Many women, expecting a second baby, worry that they will not be able to pay as much attention to him as they gave to the first one. After all, the eldest was then the only one, and mother belonged only to him. And someone, on the contrary, worries that the firstborn will be abandoned.
Remember, after all, this anecdote that when a mother has one child, she irons the linen and sterilizes the pacifier every time it falls to the floor, and when there are three children, thank God that the child eats the cat’s food, and does not climb into the trash ? It’s so funny because it’s based on truth.
“With my first child, I changed the diaper as soon as it got wet. With the second … his diaper sagged solidly under his butt before I paid any attention to it. It makes me feel like a terrible mother. ” Tatiana, mother of two sons (Time 4 years, Max – two).
“We assume that the more we take care of the child, the better,” says child psychologist Angard Rudkin, a father of three. – But many children need more personal space than we leave it, being too intrusive.
It turns out that overprotection is not always good. More important here is the fact that the second child has experienced parents. In addition, there are always a lot of people around him. The kid, as an initially social creature, feels it. And he has a sense of security, which he needs so much.
Moreover, the amount of attention is not as important as its quality.
– Even if you do not immediately approach the child when he demands it, it will not cause emotional harm to him. If, of course, the expectation is within reasonable limits, says clinical psychologist, Dr. Rachel Andrew. “If you try to give each child an equal amount of care, you will quickly be left with nothing. And here the kid learns patience, and that’s not bad either.
“With Sarah we had a whole bunch of evening rituals – plenty of splashing in the bath, a massage, a lullaby, a book … With Anna, I get so tired during the day that I rinse her hastily in the bathroom, tell a short story before going to bed – that’s all. But they both sleep, they feel good – and we lived another day. Also the result! ” Evgenia, mother of two daughters (Sarah is 5 years old, Anna is a year old).
It is very important to feel your child. And trust your “inner radar”, and not some dogma about how much communication your child needs per day.
“The children themselves will tell you how to behave,” says Dr. Rudkin. – If they feel great playing with a wooden spoon or their bottle, let them do it. If they become anxious, they may really be missing your concern.
Every child is different, and what works with one may not work with another. And always remember – you are the best mom for your child.
“Sometimes parents forget about themselves because they go out of their way to take care of their child, trying to satisfy and anticipate all his possible needs,” says Dr. Andrews. “But we must remember that you are also human. And you have needs too.
Moms with many children eventually get used to the fact that someone is always whining. And this someone is different every time. And they learn to juggle their own and others’ priorities. It’s not easy because parental guilt comes into play.
– You constantly reproach yourself that you do not do everything perfectly, you do not have time for everything. Stop it! So it’s not far from depression. Better ask yourself what your child really needs here and now and what you can give him. You will find that you can do everything, – advises Dr. Andrews.
In fact, it is good to be the second child. After all, the second child always has a company for games, the one who will stand up for him at school and tell you how long you can test parental patience.
“I always follow very closely what Masha has eaten, how she behaves at the table. And her older brother can spread the porridge on the table figuratively for about ten minutes until I notice it. From the outside it may seem that I do not think about him at all … ” Yuliya, mother of three-year-old Arthur and one-year-old Masha.
Irina Chistyakova, educational psychologist, gestalt therapist, consultant in the field of clinical psychology, speaks about the reverse side of the second child syndrome:
– Many Russian mothers tend to feel more guilty about an older child, because he has to pay less attention than before. They turn to a psychologist with the problem of jealousy between children, and in fact they are trying to cope with their own feelings of guilt and emotional dissatisfaction. And if the age difference between babies is small, then hormonal disruptions associated with pregnancy and breastfeeding also add fuel to the fire.
The psychologist advises about disorders of the endocrine system, it is worth contacting specialists, you will be prescribed a course of the necessary drugs, vitamins. It is equally important to involve a husband and relatives for help. Let them help you distribute attention between the children so that there is separate time for each, separate for playing together and separate for yourself.
– If these measures do not help, you can turn to a good psychotherapist for family counseling. And do not forget to tell your children how much you love them, how dear they are to you. Adults often do not attach much importance to words. But children constantly need confirmation. This will help build a trusting relationship with your child, and you – to cope with feelings of guilt, – added the psychologist.