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What is better for a relationship – when only one of the two scatters socks around the apartment or both? Scientists have figured out this – and also what character traits are more important for a strong relationship. Interview with the author of the study.
The couple will be stronger if the partners have some of the same character traits – this was the conclusion of Beatrice Rammstedt, Professor of Psychology at the University of Mannheim (Germany). Together with colleagues, she studied the lives of 4 couples for 7000 years. Beatrice Rammstedt talks about what determines the duration of a couple’s existence, whether two egocentrics can get along and why a woman’s satisfaction is more important for relationships than a man’s satisfaction.
Psychologies: Is it possible to predict how long a relationship will last in a couple?
Beatrice Rammstedt: This is difficult when it comes to a specific couple, as relationships are influenced by many factors that cannot be predicted. However, observing a large number of couples, my colleagues and I have identified some patterns. So, on average, relationships are more stable if certain character traits coincide in partners – commitment, goodwill, openness to new experience.
These traits are part of the “Big Five”, as psychologists call the list of basic personality characteristics?
Exactly. With regard to everyday life, this means, for example, that it is better when both partners scatter their socks around the apartment (which corresponds to a low degree of obligation). But if only one of them does this, this situation becomes a source of conflict. In the same way, if one is open to new things – and is willing to go to some new restaurant from time to time – and the other wants to constantly go to the same one, this can create tension in the relationship, since someone always remains unsatisfied.
What happens if both partners are self-centered and unfriendly?
BR: Paradoxically, two irritable partners can live in good harmony. Conflicts are more likely to appear if one is more accommodating and more in need of harmony, and the other does not share his aspirations. Then the relationship is asymmetric and unstable.
Read more:
- 10 dangers for relationships in a couple
How important is it to match other character traits?
For some traits, any combination is acceptable. For example, two extroverts can get along great, but can also start to compete with each other. On the other hand, an extrovert with a high need for social relationships may have difficulty pairing with an introvert. But it is quite possible that their relationship will be harmonious in terms of complementary roles: for example, if one likes to talk and the other to listen, everyone will be happy.
It seems that emotional stability is always a plus for a couple. Do relationships last longer if both partners are emotionally stable?
Curiously, during our research, we did not notice that emotionally unstable partners (also called “neurotic”) experienced special difficulties in relationships. Apparently, relationships can last if both partners are anxious and restless – perhaps because they enjoy the similarity in lifestyle. It can also be assumed that the one of the two who is more emotionally stable provides the other with support that is valuable to him, and each feels good in his role. However, our recent research has shown that a woman’s emotional stability plays a crucial role in relationships: the more emotionally stable a woman is, the more satisfied she is with the relationship. Women’s frustration in relationships leads to separation much more often than men’s.
Do partners become similar to each other over time?
The studies that we conducted over the course of 4 years did not show this. However, in couples that broke up, there was an increasing divergence of partners in five main character traits, although in general the character of each of them was considered as relatively stable.
How can this be explained?
We do not yet know where the cause is, where the effect is: whether the partners break up because the dissimilarity of their characters is growing, or whether their characters begin to differ more and more because they broke up. We tend to think that the second hypothesis is correct, but this has yet to be confirmed.
big five
Researchers have identified five key personality characteristics. They can be described using statements that involve varying degrees of agreement or disagreement.
Extraversion: “I express my feelings easily and enjoy interacting with others.”
Neuroticism: “I often feel anxious and easily lose confidence in myself.”
Openness to new things: “I am interested in a wide variety of things, including new, unusual and strange”
Goodwill: “I trust others and think they are naturally kind”
Obligation: “I arrange the plates in order; I am organized, reliable and punctual.”