a vague irrational feeling. So often we choose for the second time in a partner a “copy” of that parent from whom we have not managed to psychologically separate. No, we are not looking for external similarities, but unconsciously we are guided by the similarity of the psychological image.

“Sometimes we change life companions — a serious and strict one for a cheerful and witty, subtle intellectual for an ingenuous bodybuilder,” says Elena Lopukhina, “however, this is only an illusion of global change, because we in no way want to change the most important thing — our way of life and relation to certain situations.

Some errors

So, if we don’t do some work on ourselves, we blame our partner or circumstances, we don’t understand where our “personal contribution” is to the split of the first marriage, then it is likely that the well-trodden rut will again lead to the collapse of the relationship.

If in new marital conflicts — and they are inevitable — to behave «as before», this will lead the relationship with each subsequent partner to an unsolvable dead end.

“The inner work of finding out why a first marriage fails—necessary to really end a previous relationship—is very often not done,” says clinical psychologist Jean-Georges Lemaire. — We think that the other is to blame for everything, and it will be enough for us to replace the “defective part”. But we are wrong.»

“After a divorce, it is important to give yourself time to think, to live alone, to analyze mistakes,” agrees Stanislav Raevsky. “Otherwise, hurrying up with a new union, we will again, with another partner, win back the relationship that did not work out in the previous pair.”

Save your personal space

There are no criteria that would allow predicting the future of a second marriage: neither the duration of the previous union, nor how the divorce went, nor the age of the partners, nor even the number of their children determine it. More importantly, what lessons they learned from past experience. The secret of success, according to demographer Sergey Zakharov, lies in one single word: “meaning” is what partners give to their union.

Alla, a bright 50-year-old woman, understood this from her own experience. With their first husband, they made one mistake after another, and ten years later the marriage broke up. It is time for Alla to realize her mistakes. “You should never humiliate anyone. When I found out that he had an affair at work, I began to blame him for all mortal sins and turned his life into a nightmare. And now, after a while, I understand that there was no terrible drama in this.

Her second husband is the opposite of the first. “A strong-willed, powerful person, he always clearly knows what he wants. I am at peace with him. In addition, he is a little jealous, while with my first husband it always seemed to me that I was only “one of many”. Perhaps such a contrast is the key to success? Not at all necessary. Alla admits that she would be capable of the same mistakes even now. But her goal is to preserve the union, and the first rule is to protect her personal sphere. “I shared everything in the world with Pavel, but now I understand that it’s not worth talking about some things, everyone should have their own reserved garden.”

Rule two: never let loose, take care of how you look, don’t stop the subtle play of seduction. And the third commandment: to understand another person, take into account his characteristics and accept them. “My husband is a pessimist by nature, and I try, on the contrary, to take a positive approach to life.” Thanks to such vigilance, Alla can now enjoy family happiness gained in her second marriage.