Criticisms are painful and often seem unfair. It is especially unpleasant to hear them from a wife or husband, the closest person in the world. How does he only turn his tongue to hurt us so much?! But we ourselves make comments, of course, for the cause. But instead of remorse, we get in response: “Look at yourself.”
Any, even the most fair criticism, if it is said carelessly or, moreover, deliberately pointedly, can ignite a real war between partners. What to expect from non-constructive criticism, which in fact becomes a common form of verbal attack? She says that the person is irritated, angry, that he does not like the object of criticism.
The natural reaction to such a message is an equally aggressive response. Even if the one who is being criticized remains silent, resentment will burn in the depths of his soul. It can accumulate for some time, but then it will break out, develop into hostility and a deep conflict.
It turns out a vicious circle. We criticize when we don’t like something. Instead of reforming, the partner begins to hate us. If dissatisfaction with others is suppressed, aggression will begin to grow in ourselves. And here, too, a matter of time – when it will splash out. Whichever way you look at it, the situation is getting worse.
So what to do? How to express dissatisfaction and not hurt another? Does criticism mean the end of love?
If they criticize us
Criticism in a couple does not mean that love has passed. But she is definitely going through a difficult period. When we are in love, we want to admire our partner, not criticize. Any reproaches speak of cooling.
It’s pointless to be offended by it. People do not control their feelings, and it is impossible to return sympathy by force. But she can be helped to recover by reducing the degree of mutual irritation. Therefore, if there is no goal to provoke a quarrel, it is better not to respond to criticism in the spirit of “look at yourself.”
Justifying yourself or being silent, holding a grudge, is also not worth it. Our task is to gently but persistently stop the flow of critical remarks addressed to us.
It is important not to ignore the offender, but also not to demonstrate on purpose how much he hurt us.
It is enough to calmly say: “Thank you for this information, you may be right / right” or “I understand what you are talking about, but I have a different opinion on this matter” – and no longer develop the topic. If the reaction to offensive remarks is restrained and neutral, the partner will quickly lose interest in this form of showdown. After all, we are attracted only by what gives emotions.
But it is important to be honest with yourself and objectively analyze everything that we are reproached for. If it turns out that the accusations are true, you need to try to make amends. Not in words, but in deeds. If the voiced problem is accepted and corrected by you, the partner, having seen your response, will appreciate the changes and be grateful. Any demand in the spirit of “look how I try” will devalue the result.
If the criticism is absurd (really absurd, and we don’t like to think so), it most likely hides claims that the partner for some reason does not want to voice.
Destructive patterns from the past
Clients of psychotherapists often tell how loved ones, for no reason, begin to criticize them for what they previously admired. For example, for the manner of speaking, eye color, figure, hairstyle or weight, which has not changed for the past 20 years, and now it has suddenly become annoying.
In such cases, we need to abstract from the accusations and look at what has changed in our behavior lately. Perhaps we offended a person, did not notice this, did not apologize, did not compensate for the damage, and now he is trying to hurt us in return.
Unconscious attitudes, absorbed in childhood, can have an influence – they do not allow us to directly say that we do not like, and even more so to admit that we are in pain.
Unspoken resentment needs to be released, and nit-picking begins for another reason.
This often happens in couples, where one of the partners has a new hobby, a group of friends, an interesting project. Most of the attention flows there, and the second one feels abandoned. He cannot say it out loud – he does not want to show weakness. Instead, he clings to trifles, stings, gets angry, criticizes. The partner feels offended by unreasonable aggression and moves away even more.
A frank conversation will help stop total cooling. But do not sort things out at the time or immediately after the conflict. You need to choose a place and time when both are in a good mood. Then there is a chance to discuss the problem delicately, without hurting anyone.
If you criticize
Carl Jung said: “Everything that irritates in others can lead to an understanding of oneself.” This is a universal formula for the development of reflection. If someone infuriates us so much that it is impossible to remain silent, then the person touches deep triggers that we did not even suspect. And this is a great reason to delve into yourself, look for the root cause, become more conscious and stronger.
The desire to criticize a partner has another aspect. It seems to us that this is how we open the eyes of others, push them to change, do better. But criticism, especially one that was not asked for, cannot be improved. And here you can get offended. So much so that the partner thinks: “Why am I next to a person who doesn’t like me, who feels bad with me?”
So if the goal is to end the relationship, then criticism is a great tool.
It destroys trust, multiplies resentment, provokes aggression and a desire for revenge.
If you want to keep the couple, you need to wean yourself from criticizing the partner’s personality. “Why are you dumb again?!” “How terrible you are in this jacket!” “I’m ashamed to visit with you!” – it is better to refuse such expressions.
When it is necessary to express dissatisfaction, we use I-messages and focus on actions, and not on a person: “It seems that in this situation you can do differently.” “Maybe try on a coat instead of a jacket? She’s got a bad fit.” “I felt uncomfortable when I was away…”
The restructuring of speech turns improves the quality of communication. Refusal of criticism builds trust and sympathy. And a nice person wants to open up and give more. Especially if it’s not someone else, but our own partner.
About the Developer
Ekaterina Talakova – family psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences. Her .