Often men are ready to talk about anything, but not about feelings. What mistakes do they make when faced with depression?
If you try to talk to men about depression, you will most likely be treated like a hedgehog in a balloon factory. Men do not talk about it, as if the ability to share experiences is not in their DNA. Perhaps this does not apply to all men, but there are a lot of them. Consider the mistakes of men suffering from depression:
1. They deny there is a problem. By pretending that you are not depressed, or downplaying negative emotions, you are deceiving yourself and distorting reality. Often this manifests itself in the form of self-hypnosis: «I can handle everything myself.» Most of us can’t do it on our own without help. People with low self-esteem or complexes about appearance should be especially careful.
2. They rely on alcohol and drugs. A couple of glasses of something strong will help to escape from the experience for a while, but in the long run, alcohol only worsens the mood. If you start to regularly cheer yourself up in this way, you can quickly slide into addiction. The same applies to any substances that artificially change the mood and perception of reality.
3. They are sure that a strong man is not subject to depression. “If I was given 10 cents every time I hear this from a client, I would have been rich by now,” says psychotherapist John D. Moore. “Nevertheless, we, the strong, are subject to this disease. Moreover, we masterfully know how to hide it!” Depression affects both sexes and has nothing to do with strength. The fact that you are faced with this disease does not make you less courageous.
4. They believe that drugs alone are enough. Many people believe that antidepressants are enough for treatment. While medication certainly helps, something else is often needed. The most effective approach to treating depression is a combination of psychotherapy (with an emphasis on cognitive behavioral therapy), regular physical activity, and medication.
5. They try to suppress thoughts. Some believe that the cause of depression is solely in depressive thoughts. As a result, they fall into a trap: by suppressing thoughts, they try to clear their thinking of all negativity. The problem is that this technique doesn’t work. Moreover, it can significantly worsen well-being. A healthier approach is to acknowledge the presence of unpleasant intrusive thoughts and let them go on their own. The more energy you spend trying to block them, the stronger they become.
6. They go to psychoanalysts. Examining your past can be helpful. Being aware of childhood traumas can help to experience catharsis. But scientific evidence shows that the best type of psychological help for depression is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). “Personally, I really like the so-called acceptance and commitment therapy, which is referred to as the “third wave” of CBT development,” says John D. Moore.
7. They fall prey to learned helplessness. If any part of you believes that nothing can be done because «life is like this,» you have become a victim of learned helplessness. People with this view of the world are convinced that they are victims of circumstances. So they give themselves permission to do nothing. Ask yourself: Am I a victim?
8. They become recluses. Men often respond to depression by isolating themselves. At the same time, they argue something like this: “If no one sees me, then no one will know how bad I feel.” In this situation, there is nothing worse than self-isolation. I know it’s hard to be around people when you feel so bad. Of course, you don’t have to force yourself. And yet, if you isolate yourself too much from everyone, you risk sliding into complete darkness and despair. This is how depression conquers us, and some never recover.
9. They are looking for someone to blame. Many exacerbate the course of the disease, starting to blame others. For example, they lash out at their wife or children when they are in a bad mood. As a result, they gradually destroy their «support system». It is important to know that no one, including you, is to blame for your illness. Yes, sometimes low mood is caused by circumstances, but in most cases, clinical depression has biological and/or hereditary causes.
Unfortunately, there is no switch that can be flipped to get rid of this disease. If only everything were that easy! But there is something you can do: rethink your relationship with your own emotions and create a realistic strategy for well-being in life. Over time, with patience and self-compassion, you can reduce or eliminate symptoms and feel much better. Real men meet depression head on. This applies to you too!
About the Author: John D. Moore is a psychotherapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy and hypnotherapy.