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“I will never act like a mother!” We promise ourselves. “In my family, everything will be different,” we are sure. But at some point we catch ourselves on parental words and intonations, we catch ourselves in similar situations and with similar problems. How it works? And what can we change?
We may think that we live solely by our own mind, but this does not change the fact that people always remain part of their kind. In every area of life—in romantic relationships, in raising children, in dealing with money, in making decisions—our kind influences us. And the more, the less we realize it.
What are generic scenarios?
There are a lot of generic scenarios, because they cover all spheres of life. For example, there are those related to building a family:
codependence
If there were people in the family with addiction — alcohol, drugs, gambling — then it is very likely that we inherited this scenario and transferred it to our relationships.
What does it mean? That we will definitely find a dependent partner to save, control, shame and save again. Maybe build a relationship with someone who has endless problems with work, who often finds himself depressed, with a workaholic, or with a married person. We will pull our partner out of problems, melt his cold heart, be a muse, support and sacrifice ourselves for the sake of love.
«I tie everything to myself»
Scientifically, this scenario implies our hyperfunctionality, when one family member carries a lot. All family affairs are in his hands. He organizes, controls, makes. He gets very tired, accumulates a feeling of injustice, but cannot weaken the pressure. Moreover, he is usually paired with a hypofunctional partner.
«Family without men»
This is the case when three or more generations of women in a family live without men. For example, my grandmother’s husband did not return from the war. Mom got married, gave birth to a child, divorced. The daughter lives with her mother and grandmother, dreams of love, but has no experience of the presence of a man in her everyday life. Does not have a family model in which there is a man. And therefore subconsciously perceives men as an optional part of the family.
What might scenarios for other areas of life look like?
Health: “we don’t go to doctors” or “our men die early and suddenly.”
Job: “we are all hard workers, not hucksters” or “we earn with our heads, not with our hands.”
Behavior model: «sit quietly, do not stick your head out», «you need to live honestly and poorly.»
How are generic scripts transmitted?
Here are some of the most common ways:
Through role models
It is in the family that we learn how people live, how they behave in different situations. It is quite natural that then we behave as we have learned from loved ones.
Through family sayings and sayings
If a girl often hears from older women the phrase “What can you take from these men,” then this gradually, but inevitably, forms in her an appropriate attitude towards men.
Through family myths
Myths are important ideas about who we are as a family. They form our family identity. If the family myth is rigid, then it greatly limits the options for the development of the life of family members and determines their choices.
They told me about my maternal grandfather like this: “He was sent as a chairman to a seedy collective farm, he raised this collective farm, he was sent to the next one.” This is a mild version of a heroic myth — one of the most widespread myths in our country. Being the child of such a father and the grandson of such a grandfather means constantly overcoming obstacles, making high demands on yourself, always achieving something and feeling the failure of your own life if there is no place for a feat in it.
Through family secrets
The well-known psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto said: «Everything that is hushed up in the first generation, the second one carries in the body.»
Suppose one of the family members went to a lunatic asylum and died there. Out of the best intentions, they did not talk about it, they hid it. However, a child growing up in a family noticed that when someone jokes about a madhouse, the mother freezes and tenses. When a friend shouted to the child in a quarrel: “You are a psycho!”, Mom ran into the room terribly angry and screamed that it was impossible to say that. The child feels a vague, unconscious anxiety associated with mental health.
How to become free from scripts of the kind?
The good news is that many scripts of our kind are quite adaptive and do not harm us. If we were born and lived to adulthood, then our family knows how to survive and did a lot of things right. But some strategies, most likely, will not do us any harm. Therefore, it is worth making them more flexible. How?
Notice and recognize your generic scenarios.
To do this, remember what you have ever heard about the history of your kind, look for information about it, talk with relatives. And watch yourself.
Create a «piggy bank» of behaviors that are different from your scenario.
Let’s say hyperfunctionality is your middle name. Watch and add to the «piggy bank» how people behave who do not suffer from it. For example, you come to visit a friend. She says: “Oh, I’m tired today, I didn’t cook anything. I called my husband, he will call for ready-made food. Wind on your mustache: this is also possible.
Try differently.
What are some realistic little things you can do to add flexibility to your scenarios? What can you agree on?
If your scenario is «keep a low profile» — maybe set up a meeting with the boss and discuss your prospects? If co-dependent, maybe ask yourself three times a day: “Whose problems am I currently dealing with? Where are the limits of my responsibility in this matter?” If passive aggression is accepted in your family, maybe take the risk of speaking openly about your dissatisfaction, at least in not the most sensitive topics?
Changing the generic scenario is not at all easy and not fast. It is hardly possible to completely get rid of even obviously destructive scenarios in one generation. But this inner work is definitely worth starting in order to build your life more flexible and to pass on more adaptive scripts to your children.