A beautiful picture of someone’s happy life on a social network caused a slight prick? Do you feel annoyed when you see a neighbor in a brand new car? Congratulations — you are not a “bad” person at all, but a completely normal person. Like everyone, you know the feeling of envy. Our expert will tell you how to use it to your advantage.
How often do we feel envy? If we live actively and our circle of contacts is wide, then, most likely, every day, and even more than once. And social networks, where everyone shows a beautiful facade of their lives, make us experience it chronically.
At the same time, we experience another unpleasant feeling — shame, since since childhood we have been taught all the time that only bad people envy. We were told — and we believed, never having checked this statement, taking it for the truth, making it our automatic installation.
Maybe we should check how true this is, is there another explanation for this emotion and is it always destructive? The very fact that envy is inherent in all people casts doubt on the truth of this message.
Envy in the process of evolution
There are no bad and good emotions. We need all of them to adapt to the world around us in order to survive and pass on to the next generation the information that is necessary for this survival. And if you look at envy from this point of view, then its task is to stimulate the desire to be better than its competitors.
Among the ancient people, those who were stronger, smarter and more sexually attractive survived and passed on their genes to their descendants. And the relatives, who were content with what they had, died of hunger and cold. They were vulnerable to stronger competitors and, accordingly, could not pass on their genes to their descendants with the installation stored in them: “I feel good anyway.”
This is how, over the course of tens of millennia, a feeling of intense discomfort has developed and consolidated due to the fact that the other has more than you have. This is what we now call envy.
There is another evolutionary aspect of envy. To win in the competition, it was necessary not only to develop their advantages. It was also necessary to deprive the advantages of their rivals — to cause them severe harm or destroy their property — in order to take the lead.
But if in primitive times such a strategy was quite adaptive, now, in the modern world, it can do more harm than good. After all, social exclusion or even prison does little to advance any progress.
Therefore, it is worth remembering the negative aspect of envy: we can cook for a long time in this unpleasant feeling or experience the consequences of maladaptive strategies, devaluing the achievements of others. But you can go the other way!
Step by step guide
Envy is a resource. Like any resource, it can be used both for good and for harm. If we envy something, it means that we really miss it in life. It means that some of our needs are not satisfied.
But it doesn’t work directly. The connection is not always clear. For example, we can build similar logical chains: “I envy those who travel a lot, so you need to travel.” Think about what need you would like to actually fill through travel? Perhaps you are so tired that rest is vital for you or tired of the monotony.
I offer a complete step-by-step guide on how you can use envy to take care of yourself:
- Realize the feeling of envy, acknowledge and accept it: “Yes, I am jealous, and this is completely normal.”
- Understand what exactly you are jealous of, for example: «I am jealous that she (he) does not have to go to the office every day.»
- Determine what need is behind this envy. It can be anything: lack of sleep, poor relationship with your boss or colleagues, lack of time for rest and communication with family, job dissatisfaction, feeling unwell, fear of contracting a viral infection, and so on.
- Think: “What can I do now?” For example, going to bed earlier, not staying late at work, taking sick leave, choosing a different style of interaction with people, a different mode of transport (or walking if possible). Of course, there are factors that are difficult to adjust, but there will always be something that can really be changed right now.
- If we are talking about global dissatisfaction or what cannot be changed under the given conditions, sketch out a list of possible options, choose the best ones and outline specific steps. I understand that this point may be the most difficult, but I think that there are always options. Yes, even if not ideal, but definitely better than when a person feels strong dissatisfaction with his life.
And if I formulate an alternative to the belief “only bad people envy”, I would say this: “Envy is a natural feeling that can help make our lives better.” Envy and be happy!