How my husband and I shared an apartment, or why is there a stamp in the passport

“It felt like war was declared on me”

“I got married at the age of 19 — of course, out of great love,” says 41-year-old Lyudmila (name changed at the request of the heroine). – My parents invested in a house under construction – and when the two-room apartment was ready, dad issued it to me, “to unite our couple, strengthen the union.” Such was their and my attitude towards marriage – once and for all. Together with my husband, we made repairs and began to live there.

But after a few years, our relationship completely went wrong. Living together became impossible, and I left my husband. In fact, he moved from me to his apartment. It was time to formalize the divorce. And then the husband declared his rights to half the apartment. I recalled that it was bought with the money of my parents, but he referred to the law – “acquired in marriage.”

Indeed, formally the apartment became my property after the wedding. It means “all in half”. Long months of negotiations began, but all my proposals were refused. For example, she wanted to return to him his share of the funds spent on repairs, and with interest, as if they were in a bank. I was ready to take out a loan and redeem his share at a reasonable cost. She offered to sell the apartment and share the money … He did not agree.

So about three years passed. In the end, several court hearings secured his right to half of my apartment. By this time I was already married a second time and was expecting a child. I realized that divorce and the division of property often become a matter not only for spouses, but for the whole family, and everyone can have their own ideas about “right-wrong” and “fair-unfair.”

At some point, the husband washed his hands and handed the whole matter over to his mother. And this is where the craziness began. It felt like war was declared on me. And the goal of people is not to agree, but to make my life unbearable.

When my son was born, my ex-mother-in-law began to move tenants into the apartment without my consent, who, as if by choice, were asocial and sometimes aggressive alcoholics. I was just afraid for myself and the child. After numerous appeals, they were forbidden to rent a room without my consent. Only then was the ex-husband ready to finally sell the apartment and divide the money in half. He and his mother disappeared from my life, no longer manipulating me.

But during the conclusion of the transaction for the purchase of an apartment, the lawyer offered to immediately conclude a marriage contract, where it was possible to prescribe all the conditions. But we were 19-20 years old, my dad proceeded from “seal the marriage”, and my mother-in-law, apparently, from opposite considerations. Therefore, we refused, which I regretted a thousand times and still regret. After all, thanks to this agreement, we would probably have maintained normal relations.”

“I’m for the stamp”

Many are sure: if the relationship is serious and the two are ready to live as a family, it makes sense to marry officially.

“The stamp in the passport has replaced the religious rite precisely in the sense of a public recognition of the couple’s responsibility to each other and to society. I really regret that in our culture there is no tradition of public swearing of vows during the wedding.

“A stamp is required. In addition to the purely psychological component, according to the law, we have so many problems in purely everyday situations – donation, inheritance, registration, death, in the end, that without it there is nothing.

“The stamp gives both rights and obligations. And there are times when it is needed. For example, to get into intensive care or on a date in prison. Yes, this may never happen, but still. This is a recognition that you want not only to share joys, but also to bear common hardships, in wealth and in poverty. An act of trust, so to speak, is a sign of growing up.”

“I am for the stamp. Precisely because you can normally take a mortgage. And in general, it is easier to prove who you are to this person in any authorities with a stamp in your passport. Children are better protected by law. Everyone who is against the stamp, I think, is simply afraid of responsibility. You will always have the opportunity to step back, turn around and slam the door…”

“And I would go again to the official marriage. Let me have at least something officially, and also from the spirit of contradiction – otherwise it has become very fashionable among thinking people not to get married, but I want to get married.

“I think this is a desire to assert oneself”

Opponents of official registration give their arguments.

“I’m probably against the ceremony itself and the conventions that it imposes. Psychologically, I am not satisfied with the very fact that a person unknown to me tells me that I can now. And there is no need to say that with the advent of the stamp, duties and responsibilities will sharply appear.

“I am an opponent, 15 years without a stamp. In general, I am against the state asserting my relationship with anyone and somehow interfering in them.

“I had relationships with and without a stamp … I decided not to formalize my second marriage legally, because it was already obvious then that in the event of a divorce, I would only lose. And there is no romance here. Life has shown that it was the right decision.”

“Against. People relax and become impudent, everything is wildly difficult with movable and immovable property during a divorce, and 90% of couples do not live up to resuscitation, which supporters of officialdom talk about.”

“I believe that the desire for a stamp is a desire to assert itself. Like, that’s what I am! I was chosen, I am chosen, I am the only and unique for this man. Usually a woman needs a stamp.”

“A stamp is needed only if a large general purchase such as an apartment or an imminent death looms. Otherwise, then you will be tormented by dividing the property.

“No law can ensure happiness in a relationship”

Ekaterina Klochkova, family systems therapist and civil law consultant

Legal marriage can be treated differently, but the fact that the state registration of relations is not only a significant legal fact, but also a psychological milestone for partners, is evident from the content of the comments.

Registration in the manner prescribed by law gives rise to mutual personal non-property and property rights and obligations of spouses. The law regulates only a small part of them – property, so it cannot be said that the state interferes deeply in the personal life of citizens.

In Russia, actual marriage (that is, marriage without proper legal registration) does not give rise to the same amount of legal consequences, although emotional partners can be highly valued.

Why then do people need a legal marriage? He protects and equalizes the rights of partners when one of them is in a vulnerable state – and then the stamp in the passport allows you to count on the protection of your rights not so much in front of your spouse (although anything can happen too), but in the “outside world”. But no law can ensure emotional well-being and happiness in relationships. And when interpersonal relationships deteriorate, it immediately complicates the property ones.

Unfortunately, the circumstances of Lyudmila’s case are not sufficiently detailed for an exhaustive answer. But, of course, at the stage of registration of an apartment in the daughter’s property, parents should have made a donation agreement or the heroine should have drawn up a marriage contract with her husband.

Modern family law provides enough opportunities to protect their property rights from abuse not only by third parties, but also by the spouse. But in order to fully use them, you will need the advice of a qualified specialist – all essential conditions must be properly recorded.

The conclusion of a marriage contract that changes the regime of joint property of the spouses is governed by the provisions of the Family Code of the Russian Federation. It can be issued at any time by mutual agreement of the spouses, including after the acquisition of expensive property. Thus, for example, it is possible to agree with the spouse that the apartment acquired in marriage belongs only to the one who actually buys it.

No marriage stamp

Did the sad experience change Lyudmila’s attitude to registering a marriage?

“I’m still in favor of formalizing relations,” she admits, “but after a “trial period.” Marriage should be a conscious decision and desire of both partners. A sign of what is really “in sorrow and in joy”, a recognition of the readiness to bear responsibility for the relationship. From my own experience about large purchases, I know that it is better to conclude a separate contract, and the marriage stamp has nothing to do with it.