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Like any girl, getting married, I counted on a long and happy family life. I had expectations, illusions and many other things. But these expectations were shattered by everyday life and everyday life. And after the birth of a child, we faced a serious crisis that lasted more than one year.
This is exactly what I want to tell you. It’s very personal, and for a long time I didn’t want to write about it. But at the same time, I understand that only an example inspires. Only a personal example and personal stories.
Crisis
When our eldest son was born, we were on the verge of a divorce. We were not ready for such a load (the baby screamed almost around the clock, there were problems with GV, stomach, and so on). In addition, even before his birth, we took a loan for a business secured by an apartment. But the business didn’t work. So we were left with a baby in our arms without an apartment.
There was no money either, because the husband decided to do business. And the first time had to tighten the belt. We lived on a child allowance in the amount of 1650 USD and on the help of grandmothers.
It was incredibly hard, especially for me. I’m used to being strong. I’m used to doing everything myself. I got used to a certain prosperity — after all, I used to work at three jobs and buy what I wanted. Herself. And then my hands were tied. I could not leave the little one and go solve problems. I had to sit and wait and hope. Which was very annoying.
Of course, I now understand that I did not believe in my husband then. And she didn’t help him, but rather the opposite. With my paranoia, I deprived him of the opportunity to solve problems. I pressed it into the sofa, into computer games, into beer … What inspiration is there — debts, showdowns with bandits, shock from parents, a small child and also a vixen wife.
Move
Having lost everything that we had in Irkutsk, we decided to move to St. Petersburg. Because what difference does it make where to start from scratch. And I wanted to move for a long time.
In St. Petersburg, no one was waiting for us, there was very little money for the first month. There were no jobs either. The husband was spinning as best he could — he sold ice cream on the beach, and disks in the subway, and got a job. In parallel, we developed Self-Knowledge…
Relations from all this did not improve. Stably 1-2 times a week we swore in the trash. To tears, tantrums and divorce. Then they cooled down and everything went on. But such quarrels took away strength, they did not give the opportunity to grow and progress.
At the same time, our friend, Sasha, gave us a disc. And he said that you need to listen to him. It was 2007. We smiled and pushed the disc deeper into the boxes. Like, there were still some discs missing.
A little later, the financial situation leveled off — there was an opportunity to earn money. The portal began to bring some money. And we hit the race. More customers, increase the average bill, and so on… It did not bring happiness, the number of quarrels did not decrease.
We moved from St. Petersburg to Pushkin — closer to nature and cheap housing. They rented an empty apartment. Given that we did not have furniture, we slept on the floor. Items were kept in boxes. The cutting table was on the windowsill. In general, ascetic. But fresh air, park, ducks…
A light in the end of a tunnel
And one evening, sorting out the boxes, the husband took out a disk. It was already 2008. It’s been a year now that the disc has been lying around with us. For some reason, we decided to listen to him. It was Oleg Gadetsky’s audio training «Laws of Fate». And after that we couldn’t turn it off.
It was a strange feeling — as if I got out of my box and saw a huge bottomless sky. The consciousness has expanded so much. So much more visible and understandable.
Almost immediately we began to try. We tried to get up early, go to bed early, wish everyone happiness … And life began to change. Miracles began to happen. And most importantly, the inner feeling began to change. The hopelessness and constant depressnyak has passed. I realized that money is not everything. And they are not the reason. They are more of a consequence.
At the end of the first disc, we asked for the second one. It was already Oleg Gennadyevich Torsunov. And I am infinitely grateful to him for lectures on family relationships. I still remember the shame I felt when I first heard about women’s duties. How many of them do I actually do? None.
I cooked just to feed — what kind of love is there!
I never liked cleaning, let alone ironing and washing.
I had many secrets from my husband — from how much the dress cost to the fact that I was not sure that he was the best for me.
And in general the question of fidelity for me became a bolt from the blue. I realized that not a single day I was faithful to him. I always thought that somewhere there is someone better. That I deserve more. What could have happened to someone else. And other nonsense.
Where to get an example?
Respect, loyalty, faith in him — all this I needed to learn. I didn’t have an example before my eyes. My mother and I lived together all our lives. I have not seen happy families. Almost everyone got divorced with the division of tables and napkins. Those who lived together constantly complained about each other and openly teased each other.
And since childhood, I had the feeling that men are not needed. My mother always said — and still says — that it’s easier. That you don’t need to adapt to anyone, rely on anyone. You do everything yourself. And you know exactly where everything is.
As a child, all my games came down to the fact that I have many children — and I live with them. They never had a husband. I even remember how at the institute I made plans — to give birth to a child for myself and raise him myself.
