Contents
How does returning to live with parents affect us psychologically?
Psychology
Feelings of failure and frustration are very common if we talk about this situation
Leaving our parents’ house and becoming independent has always been a sign that “we have made it”, or at least that we are working on it. Flying out of the nest with “all the law” is one of the steps that sets the rhythm of our life. And have to return to what was our childhood home It can be more than complicated. A situation that perhaps for other generations was not only improbable, but almost impossible, it is the reality of more and more people: economic difficulties, job losses, couple separations … all can be the cause of returning to settle with parents after a period of independence.
«To become independent is considered, in a general way, as a
definitive step of success for adult and mature life. Therefore, returning home can be perceived as a step back in that evolution, accompanied by a feeling of failure in the face of development as an autonomous person “, says psychologist Bárbara Lucendo, from Centro TAP. He comments that this return can generate a host of unpleasant emotions (frustration, disappointment, uneasiness) that make this moment especially complex and difficult to face.
Why do we go back to living with our parents?
Sheila Estévez, a psychologist specializing in emotional conflicts, makes a differentiation according to the reason for returning home. For example, he points out that if this is a consequence of job loss, “you will feel a mixture of sadness, anger, fear, anxiety and frustration in the face of the uncertainty of the moment.” If the return is motivated by not having been able to maintain our economic stability, explains that the shock with this new reality “will generate the sensation of feeling out of place, as well as a kind of emotional regression.”
«Having broken up with the couple will take with it the mourning for said loss and the mourning for the rupture of the life project built up to that moment », explains the psychologist. Finally, he comments that if the return is a necessity, to be able to take care of the parents, or the family, «the feeling of leaving in ‘will appear.Stand by‘one’s life, to dedicate as much time as possible to caring for relatives, a feeling that will be mixed with anxiety, felt fear and concern about the advancement of the disease.
In this dynamic, not only the children who return home must adapt to a new reality, but also the parents who see the return of their children. Bárbara Lucendo comments that, in the case of parents, it is very possible that a sense of guilt flourishes in them «for not having been able to provide your child with sufficient personal resources to solve the situation. He points out that, if we find ourselves in this situation, it is essential to manage everything properly.
Keys to make the return easier
For children who return to their parents’ home:
– Be clear that this situation is not final, if not that it can be solved.
– Take special care with the internal language that we use to tell ourselves and interpret the things that happen to us.
– Be careful with the way we relate to our parents and how we address them. It is a difficult time and sometimes we pay for that frustration with the people we have around us.
– Collaborate in the tasks carried out at home.
For parents who see their children come home:
– They must also assume that the parent-child relationship has changed and that they are now in a more symmetrical position where they are all adults with similar vital responsibilities.
-The first days of coexistence have to try to make the atmosphere as relaxed as possible; making children feel welcome will make this process much easier for them.
– It is very important to respect the privacy, the private area, of each of the family members.
The first thing to keep in mind is that, even if we go back to our parents’ house, we must act as a family in a different way to how we had done it before. “We return to the parental home, but we are not children again, so our responsibilities have changed,” says Bárbara Lucendo.
Psychologist Sheila Estévez emphasizes the importance of “updating” the bond between parents and children. Therefore, you must create a new family dynamics, and talk about those things that the past could be a conflict, so that they do not happen again. “It is important to know how to express without resentment what could hurt one, another, or both parties, so that a new dynamic is established without denying the past, or to avoid jumping to the minimum that there is a moment of tension in the present” , says the professional. «The position of the son and the parents is much more similar to when he was a child or adolescent, now both are adults with similar responsibilities and positions to fulfill and with shared life experiences, so the family dynamics must also be different from the previous one. emancipation, adapting to the evolutionary moment in which we find ourselves today, “adds the TAP Center psychologist.
What if I go back to my parents’ house … with my children?
Going back to living with the parents once they are independent is complicated, and it is even more so if, in addition, own children included in the equation. The psychologist Sheila Estévez, an expert in emotional conflicts, points out that the most important thing is not to forget who the grandparents are and who the parents are. “The roles have to be well defined and respected, so that things are simple between adults and for minors. For it, adults have to treat each other like adults, without falling into dynamics of the past father-son, “says the professional.
In this case, it encourages promoting communication at all times, prior to establishing the limits of each of the members of the house. In this way, minors will be clear about the role of each adult in the new family situation,something essential to have better emotional stability, and minimize conflicts. “Adults have to be an example and they have to facilitate the stability and balance of children in the new situation of which they are passively part,” he says.
Finally, the psychologist Bárbara Lucendo gives advice to manage that feeling of “failure” that can invade us when we return to our childhood home. To begin with, he points out that it is essential to continue fulfilling the responsibilities of our evolutionary moment as we have done until now. «This situation is temporary and can be fixed whenever you propose it to us, so saving a daily temporary space to look for new opportunities will make it easier for us to carry this moment in a healthier way ”, he recommends. He warns of the importance of using good language to speak to ourselves in this period, since “we are particularly affected by the way we tell ourselves what happened.”
“There is the idea, in general terms, that once you have achieved complete emancipation, you have achieved a definite step into adult life and if you go back to your parents’ house, you are taking a step backwards,” says Lucendo. But it is important to know that not all things are black or white. «This stage can be an opportunity for us. Acquiring a proactive attitude will help us to feel efficient in the face of our commitment to improve our present situation », concludes the psychologist.