Many of us consider ourselves imperfect, drown in self-criticism and are mentally ready to do anything to bring our reflection in the mirror closer to the ideal from the covers of magazines. Psychotherapist Andrea Wachter explains what lies behind the hatred of one’s own body and how to overcome it.
Imagine that you have a friend. Around the clock, this friend worked for you, completing the most important assignments. Day after day, he helped you get up and walk, breathe and laugh, sleep and read, see and dream, hear and touch, and performed countless other feats.
Now imagine that instead of gratitude, you begin to criticize this friend, call him names, declare to him that you do not like him, moreover, that you hate him. It’s hard to even imagine, right? And this is exactly what many people do with their own bodies.
Our body works continuously for us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but thanks to the media planting unhealthy and unrealistic expectations in our minds, we not only forget to thank and appreciate it, but also dare to hate this miracle of nature, thanks to which we exist.
I started hating my body as a teenager. Long days were spent on self-criticism, contempt for one’s own body, comparisons with other, more perfect “copies”. Drugs and alcohol went into action: they helped to distract from this painful internal monologue …
Today, looking back, I realize that my hyperactive critical brain was actually trying to help me. I believed that if I hated myself enough, I could get my body in shape and get the love and approval I so desperately needed…
Gradually, I began to change: I learned that not only hatred, but also care and kindness can motivate
Year after year I went on about my manias, then limiting myself to food, then overeating, then exhausting myself with training, and so again and again … I graduated from school, I had many friends, relationships with young people (I must admit, not too healthy). I would not be surprised if others considered me the soul of the company, but in fact I suffered severely.
Even when I managed to have a good time, the leitmotif inside was the thought that I was not good enough and that if I got my body in shape, I would achieve perfection.
Many years later, fortunately, I finally realized that I needed help other than just another diet or exercise program. I had to deal with my emotions, my way of thinking, the endless rules of nutrition and fitness, my habitual way of communicating.
Gradually, I began to change: I learned that not only hatred, but also care and kindness can motivate. She put her own calmness at the forefront, and not trying to look like a way to win universal love. I began to love myself, which significantly reduced my need for the love of others.
I always believed that if I allowed myself to eat what I want, I would not be able to stop. But it happened just because I forbade myself to eat my favorite foods. It seemed to me that with a condescending attitude towards myself, I would never achieve anything – but experience showed otherwise.
By self-love, I meant narcissism, but only because I hated myself so much that megalomania seemed the only alternative. The life of slender and attractive people seemed to me ideal in every sense. It seemed that in order to become loved, you need to change your body, but in fact, all I needed to change was my own thoughts.
Over time, I learned to treat myself with kindness and compassion, to question ingrained stereotypes, to seek and find balance. I finally realized that a more perfect body will not make me loved, but self-love will just help in this.
Occasionally I review my teenage photos – and remember the girl from these pictures. The poor thing felt terribly uncomfortable in her skin, in her bathing suit, at parties. Now I realize that I was a lovely girl with a healthy, growing body.
Don’t waste time hating your own body. Thank him for everything he does for you every minute.
If only I could tell this girl, “You’re fine. Eat whatever you want, but wisely. Don’t believe everything that comes into your head and everything that others tell you. Move as long as it pleases you, and then rest. Be sincere. Make friends with those who will accept your sincerity and be sincere with you. Follow the desires of your heart, not just the desires of others. Seek balance. Try to find love for yourself.”
I know that I cannot save her from years of despair and suffering, gluttony and diets. But when I look at these twenty-year-old photographs, I say to myself: “Darling, you are a pretty middle-aged woman. Accept aging, wrinkles, sagging skin and age spots with a light heart.
Don’t waste time hating your own body. Thank him for everything he does for you every minute. Say thank you to your arms and legs, thank your lungs, your heart, because they allow you to live, feel and write. Feed, train, love and cherish your body – and help others do the same.
About the Author: Andrea Wachter is an American psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. Co-author of the book “My light, mirror, tell me: how to stop thinking you’re fat.”