«How much time do you spend with your child?» — you probably met this question in the questionnaires for parents. “It is necessary to be more with children,” they write in numerous pedagogical articles and say in public lectures. However, if you ask a child how much time they spent with mom or dad on Sunday, it is unlikely to be accurate. But he will tell in detail what exactly he did with his parents and whether he liked it: “We went to the amusement park, and then went to a cafe, ate ice cream. I loved flying with my dad on the plane…” The child is not interested in the amount of time spent with him, but how it is spent. Sometimes ten minutes spent in a heartfelt conversation (in the psychological sense of the word) means much more to a child than a whole day spent with you, but when you, holding back a yawn, were simply present in his games.
A preschooler and a younger student spend part of the time playing with themselves, with friends, in kindergarten or school, doing drawing, designing, reading, etc. But besides all this, he needs to communicate with you.
A child up to three years old feels your presence very much in the space where he himself is. Sometimes it seems that the child does not care what the parent is doing, as long as he is there. During this period of life, an adult, being next to a child, creates in him the necessary sense of security.
Let us turn to the experimental studies of the famous American scientist G. F. Harlow with our closest relatives — monkeys. When a mechanically moving and beating a drum cub was placed in front of the macaque cubs, they ran away in horror and hid somewhere in the corner of the room. However, if the mother was nearby, they quickly found her, clung to her and immediately calmed down, began to examine an unknown, terrifying object, then slowly approached him, touched, studied him.
The cubs overpowered themselves because they felt safer because of the presence of the mother. In the same situation, motherless monkeys froze for a long time in a corner, refusing to explore the unknown. I remember this experiment every time I see such scenes: a mother with a three-year-old child comes to visit her friend. It seems that no force is capable of tearing the child away from the mother’s dress — he clung to him so tightly. However, some time passes, and the baby begins «sorties» from the «aircraft carrier-mother», constantly returning back. A little more — and the baby feels completely free in a new environment, sometimes you even have to pacify him.
An older child needs not just the close presence of an adult, but sincere communication with the parent as a person with a person. He wants to experience a sense of community with them, belonging to the family, strives to be respected, reckoned with him, with his opinion. And here it is especially important how to spend time with your son or daughter. Not how much time you spent with the child, but what and how you did together is crucial.
Let’s explain this with an example that each of you can see quite often.
Mother and child go to kindergarten in the morning. The mother says something, the child answers, he asks about something. Only ten minutes, and both have the impression of a good time, a sense of community that one so much wants to repeat. Another pair — the mother is dragging the reluctantly walking baby by the hand. Both walk in silence. The mother is mentally already at work, the baby is in such an unattractive kindergarten. They don’t communicate, they’re just there.
“Life is so stressful that I don’t have enough time to take care of my child,” parents often say. Allow me not to believe. In fact, no special time is needed for this. Enough and those periods of time when you are at home, Saturdays and Sundays. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that every free minute you do something with your child, play, tell. Do not be tormented by the thought that you are not devoting enough time to it.
Each person periodically has a state when for hours, days he does not want to talk to anyone, communicate, feels tired, irritated and wants to be alone with himself. And you are no exception in this regard. It is better to experience such hours with yourself than to force yourself to «necessary communication» with the child. If in such a state you went out for a walk with a child, he is unlikely to be able to attract attention even with the most heartfelt stories — you are all in yourself. What is the use of such «communication»? Why waste time then? This is unreasonable and uneconomical on your part. Play, walk with the child when you are really in the mood to communicate with him. Time spent with a son or daughter only for parental duty brings little joy to both.
Sometimes it can be difficult for parents to figure out what to talk about with a child, what to do with him. If you sincerely pay attention to him, then you don’t have to worry, he will solve this problem for you. Something, but inventions, originality in this matter, children do not hold. Do not interfere with them, and you will quickly find yourself drawn into a variety of activities.
Let’s start with conversation as the most familiar form of adult communication. Children in general are very interested in their parents, they want to know what you do when you are not with them, what you talk about with others, where you work and what difficulties you encounter. If you listen and answer, you will simply be immersed in a sea of questions about how a car works, where children come from, why it is cold in winter and hot in summer. You will probably also be interested in what the child is doing in kindergarten, at school, with whom he is friends, what worries him, what he thinks about life. I am sure that you will learn a lot about each other, you will feel that you have become closer to each other. More than talking, kids love doing. You are about to do something with your child. What and how? Several options are possible.
