We cannot avoid meeting other people’s judgments of ourselves. But it is in our power to make sure that they do not affect how we perceive ourselves. Communication strategist Jocelyn Duffy talks about writing your own life story.
How to stay mentally strong and keep faith in yourself when faced with stories and judgments of others about yourself … negative or derogatory? Opinion, in any form, can be hard to digest, writes communications strategist Jocelyn Duffy.
We all have to deal with the misconceptions that others have of who we are. And then we can either learn what we are told, or stay with our ideas about ourselves and tune in to stick to our own truth.
«Cats» and a kitten
On a chilly January morning in 2019, a group of business owners and entrepreneurs met with instructors from the Navy Seals, the primary tactical unit of the US Navy’s Special Operations Forces. It was a kind of team building and leadership lessons, in which it was necessary to take a physical training course.
Fragile woman Jocelyn Duffy was the smallest in a group of physically strong colleagues. Having recently beaten a life-threatening illness and learned to walk literally all over again, Jocelyn struggled to endure such physical exertion. At the end of the day, SEAL instructors assigned penalty exercises to the recruits for violations during the day.
The woman felt annoyed — from fatigue she lagged behind her colleagues, and, noticing this, the coach called her to talk. Using what seemed to be a familiar motivating device, he leaned over and said sharply, “You look like a soft little kitten. Do you want to be seen as a soft little kitten?”
Jocelyn assumed the same posture as his and, without showing any disrespect, said softly, “I think you misunderstood me. I have overcome life-threatening illnesses twice. I have learned to walk from scratch twice in my life. I’m not a soft little kitten.» Without answering, he suggested to Jocelyn that they lead a group of colleagues who were still trying to master the penalty exercises. According to the woman, inspiring tired teammates, she immediately felt at ease.
Are you judging a book by its cover?
There is a common expression: you judge books by their covers. Perhaps the fragile woman looked like a small kitten against the background of the “seals”. But, according to Jocelyn, sometimes a mighty warrior hides behind a fragile appearance. “This coach couldn’t have known that two years ago three doctors said I was going to die. My organs were failing and I could barely walk, all because of a blood clot that the doctors couldn’t find in me. When these same doctors told me their version of the story about my future, I had only one answer: it will not be the same with me.”
We can believe the narratives—stories—that others tell us about us, or we can choose our own. At a time when Jocelyn’s body was weaker than ever, she gathered her strength to make a choice and write her own ending — and that ending was a new beginning. The fact that she was still alive and could be with her colleagues at the training with the SEALs, not to mention the ability to walk several kilometers every day, was no less than a miracle. And the woman prided herself on her ability to push through those countless «penalty drills.»
One of the main ways to change fate is to challenge the cultural order, the rejection of the “ends” prevailing in it.
In the 2017 book Using Narratives: Research in Sociology, Psychology, and Cultural Studies, author Shelley Sclater states: “Man lives within a particular culture. If a culture does not provide narrative resources for a fulfilling and meaningful life, a person may think that their story is coming to an end. This results in what is called an abort.
In this context, the phenomenon of aging comes to mind in some cultures, where there are already ready-made scenarios for fading into old age. And then people have no choice but to accept their narrative fate. One of the main ways to change fate is to challenge the cultural order, reject the “ends” that prevail in it, and create alternative endings for one’s own story. Only then, after the “restart” of life history, will the possibility of self-renewal appear.”
In a way, perhaps Jocelyn was too «soft»—too petite and compassionate—for the SEALs’ tough training ground. And it is not known if her answer changed the coach’s view of other people. But, Jocelyn admits, she was sincerely sure that she was not going to choose the ending he suggested for her story for that day … Just as she had not previously chosen the story told by the doctors for the end of her life. At any moment, we have the opportunity to restart, enrich or rewrite our history, says Jocelyn.
How to write your own story
Life will take its course. Others are going to say what they are going to say about us. Knowing how others perceive us is valuable and important in order to realize that we remain consistent and true to ourselves under any circumstances. And it is more important to understand who shapes our narratives — ourselves or others.
Recognizing that we cannot control everything is also critical to our success and well-being. If the hero or heroine of every story knew what they were going to face in advance, the stories would not be as exciting. Adventurousness, intrigue, excitement will be lost, as well as opportunities for awakening, growth and transformation.
Fear of the unknown context of our stories, including the perception of other people, can make us desire control over every aspect of life. But instead, we can begin to view these factors as opportunities for conscious repetition or rewriting of our personal history. “Write the story that rules your life,” urges Jocelyn Duffy.
Each of our lives will contain many chapters. The surrounding reality can give us a context, although it is we who form the content — those words and stories by which we define ourselves, our future potential and opportunities. It is we who decide how each chapter begins and ends, even when it may feel like other people or factors are guiding our destiny.
We must tell our story about who we really are and who we want to be.
Being able to write our own stories is just a matter of choice:
- when unexpected changes happen to us, we become more flexible and adaptable;
- when we encounter great difficulties, we can use them as a springboard and make sense out of them;
- when we hear stories about ourselves that can squeeze or push us back, we are able to remain at the mercy of our personal story.
To keep moving forward, stay mentally strong, and be happy in the face of surprises, judgments, or challenges, we must tell our story of who we really are and who we want to be,” writes Jocelyn Duffy.
That way, stories about us told by others won’t distract us from our own vision. “In the end, the only person who really determines your personal story—how it consciously and subconsciously sounds now and how it will eventually play out—is you. Choose to be a mighty warrior.»
About the Expert: Jocelyn Duffy is a communications strategist.