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How long does it take to realize that you have been the victim of an abusive relationship? Our heroine took several long years to do this. A Psychologies reader told how she broke up with her tyrant husband, who pursued her even after the divorce, and the psychologist gave recommendations on how to help in such a situation.
“My husband locked me in the bathroom and poured cold water on me”
Varvara, 34 years old
“My husband started banging on the door of my room. The door was strong, did not give in for a long time, but at some point he ran and kicked the door. In front of me stood an angry man with a red face, distorted with hatred … I still remember this terrible night, for some reason I cannot erase it from my memory. The son was then only six years old, and he simply adored his father. This is not surprising, for a long time I tried to hide from him that my husband sometimes behaves aggressively. His poking, sly pinching, unkind jokes — all this was my secret, which I could not share even with my closest friend. It was embarrassing to talk about this topic.
Sociable and charismatic, Vladislav simply charmed my friends from the moment we met. And when I got married, my friends and relatives unanimously repeated that I was very lucky. He made good money, and when the flower delivery business was not going as well as before, he easily refocused on the construction of hotels in Montenegro.
“You live like behind a stone wall, with such a husband you will not know grief, you will provide for both you and your son,” my mother often told me.
And I had no choice but to maintain the image of a happy wife and mother. But every year, and then every month, our life became more and more unbearable. Vlad could bring friends in the middle of the night, wake me up with a shout: “Collect on the table, don’t you see, the guys and I are hungry.” He manipulated his son, told him all sorts of nasty things about me. And then came the moment when I could not stand another day. That’s it, I’m getting a divorce from my tormentor.
Divorce was not as easy as I expected. My husband turned my son against me, my parents and girlfriends were sincerely surprised that I was leaving such a “wonderful” man. Well, I decided, it was my own fault: I created an information vacuum that allowed my loved ones to idealize the image of my husband. I called the closest ones and told about what I kept in myself for many years. I spoke, tears flowed down my cheeks, my mother hugged me, and we cried together. That evening I told everything: how my husband locked me in the bathroom, jealous of one of my mutual friends, poured cold water on me and humiliated me, calling me offensive words in the presence of his friends.
A couple of days of calm after the divorce, a new story began: Vladislav literally turned into a monster
He started chasing me, punctured the tire in the car, and one day he took his son from school and did not tell me about it. He no longer hid his aggression, the divorce seemed to untie his hands, and everything secret became clear. The painful turn did not bode well for me. Threats, hatred—I knew he was capable of anything now.
I decided to save myself radically: I changed my place of residence and did not tell anyone about it. Information should not have leaked to the ex-husband-aggressor. Even those closest to me only knew that I was fleeing, my son and I live by the sea, and soon I will let you know about myself.
Two years have passed, my ex-husband got a girlfriend, the business expanded in another country, and it seems that he lost interest in me and my son. Over the years, my boy has grown, I told him everything. He looked at me in a completely grown-up way and said that we were together: “If my father comes back into our lives, then I can stand up for us.”
«You just thought»
Maria Afonina, psychologist
In the case of our heroine, we are talking about abusive relationships (from the English abuse — abuse) — a constant violation of the norms of communication and the manifestation of cruelty against a loved one. In this type of relationship, one person is an abuser and uses different ways to subjugate a partner and humiliate him, getting pleasure and a resource from this process. The other person in such a relationship becomes a victim. How to recognize danger?
The main signs of an abusive relationship
1st sign. Maximum control by the abuser of different areas of the victim’s life: social circle, hobbies and activities, movements, appearance, nutrition, etc .; unreasonable jealousy, isolation from society.
2st sign. The use of violence in various forms:
emotional abuse — threats, insults, ignoring, blackmail, manipulation;
economic violence — tight control of expenses, deprivation of money and material goods;
physical violence — beatings, restrictions on movement, other ways of using physical force;
sexual abuse — sexual acts with the use of coercion, many sexual relations on the side, which is often openly reported to the partner.
One of the most dangerous forms of abuse for a victim of manipulation is gaslighting. The abuser convinces his victim of the inadequacy of the perception of reality, makes him doubt his own version of what is happening or his memories. For example, there was an agreement to go on vacation (perhaps even tickets were bought), but at the last moment the abuser says: “We didn’t agree, it just seemed to you.”
3st sign. The desire to blame the partner and shift responsibility for most problems, including conflicts, onto him. Although they (and just for the sake of the conflict itself, and not for the purpose of solving the problem or agreeing) are “beneficial” precisely to the abuser: this is how he receives “emotional nourishment”.
4st sign. The instability of the abuser’s mood, when he can use violence, and then, literally in half an hour, behave as if nothing had happened.
5st sign. Significant differences in the behavior of the abuser when he is with a partner one on one and at social events. In society, the abuser often appears courteous, caring, attentive — it is not surprising that the environment gives the impression that the victim is lucky with a partner. For example, the heroine of the story says that her husband really liked her friends and relatives.
How to break up with an abuser
Just like the heroine of the story, it can be difficult for many of us to get a divorce, to break off relations with an abuser. If we become a victim of abuse, then for a long time we cannot call what happens to us with the word “abuse”. After all, episodes of abuse at first alternate with periods of admiration from the abuser, and the level of violence in a relationship increases gradually. At the same time, each time the victim is inspired that it is she who is to blame for the problems. Over time, the victim’s self-esteem decreases more and more, the social circle narrows, and there are fewer resources left. And as a result, she ceases to see opportunities for getting out of a relationship that destroys her.
We have a plan!
To notice signs of violence and abuse, you can write down the facts and events that fill the relationship for several days or weeks, and then look at these records as if from the side. Then the perception will be difficult to deceive.
To restore your own resource and self-esteem, you should gradually look for hobbies, leave the house and communicate with other people, start studying or working, attend support groups (including online ones).
It is very important to enlist the support of the social environment: tell relatives, neighbors, friends about what is happening and ask them for help.
There are also organizations that help victims of abuse and domestic violence — you can contact him for a consultation, often help is free.