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She herself insisted on parting, but then unexpectedly reminds of herself with a message. But why? .. Our hero went through such an experience and shared his findings, which the psychologist comments on.
“She could write because she simply had no one to talk to”
Vadim (28 years old)
“A couple of times my ex-girlfriends, who themselves initiated the breakup, unexpectedly took steps towards. Looking back, I understand how important it is at this moment not to lose your head and choose the right strategy. Otherwise, you risk being manipulated. From my own experience, I can say that with her appearance, she pursues three goals:
It is important for her to solve a practical issue, to get help or advice from you, and she does not build far-reaching plans.
She is trying to provoke you and give you a pleasant feeling that you are still in her power.
She sincerely wants to restore the relationship.
How to respond to the former if you received a message from her, and is it worth it?
You need to immediately determine your goal: do you want to communicate with it. And if you want, then how — only on business or are you thinking about her return. This is important, because if you still have feelings for her, she can easily “rock” you into emotions. As a result, you will be in a weak position. So it was with me.
It all started when my ex suddenly started liking my posts and photos. And although I thought that everything was in the past for me, I still thought about her. When she wrote me a message, I immediately joined the correspondence. I was happy to have her back in my life. I thought we had a chance.
We corresponded for several days, and she, of course, easily caught my condition. It is difficult to compete with women in insight. She seemed to sincerely tell what was going on with her (only later I realized that she had not revealed anything special to me). We recalled funny episodes of those times when we were together. All this attracted me, and it seemed that she felt the same way. But the moment I asked her to meet, she suddenly stopped responding. And then she coldly wrote that she was busy these days, leaving to rest.
Jealousy woke up in me, and I casually asked if she was traveling with her close friend, after which her interest disappeared completely. She laughed it off, making it clear that her personal life still had nothing to do with me. My ex already felt that I was completely in her power, and triumphed in her small female victory. There was no question of any desire to return.
In the end, she just wished me a good day and didn’t write again. I thought about it for a long time and worried
Such mistakes are made by many men until their feelings have cooled down. And if you decide to leave, I advise you not to retreat from it. If you began to communicate on business, do not slip into a discussion of personal relationships.
If, for some reason, you hope to return everything, then the most important thing is not to drop your significance in her eyes. She already staggered when the girl left you, now it is important to re-awaken interest.
Do not ask questions — this way you will find excessive interest, and control over the situation will be in her hands.
It’s best not to answer right away. Thus, you do not give her the opportunity to understand your feelings. The fact that the ex looked into our «story» or liked the photo, we often perceive as a desire to renew communication. But it’s the pitch that only speaks of her slight interest. You can develop it by maintaining a distance and not falling into euphoria.
Is she asking you for something? Send the contact number of the service that can help.
If she just wanted to satisfy her curiosity and assert herself, you didn’t give her that opportunity. If the goal is to try to return you, the girl will appear again.
She could also write to you because she has no one to talk to at the moment. And you were for her a reliable shoulder and an understanding listener. Your task is not to become a crying pillow or a personal psychologist. Therefore, try to finish the correspondence first. So she will understand that you are not ready to act as her girlfriend or alternate airfield.
In my experience and the experience of friends, I realized that only if she feels that she does not control you, there is a chance that you will become the same for her — an interesting, self-sufficient guy with whom she once fell in love.
“Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask” — this attitude does not support your relationship.
Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist
“At first, I fully shared the thoughts and conclusions of the author. He has a clear focus: why do I need to communicate with an ex-partner? What do I want to receive? What can I give? These are useful questions that are important to ask yourself periodically, even in your current relationship. But then the emotional intensity became stronger, so it is difficult to perceive the information as a reflected and complete story.
Rather, many of the conclusions sound as if from a sense of resentment. Sneaky ex intentionally wants to ruin your peace with her messages
Each story and motive is individual, and there can be no single unified recipes that the hero is trying to find. It is important to look holistically at what happened between the partners. Therefore, it is difficult for me to agree with the conclusions and even emotionally support the author’s message. It sounds a lot like «don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask.» And I’m not sure that it will be for someone support. If the pain of parting does not subside (for the author it sounds like “feelings left”), this means that the story is not completed.
In a completed relationship, a person can answer 5 questions for himself
Why am I still offended?
What will I never forgive?
What do I apologize for?
What is left forever in the past (both bad and good; is it something unique that was only in this relationship)?
What am I grateful for?
Only after such internal processing comes a state that allows you to see a person with the “former” tag in a new way. After all, while we experience strong feelings, we see only a facade, and we react to it.