We live longer and longer, also as singles. Polish women get married four years later than their mothers, Poles five years later than their fathers. More and more often we do not end up with one wedding. How many years does a statistical Polish marriage last? We check with the Central Statistical Office, and Dr. Julita Czernecka, sociologist and psychologist – Katarzyna Kucewicz, we ask whether it is better to fight for a relationship or to part and try with another partner. – The cost of saving happiness is great – on one scale we put the good of the family, on the other – the good of the individual – says one of the experts.
- The average age of a Polish bride is 26 years and four months, the groom is three years older.
- We get divorced more and more. On average, after 14 years of marriage. Living twice as often in the city than in the countryside.
- We are more willing to enter into new marriages.
- – Divorces are not necessarily proof of the devaluation of the world of Polish values. More like a sign that we want to fight for happiness and we do not agree to be blocked by the ground floor, suggests Katarzyna Kucewicz, a psychologist.
The average bride gets her first wedding at the age of 26 and four months, the groom – three years later. Their first marriage, if it ends in divorce, will take 14 years on average. The average age of a divorcee is 39, a divorcee – 41 (we are talking about their divorce “first time”). – We live in times of great pursuit of happiness. Thanks to this, we become open to new challenges and changes, we are more willing to take risks, but it is also more willing to end relationships that do not serve us as we expected – says Katarzyna Kucewicz, a psychologist and psychotherapist.
Although the statistical first marriage ended in divorce lasts 14 years, there is a certain regularity: – The shorter our marriage lasts, the easier it is for us to break up. You can see the increase in divorce just a year or a few years after the wedding. And children are no longer the “brake” they used to be in traditional families. It is said that it is better to have happy parents separately than those who argue and cannot communicate under one roof, explains Dr. Julita Czernecka, sociologist, assistant professor at the Department of Gender Sociology and Social Movements at the University of Lodz. He even talks about the divorce boom, which occurs on average around the “40”. And it’s not about any midlife crisis, but about the fact that that’s about 14 years after the wedding. The next noticeable age groups deciding to break up are thirty and fifty years old. The former usually find differences in characters, inability to communicate in basic areas of life. The latter decide to part ways after the “empty nest” phase – the children left the house and suddenly it turns out that we need to get to know each other again, we think that the spouse has changed and disappoints us, so it seems to us that it is best to start with new. – The pursuit of what is new (in this case a new partner and relationship) seems to be an antidote to our problems. Sometimes it happens that a new relationship will satisfy our desires, but more often, while already in it, we realize that the same problems arise in the next relationship. As one of my interlocutors once put it: “if I knew that the third wife would be the same as the first, I would not divorce” – adds Dr. Julita Czernecka.
– It will probably sound controversial, but in my opinion 14 years is a long time. A lot can change, especially in the lives of young adults who develop, explore the world, reach higher and higher.
If one person has the will to develop further and the other does not, it may happen that as a couple they will stop broadcasting on the same wavelength, understand each other, and be friends with each other. Many of us change priorities, and even values and views every few years. Just because as 20-year-olds we had a common vision of ourselves, the world and the relationship does not mean that, as people under XNUMX, we perceive reality in the same way. Sometimes we stand on the other side of the barricade. It is sad, but it happens so – says Katarzyna Kucewicz. She reserves that she is far from praising divorce, because, of course, breakups are often extremely dramatic and painful situations in life, especially when a couple has children, but sometimes the breakup is inevitable and becomes the beginning of something good.
– I believe that divorces are not so much a sign of the devaluation of the value system of Poles, but a proof that people are starting to fight for their happiness, they want to save their lives instead of passively agreeing to what their fate will bring them – adds Katarzyna Kucewicz.
The above-mentioned 14 years are of course the national average. The disproportions are huge depending on where we live together, because a couple living in a city breaks up twice as often as a couple who decided to live in the countryside. The recipe for the durability of the relationship seems trivial, but it is rather difficult to persuade someone to spend his life away from the city out of fear of the end of love and the breakdown of the relationship, especially if there is no attractive job offer waiting for him in the countryside.
– Divorces in villages and small towns are twice as frequent as a result of a stronger attachment of local communities to traditional values, mainly families. Residents of large cities are much more focused on meeting their own needs. “Now I” becomes a strong motivator, and the natural consequence of this is that we are stuck in a relationship as long as it brings us satisfaction, meets our expectations and needs. When it stops and attempts to save the relationship do not bring the expected results, we decide to divorce – says Dr. Julita Czernecka, sociologist, assistant professor at the Department of Gender Sociology and Social Movements at the University of Lodz.
Katarzyna Kucewicz: – Unfortunately, the cost of saving happiness is great – the good of the family is on one scale, and the good of the individual is on the other. The moral dilemma is great, and there is no advice that is right for everyone. Not a single answer to the question “Fight for family or for yourself?” The circumstances under which such choices are made are often very dramatic and complex.