We know from childhood: tears and masculinity are incompatible. But in the past, men could cry, and that was okay. Writer Sandra Newman reflects on why everything has changed.
Men do not cry. This attitude is firmly rooted in our culture. Acceptable minimum: a stingy tear at a funeral or moisture in the corners of the eyes when you accidentally pinched your finger. But in general, men are expected to control their emotions. Crying and even more sobbing is for girls.
And these are not just our ideas — this is a scientific fact. Data from the German Ophthalmological Society confirms that women cry five times more often than men and, on average, twice as long. The discrepancy is so widespread that we consider it natural, inherent in our nature.
A noble husband who expresses his pain with tears is an example of dignity, not weakness
But it was not always so. In the past, if a man cried, it was not considered shameful, but was the norm. In the Homeric Iliad, at least three episodes are described when the entire Greek army burst into tears in a single impulse. King Priam weeps, foreseeing the death of his son. A touched Achilles sobs when Priam comes to give him the body of Hector. Of course, we cannot be sure that everything happened as Homer describes it. But, no doubt, from the point of view of the ancient Greeks, his characters behave like true heroes.
In medieval historical sagas, we constantly come across references to weeping men. In the «Song of Roland» the lords cry, the emperor Charlemagne himself, and «the whole hundred thousandth army cries with him.» And this happens not only at the moment of mourning for the dead Roland, but even earlier — when Carl is only worried that his beloved nephew has fallen into a trap. The author not only does not try to obscure these points, but emphasizes them in every possible way. A noble husband who expresses his pain with tears is an image of dignity, not weakness.
A man-hero crying out loud is not only a phenomenon of Western culture. In Japanese epics, samurai defiantly cry for any reason. Here is a typical reaction to the death of a military leader from the “History of Heike”: “People who have become related over many years of service, everyone, right down to pages and ox-drivers, wept, grieving for the dainagon; there was not a single person whose sleeves were not wet with shed tears.
In all these stories, there is not a single indication that the man was trying to hold back his tears. No one pretends to have a speck in their eye. No one says guiltily, «Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.» And, importantly, none of their friends and associates laugh at them, tease them with “nurses”. For everyone, this is a worthy way of expressing feelings.
In factories and offices, the display of emotions was not encouraged — it was believed that they take up precious time.
In the Middle Ages, people spent their lives surrounded by those they knew from birth. A typical village had 50-300 inhabitants, most of whom were related by blood or marriage. The Royal Court was also a very intimate space. Approximate people had access to the bedroom of kings, where state affairs were often decided.
But between the XNUMXth and XNUMXth centuries, the population rapidly urbanized. In cities, people had to live surrounded by thousands of strangers. In addition, changes in the economy led to changes in behavior. In factories and offices, expression of emotions and even private conversations were not encouraged — it was believed that they take up precious time. Although women also worked in factories, they were more often assigned the traditional role of homemakers.
- What is holding back your feelings?
What did this turn lead to? Has the newfound male stoicism done more harm – or good? On the one hand, we are spared the feeling of embarrassment at the sight of tears rolling down the face of a colleague. This awkwardness is the result of our natural capacity for empathy. We cannot calmly look at someone else’s pain.
In addition, tears are a great manipulation tool. Some psychologists even consider it innate. Babies cry when they are hungry or feel pain or discomfort. This causes a response in adults — a desire to take care. At some point, crying “I want to eat” turns into crying “buy a toy”. Some master this technique so much that later they even achieve a promotion at work with tears.
In countries where more people cry, people are more satisfied with life.
Yet holding back emotions is not in our nature. Suppressing emotion can even harm our well-being. Back in 1980, nurse Margaret Crepeau found a link between stress-related illnesses and crying disorders. And psychologists at Tilburg University (Netherlands) have found an unexpected connection between tears and happiness. In countries where they cry more often, people are more satisfied with life. Finally, crying helps us understand other people’s feelings.
Maybe it’s time to let men cry again if they need to? Of course, it will not be possible to return to the times of medieval villages, where everyone knew each other, but you can try to revive their spirit. Our office culture is becoming less and less formal. So why not go further, and along with «everyday Fridays» also introduce «sensitive Mondays»?
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