- You invite your child to join the activity of your choice. For example, take it with you on a fishing trip, to a workshop, invite him to join the cleaning of the apartment, cooking, etc. By participating in your affairs, the child learns the world and the activities of adults. If you managed to find a common language with the child, coordinate actions, even the hardest work will be a great pleasure for him. The main thing is not to crush the child with your authority, experience, «wisdom», leave him a place for initiative, creativity, and the possibility of making mistakes. The latter is especially important, since reproaches, if he does something wrong, immediately take away the child’s desire to work together with you. Of course, it is difficult to resist mentoring. However, you do not need to worry about the imperfection of your child. First, he grows and develops, learns from his mistakes himself. Secondly, if he were perfect, he would not be your child (you probably do not consider yourself perfect?).
- You and your child decide what to do, together you come up with an interesting activity. The main thing here is that the choice should be equally preferable for both, otherwise one of you will feel that he is doing something for the sake of the other, although he intended to personally enjoy the chosen activity. Decision-making must be democratic from beginning to end. This is not an easy task! Children, and you too, must learn to find a common solution without harming anyone. Options for joint affairs can be very diverse: from a boat ride to playing a performance in a home puppet theater. For many families, the choice of a common activity becomes a true revelation, a guideline on how to communicate, how to spend time together. I think that, say, a weekly family council on what to do on Sunday improves family life in general.
- You connect to children’s activities. For example, assume the role of a child’s play partner. In this case, you are subordinate to him and the logic of the game itself. For a while, you are not a leader, authority, parent, but an equal participant in the game.
If we often met the first two options in family life, then we will not say this about the third. Until recently, children’s play was generally considered nonsense; both parents and teachers paid little attention to it: «It’s children’s fun, let them do it.» Only in the middle of the XNUMXth century did psychologists begin to study play and consider it as an important factor in the mental development of the child. Now we know that the game in the life of children is as important as in adult life — communication, creative work. The game is a child’s way of understanding the world around him, inclusion in the world of adults and has all the rights to respect. Playing with a child does not mean becoming small, having fun. In addition to the pleasure of playing together, you will clearly understand what your son or daughter is doing, what worries them.
So let’s say you decide to try it. You got the role of a chauffeur, you take your children — your daughter’s dolls — to a kindergarten or a zoo, then you go to visit, travel along the river. «From the inside» children’s play seems much more serious, deeper. Real life dramas unfold in it, problems are solved. She, you will see, has a deep meaning, which we often do not suspect. So playing together is one of the best ways to find out what excites a child, how he perceives the people around him, including you.
At least try this. Play family. Take the role of a child, and let the child be a father or mother. Although the child’s imagination is extremely rich, what he usually plays goes little beyond the experience gained in the family. Listen to what he (she) says, being a parent, how he treats the “child” — affectionately, angrily, gu.e. or importunately, and you will see yourself in the mirror of your heir. I am sure that many things will surprise you and make you think. In addition to this personal benefit in the game, you have a great opportunity to show the child how you yourself feel when communicating with him, what kind of behavior excites you. You can even slightly correct the child’s behavior during such a game. For example, something in his behavior takes you out of patience. For example, in the mornings, when you need to hurry, although you have agreed in advance how you will act, the child neglects this and begins to act up for various reasons. In the evening, act out his behavior as figuratively as possible, let him, in the role of father or mother, try to cope with this situation. Maybe the child in the game, in a calm state, will look differently at his behavior and understand why his parents are not too polite to him under such circumstances. .
However, one should not get too carried away with such “examples” of psychological correction — you can become an unattractive partner for a child. First of all, the game is a mutual pleasure. And do not forget that in the game the leader and authority is a child, and you are a timid student. Don’t overstep your limits.
All three options for communicating with a child have their positive aspects. Each of them is desirable or even necessary for full communication. When you include a child in your activity, he joins the world of adults, feels his importance, learns to adhere to certain norms of behavior, not because you tell him to, but because these are the requirements of the activity itself. In another version, when you decide together what to do, the child learns democratic communication: ways to choose what everyone, and not just like him. He learns to communicate as equals. In the third case, when you get involved in children’s activities, you yourself learn to understand the child, and the child from joint games, where he plays the first violin, gets a sense of self-worth, his self-esteem increases and there is a sense of partnership with parents.
And most importantly. In all cases, if the child enjoys communicating together, he feels that you love him, and he himself begins to have warmer feelings for you.