In my female family, almost all women raised children alone.
My mother, after a traumatic separation from my father, never remarried. It was too hard for her to be pregnant alone. Although she is beautiful, and there were fans. But the relationship did not develop into a serious one.
My grandmother was married three times. From the first husband after the divorce left a daughter. Then she met my grandfather. They had two more daughters. And everything would be great, but grandfather died early. And the grandmother was left alone with three daughters. She married for the third time, but did not find a husband, but a fourth child.
My great-grandmother was left with three younger children in her arms after my great-grandfather left for another. They had six children in total.
According to the logic of the family, I should have been left alone. And I have a lot of tendencies towards this. It was I who, during the quarrels, shouted the loudest about the divorce. It was I who took the three-month-old child and went to live with her mother. And it was I who provoked many situations and quarrels.
After realizing all this baggage, I felt sick. I still remember this state, because yesterday it seemed that I was an ideal wife. And today it turned out that I was ruining my family and interfering with my husband.
Hard work on yourself
And then I decided to conquer my fate. I still remember that point and great determination. I got up at 4 in the morning, wished everyone happiness, took a bath.
I started washing the floor every day with my hands. Wash the dishes. Wash clothes by hand (we didn’t even have a washing machine). Walk with the child 3 times a day, regardless of the weather. Feed the ducks in the park.
Do charity work. Although we were not very good with money, I decided not to sell children’s things, but to give them away. So I gave a stroller and a children’s chair to a single mother. I sent children’s things by parcel to the regions.
I cooked with love, looked for new recipes, while trying to minimize the amount of meat in my husband’s diet.
I also learned to be honest with my husband. Stop hiding the cost of things. She stopped talking about him and his shortcomings with her friends. I started keeping a gratitude journal.
The work started great. And it was very hard. Especially — do not expect gratitude. So I wanted to ask after every dinner — «well, how am I, well done?». Sometimes I could not restrain myself and ran into a compliment.
I even remember once I was offended by my husband for something. And she didn’t sleep all night, but she said to herself: “You were never the way I wanted you to be. I fully accept you for who you are.» The next morning I got up with a completely clear head and a pure heart. Which was very surprising.
It’s been four years…
Four years have passed since then. Three years ago, my husband and I got married. And two years ago our second son was born. Because we decided to fix what’s broken instead of throwing it away.
I still have not become an ideal wife according to Torsunov. I sometimes run the house and dirty dishes. Sometimes I’m too lazy to cook, and I ask my husband to be a raw foodist for a day. It’s not every day that I get up before dawn. And not every day I pray and wish everyone happiness.
Sometimes I get stressed and turn into a vixen and a chainsaw for a while. Sometimes I forget how to ask or complain.
At such moments, the husband usually tells me: “Go read Valyaev.Ru — it is well written about the duties of a woman.”
And I’m happy. Despite the fact that the ideal is still galloping, I am happy. Yes, I am not yet able to give all the money for the construction of the temple, refusing a new dress (as the wife of Oleg Gennadievich Torsunov does). And I really do not do everything that I would like to do. I still want to learn a lot of things, to revive many qualities in myself. When I again plunge into the past state, I immediately put on lectures by Oleg Gennadievich. For me, they are a tub of cold water. They help me sober up and see the path that I turned off.
But I see how much I have changed during this time. And my husband sees it. And my close people.
That is why I try to talk about it.
Anyone can. If he wants…
Any family can change. When they write to me that I was just lucky that we didn’t have everything running, that my husband just had potential, but someone doesn’t have it …. You know what, when you really want to change, you look for opportunities. When you don’t want to, you look for excuses.
This is not an easy path. Because sometimes you need to grit your teeth and change. Change your behavior, admit your mistakes, go forward
No one promises that it will be easy — read the article and everything worked out. Only constant work with yourself changes life. Just daily effort.
I haven’t always been like this. And it didn’t happen right away. And if I could with all my luggage, then anyone can. I did not have any rudiments of femininity. No example, no original “girlishness”, no positive generic programs.
And many of you probably have resources. Maybe you were a girl as a child, not a boy. Played with dolls and families. They wore dresses and skirts. Befriended girls… then this is your resource!
Or maybe there was an example of a happy family before my eyes. Maybe not dad and mom, but uncle and aunt. Or neighbors. Or grandma and grandpa. Then this is your resource for change.
Or you have generic resources to be a happy woman. Everyone has them — just sometimes deeply hidden.
Look for opportunities. Look for potential. In myself, in my husband, in my family. Seek and you will find.