The ability to say “no” means a lot for mental health and self-confidence. However, not wanting to disappoint others, many of us go to all sorts of tricks to avoid saying that short but powerful word.
The word “no” meets active and sometimes painful resistance of our consciousness. We don’t like to say it and we don’t like to hear it. But at the same time, there are no sharper weapons when we want to defend our individuality and autonomy.
Why don’t we say it
There are many reasons to avoid the word “no”. We don’t want to offend anyone. We do not like confrontations and conflicts. A categorical refusal goes against children’s ideas of politeness and tolerance.
Linguist Nick Enfield of the University of Sydney reports on the results of a study of collective behavior in professional communities. It turned out that in the teams there was a whole system of ways to broadcast “no” without uttering the word itself. Like it’s explosive or toxic.
“You can report a rejection by avoiding the word “no.” For example, use non-verbal cues like pauses, sighs, or interjections like “well” or “mmm”. Most often, the interlocutor understands what you mean, ”says Enfield.
Sometimes a moment’s pause before an answer is enough to make everything clear. An observant petitioner will pick up the signal and try to avoid confrontation. However, people with sociopathic traits sometimes deliberately ignore your hints. Then you will have to clearly and clearly state that you cannot comply with the request.
Difficulties with the formulation of refusal are rooted in the history of human society. Since ancient times, it was important for an individual to belong to a certain community, and in order to take his place in it, he had to learn to avoid harsh answers.
“For our ancestors, life in a group meant survival,” writes Julie Cultas of the University of Sussex. – If you move to an unfamiliar place, the customs and etiquette of which you do not know, you look at the behavior of the locals and begin to behave in a similar way. This is an adaptation to new conditions, including a behavioral “yes” to new norms for you.”
The need to belong to a community is universal, but it is peculiar to different people to different degrees. More empathic people find it harder to say “no” because they put themselves in the place of the supplicant and experience his feelings in case of refusal. Research at Baylor School of Medicine has shown that women have a harder time saying no. In addition, women who agree more often than refuse are more valued at work.
How to say the scary word “no”
Baylor School psychologists have formulated 8 rules that will help you refuse and at the same time not offend the petitioner and not be upset yourself.
1. Clearly state your principles to the interlocutor. If someone asks you for money, your refusal is more likely not to offend the interlocutor if it is not directly related to him: “I usually don’t lend to anyone.”
2. Don’t let yourself be pressured. Just because someone needs something from you doesn’t mean they can dictate terms and determine the time it takes you to make a decision.
3. Choose humane ways to decline a request. Say that if you agree, you will cause inconvenience to someone else. This will soften the rejection by emphasizing that you value the relationship: “If I do X for you, I can’t do Y for someone else.”
4. Leave no room for interpretation of your answer. Otherwise, you will give the person false hope and the situation will become ethically problematic.
5. Rehearse the answer in advance. Repeat your answer several times. This will make it easier to say it out loud.
6. Remain calm. Do not get angry and do not hesitate, this will help to maintain a firm position.
7. Think of others. If someone’s request violates your obligations to your children, partner, or co-workers, think about them when you formulate your answer. Knowing that you’re standing up for their interests will help you stand up for yours.
8. Soften the blow. Most people are sensitive to rejection, so you must express your strong position in the most gentle and diplomatic way possible.