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In early 2020, my husband, the love of my life, committed suicide. He was 34 years old. His suicide came as a complete surprise. He left behind several letters, from which I learned that he had suffered all his life from anxiety and the consequences of mental trauma, while not betraying his experiences to others. I was left alone, and I had to deal with it …
At one time, after several years of passion for yoga and meditation, I became interested in the practice of mindfulness. Immediately after the death of my husband, I completely immersed myself in these activities. My body at that time was at its limit, and it was necessary to find a way to somehow soften the shock of such a heavy loss. But I had no idea how effective the practice of mindfulness would help me heal emotional wounds and deal with my feelings.
How Mindfulness Helps You Feel Safer
Mindfulness is a state of mind in which we notice everything that we feel at the moment with all our senses. It can be achieved using various techniques (for example, breathing exercises or meditation).
The main thing in the practice of mindfulness is get rid of the constant flow of thoughts. All thoughts that arise during mindfulness meditation are accepted without judgment and then gently let go. Every time our mind wanders, we try to focus our attention back on the slow and measured breathing.
At first, mindfulness meditation simply helped me in particularly difficult moments.
The first time after the death of my husband, I was periodically haunted by panic attacks.
At these moments, wherever it happened (at a funeral, in a store or somewhere else), I immediately stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, exhaled and focused on breathing.
After a few minutes (and sometimes even seconds), the heartbeat slowed down, the tension in the chest subsided and the panic receded. As soon as the level of adrenaline decreased, each time I began to sob — this was how the accumulated experiences were released. Thanks to this, I felt safe, despite all life’s troubles.
Learn to «be» with your pain
Over time, the practice of mindfulness has evolved for me from a survival tool to a technique for better understanding my own pain. Every day at a certain time, I would take out my meditation mat and sit still for a while — just breathing and watching what was happening inside me — without judgment.
Gradually, mindfulness meditation became a means for me to simply be alone with my pain. By focusing on the sensations in my body and the thoughts that arose, I gradually allowed myself to fully experience the physical and emotional pain of the loss.
Thanks to regular practice, I got to know my grief better and understood where it “lives” in my body.
I could feel his physical manifestations—heavy chest, stomach cramps, clenched jaws, throbbing headaches, uncontrollable sobs. Equally keenly did I feel the emotional manifestations: feelings of emptiness, confusion, anger, loneliness, and the deepest longing I had ever experienced.
I was constantly tormented by the same questions: “Why didn’t I notice in time?”, “Why didn’t he ask for help?”, “How can I live now?”
With each breath I acknowledged the presence of all these sensations. And with each exhalation, I let go of them — as gently as possible.
Over time, I learned to bring my attention back to the present moment: to my body, my breath, to the solid ground under my feet. Somewhere in the subconscious there was a process of processing and healing. All I had to do was breathe.
Recognize and heal grief
Every day I repeated this exercise, allowing thoughts to come and go. Over time, I began to notice that the practice of mindfulness affects my life not only during meditation.
I began to think more clearly. Sometimes I had «insights», thanks to which I began to understand the consequences of what happened much better. I realized that I carry both my own pain and the pain of my husband. The two types of pain felt differently in the body and required different approaches to treatment.
The pain, caused by my own suffering, was felt as something sharp and seething, then as a state of shock and numbness. I felt abandoned and betrayed by the person I loved more than anything in the world. My own pain manifested itself in anger, pity, helplessness, emptiness and confusion. She yearned for answers.
The pain associated with the suffering of her husband was very deep and unspeakably sad.
It stemmed from his trauma and my fruitless attempts to save him from it. This pain was caused by his many years of invisible suffering due to depression and anxiety and his desperate attempts to hide his experiences. His pain was transferred to me and settled in my body.
When I was able to separate these two types of pain, it was a turning point in my healing process. I was able to recognize the intrusive thoughts about his death over and over again and find a more productive approach to them.
This realization helped me to really feel sympathy for him. Now I understood the full depth and severity of his suffering — and thereby was able to separate myself from his pain, which I had no way to heal or control.
It’s time to move on
To cope with grief and work through my trauma, I also visit a psychologist and a support group. My friends and family help me. Yet mindful meditation continues to play its most important role.
This practice has helped me learn how to manage stress and protect my body during difficult times. By focusing on my breathing, I was able to survive regular panic attacks, which could have had dire consequences in the very beginning — when the injury was still very fresh. In addition, meditation is always available — day and night, even when it is not possible to seek help and support from loved ones.
My pain and my grief change over time, but mindfulness always helps me to be kind to myself and gives peace and rest to my wounded soul. With mindfulness, I can accept my pain and experiences openly, with sincere interest, and also learn to live with my grief.
Text: Lenore Matthew — Psychologist