How love changes: four stages in the development of feeling

Every couple goes through these four stages: codependency, counterdependence, independence, and interdependence. It is hardly possible to skip any of them, since each stage helps us gradually adapt to life changes and requires the development of certain social skills.

Such a theory of “developmental systems” was proposed by the American practicing psychologists Berry and Janey Onehold*. Here are the criteria by which you can determine at what stage your couple is.

Stage 1. “We are one”

Signs of codependency

• Blissful state of fusion, euphoria, joy. The partner does not want to change anything.
• An obsessive desire to be constantly near the object of one’s love. Partners are immersed in each other, the boundaries between them are blurred or completely absent.
• Partners like the similarity between themselves. They ignore individual differences and avoid conflict. The manifestation of negative feelings, differences of opinion is seen as a danger.
• Partners are waiting for each other’s guardianship, unconditional acceptance and replenishment of the lack of heat.
• Social life freezes. There are fewer external contacts with friends, relatives, colleagues.

Cons

• Lack of freedom in the manifestation of true feelings and desires. Relationships are often built on duty, mutual manipulations (accusations, setting conditions, restrictions, prohibitions), which lead to control and submission and building relationships on the principle of “persecutor” – “victim”.
• The inability to imagine any other form of intimacy than fusion due to imposed idealized attitudes and stereotypes. The lack of understanding that the merger at some point begins to slow down the natural desire for development.

If partners linger too long at this stage, their relationship becomes destructive. One or both partners lose the ability to be separate individuals, become helpless and dependent on the other. At the same time, once you get tired of adapting and giving in. In merging, it suddenly becomes cramped, uncomfortable, uncomfortable.

Stage 2. “I want to be myself”

Signs of counterdependence

• Partners distance themselves, separate from each other. They no longer strive to live “one life for two.” At this stage, the development of one’s “I” is more important than the development of relationships. Each builds its activities separately from the other. There is access to your true feelings, desires and the need for self-disclosure.
• Returns interest in yourself and life outside the couple. Each of the partners has a growing level of self-awareness and self-respect. Relationships with friends are restored, contacts with other people are expanding.
• There is a liberation from illusions, the connection with reality increases. Partners stop idealizing each other.

Cons

• Partners may temporarily lose sensual attachment to each other, responsiveness. They can behave completely egocentric and compete with each other.
• Partners become less compassionate and empathetic towards each other. Quarrels and threats of separation can become commonplace. Everyone in a couple is trying to achieve their goal through illegal actions – indirect, hidden, manipulative.
• The language of feelings and requests is not yet developed. Manipulative actions also concern children: sorting things out through them, pulling children to their side (there is no healthy attitude that marriage is primarily a husband and wife, children are, in a sense, guests in the lives of partners). High risk of separation.

Stage 3. “You are You”

Signs of independence and comfortable intimacy

• Each partner has asserted himself, gained confidence in his individuality. In relationships, there is again a place for responsiveness and empathy.
• Negotiations are easier and faster as partners learn the skills to reach agreements and resolve conflicts.
• The ability to regulate the distance appears, to establish a level of closeness that is comfortable for oneself, to easily approach and move away without getting stuck on any of the poles.
• Partners tell the truth at any time about their feelings and desires (openness and honesty are a sign of a healthy personality). They communicate their worldview to each other, but do not require the partner to accept their value system.
• Periods of closeness alternate with distance, which is necessary for the restoration of independence. Already with experience, partners know that excessive independence is just as dangerous as excessive intimacy. There is a process of establishing true intimacy.

Cons

• One of the partners may fall in love, which will cause the other anxiety, jealousy, fear of loss.
• There may be a need for a new contractual form of relationship (weekend marriage, polyamory with or without cohabitation), which can be intimidating for one or both partners due to a lack of guidance and ready-made scenarios, as well as fear of judgment.

Stage 4. “Me and Us”

Signs of interdependence and partnership

• Two mature individuals who have successfully found themselves in life are firmly on their feet (financially and emotionally). Relationships are based on equal access to all resources – no one serves anyone. Partners are equal in rights, opportunities, responsibility and freedom of choice.
• Satisfaction of needs occurs through pronunciation of feelings.
• There is no clear division of roles between male and female.
• There is unity while maintaining individuality. Differences become a resource, an opportunity to become even closer, and not a reason for attacks, open or covert aggression.
• At the level of attitudes and beliefs, partners have a new, non-idealized understanding of love and intimacy, which includes both ups and downs, both unity and autonomy. This is a strong connection, long, stable and viable, a reliable attachment that satisfies everyone.

Cons

• The “chemistry” of attachment is able to suppress the “chemistry” of love and passion. Perhaps the extinction of sexual interest in each other.
• Everyone, regardless of gender and gender, is responsible for the financial and emotional well-being of the union. Both partners work and earn. This can be frightening for people who unconsciously seek to satisfy needs at the expense of another.

^* Berry K. Weinhold, Janey B. Weinhold are the authors of the book “Flight from Proximity. Ridding your relationship of counter-dependency, the other side of codependency” (Ves, 2014).