How fathers experience the loss of a child: 4 stereotypes

Having survived the loss of a child, fathers find themselves in a paradoxical situation: the expectations of their wife and loved ones, their own experiences and the demands of society are so contradictory that there is almost no chance of being understood in their feelings. Are men allowed to cry, or do they have to keep appearing strong and impenetrable? Their emotional manifestations and actions are not always clear to others.

Let’s try to understand the cultural attitudes and ideas of others, including women, about how fathers feel in a situation of perinatal loss, and understand whether they need help.

1. A man worries not for a child, but for a woman

“I worry about my wife, I want her to feel better. And I? I’m already fine, but I don’t understand how to live on … ”- says 40-year-old Nikolai.

Women do suffer more physically after the loss of a child. For several months, their body was rebuilt to a new regime, preparing for the appearance of the baby. But when he is not born, their body undergoes various, often painful manipulations – from “cleansing” at the gynecologist after a pregnancy fades, cessation of lactation to complex recovery procedures after sometimes extremely difficult childbirth. Their pain is more noticeable and emotional – it is easier for women to talk and cry about grief.

A man is primarily concerned about how childbirth or surgery will affect a woman. Naturally, he worries about her – a living suffering loved one nearby, and at first he is not so consumed by the death of a child. The consciousness of a man will turn on and begin to realize the fact of losing a child later, when he is convinced that nothing threatens his wife.

“For a man, the work of grief does not start immediately and proceeds more restrained,” explains Olga Lebedeva, a psychologist at the Light in Hands Foundation. He thinks about how his condition will affect his wife and older children. The fact that a man worries about his wife does not negate the fact that he is grieving for his dead baby. A man is also expecting a child, making plans for the future with him, begins to feel like a dad and imagine himself in a new social role. If the pregnancy is terminated or the child dies in childbirth, he too experiences the loss of a future. And he, like a woman, needs time to get over what happened.

2. A man did not bear a child, did not see him, which means he does not worry

“The husband, of course, speaks words of support, but how can he understand? It wasn’t him who was tormented by toxicosis, he didn’t go through hospital horror, he doesn’t worry and doesn’t feel like I do, ”explains 32-year-old Irina.

What is important here is how the man behaved during pregnancy – whether he stroked his stomach, whether he spoke with the baby. If there were no such manifestations, it may seem to a woman that the man did not join in her pregnancy, did not feel a new life inside her – this is what Irina is talking about.

Indeed, more often a man develops attachment to a child later than a woman. He does not feel movements, changes in the body, which reacts to the development of the fetus. During pregnancy, for many fathers, the child is still, as it were, not in the material world. It is for the mother, who feels it with her body.

But for the father, the child is in his thoughts and dreams. A man imagines that if there is a son, they will be able to go fishing together or repair a car, and if a daughter, how he will drive away fans. He already gives the child a place in his life, time and space. And the very feeling of “father of the unborn child” or “father of two / three children” is worth a lot for a man. And therefore it is difficult for him to survive and fill the vacuum that has arisen instead of a drawn and clearly imagined future.

3. A man doesn’t cry after losing a baby, which means he doesn’t care.

“I don’t understand how you can remain calm in such a situation! Doesn’t he care? It’s just made of stone,” 38-year-old Alla wonders.

Cultural attitudes like “boys don’t cry” are so deeply “absorbed” into the public consciousness and the consciousness of individual women and men that they work even after facing such grief as the loss of a child. In addition, a man is forced much earlier than a woman (who continues to be on maternity leave even after a tragic birth) to return to her social duties, during which tears are inappropriate. This includes notifying relatives and friends about what happened, and organizing a funeral, and going to work. A man does not have space for the manifestation of feelings and tears.

At home, he often protects his wife from unnecessary worries in the hope that if he is strong, she will feel better. For a woman, such concern can be perceived as emotional coldness and alienation, because she wants not only to talk about her feelings, but also to hear the pain of the child’s father, thereby sharing her own with him. That is why the tears of a man are regarded by women as intimacy: this signal of sympathy and empathy is understandable for them.

A woman can wait for sincere conversations about the loss, but a man is completely at a loss: how can he help if the idea of ​​crying in front of his wife is unacceptable to him. Suppression of feelings can lead to the abuse of alcohol – an easy and quick way to feel some relief and relieve tension at least for a while.

“It is important for men to find a way to share their pain: with friends who will understand, with a wife who can discern pain and unshed tears behind his mask of calmness and detachment, with a psychologist who will respect the state of a man and will not wait for the “right” emotions” , – recommends the psychologist and head of the Light in Hands Foundation Alexander Feshina.

4. You need to distract your wife from sad thoughts, then she will feel better

“She cries all the time. I can no longer see her tears, I have to do something,” admits 34-year-old Igor.

Men tend to think in terms of problem-solution. It seems to them that the natural and most effective solution in such a situation is to distract the wife from sad thoughts and difficult memories, while the woman does not want this at all.

Various offers and persuasions are used: from “you need a positive attitude, come to your senses” to “let’s go to friends, unwind, get distracted.” What does the woman hear? “I’m tired of your tears and conversations, forget it already!” And it hurts a lot. What is really behind such words of a man? A sincere desire to help a loved one, but not knowing how to do it.

“Trying to help his wife cope with grief in this way, a man only aggravates her condition,” explains Elizaveta Sukhanova, psychologist at the Light in Hands Foundation. – Mutual resentment and misunderstanding arise between partners. A woman feels lonely and rejected by the closest person, and sometimes even “wrong”, because he copes, but she does not.

But the loss of a child and grief is not a problem or a task to be solved. It is rather a process that you need to open up with all the love for the deceased baby and vulnerability to life, admit your powerlessness in some life circumstances and live the pain.

Also, do not decide for your spouse what kind of help she needs. Ask what can help her right now. Sometimes the best solution for her is just to be at home alone.

In a situation of perinatal loss, it makes no sense to compare who suffers more. Each parent goes through his own way of saying goodbye to the child, with the dream of him, with their joint history, which did not happen. And it is important that a man not only be a support for his wife and older children, but also find support in relatives, friends or seek professional help. He should be able to choose whether to openly share his experiences and discuss them, to live the loss alone with himself or in a narrow circle of trusted friends.

Psychologists of the Light in Hands Foundation are ready to support men in any of their choices, understanding the complexity of their role in caring for the family and themselves in a situation of perinatal loss.