How does our relationship with food reflect our relationship with sex?

Having been involved in nutrition psychology for many years, Ev noticed that there is a relationship between what kind of relationship a person builds with food and with a sexual partner.

“First, it is important to understand what hunger is. It is the desire to have something. The brain gives a signal, and the person goes hunting: he can kill the beast and eat it, or he can find a partner and «use» him in different ways. In sex, as in the absorption of food, the main and most common eating strategies can be traced: anorexia, bulimia, compulsive binge eating, bigorexia, orthorexia and emotional overeating.

They are present to one degree or another in the majority of contemporaries. If we pay attention to how a potential or real partner eats, we can predict what his scenario in sex is: is it worth waiting for something from him or are you wasting your time.

Anorexia: the pleasure of giving up

In food. Anorexia is a condition in which a person refuses to eat. He does not let anything superfluous into himself and often forbids himself even the most necessary things.

The hidden key process in this deviation is control. The man seems to shut his own mouth. As a rule, anorexia is an attempt to control some area of ​​life in which there is currently no control.

Why does he control himself in food? Because it is the most accessible sphere of control.

“From a nutritional perspective, food is mother. In the life of anorectics, the mother often takes up an extremely large amount of space, she invades personal space, literally breaks into it, even if the child has grown up a long time ago. By not letting food into his body, the anorexic experiences a buzz — after all, he won. Such a sophisticated way to separate, set boundaries.

In sex. Such people refuse sex and also experience pleasure from the fact that they can control desire.

Refusing consciously from an urgent need, they seem to demonstrate: I can cope with this, I control it. Similarly, anorexia manifests itself in relationships with money: refusal to buy, from spending. When a person refuses sex, you need to look for what he cannot control in his life, but would like to.

“I had a member in the Edible Course group who was looking for the perfect partner,” recalls Ev. — She «tried» a lot of men. Fed up, she came to the conclusion that she was doing something shameful, and deprived herself of any sexual contact for six years. For a 35-year-old woman who dreams of starting a family and having a baby, this is a huge time. With such anorexic behavior, she reduced to zero the chances of finding a partner and becoming a mother.

We analyzed the group, which led it to such a decision. It was found that it was difficult for her to take steps towards an active search for a partner, she could not control this area and act. After group work, she was able to step over the anorexic strategy and make some kind of effort — go on dates, let men approach, go out to meet them herself.

Bulimia: not quality, but quantity

In food. Bulimia and anorexia are called sisters: Ana and Mia are the most famous disorders. Bulimia is an inability to get enough, uncontrolled binge eating.

Bulimics swallow food, sometimes badly or not chewing at all. And then, not having time to assimilate it, they throw it back with the help of vomiting. Sometimes it is still possible to digest food, but then they resort to laxatives.

Bulimic attacks are replaced by periods of calm, but then the person breaks down — and again swallows everything that is badly nailed down.

In sex. Bulimics absorb partners like food: without processing, they expel them. They change like gloves. They “gobble up” both the amount of sex and partners, as well as information and spending money. Such people are not obsessed with the quality of sexual contacts. They simply seek to satisfy the hunger by any means, which does not go away. For a bulimic, the partner is a modified mom.

The hidden message of such people: “I miss mother’s love. I «eat» my mother, who I once needed, but then she was not there. She could be physically with the child, but she was emotionally absent. Heat deficiency manifests itself years later in relationships with food and a partner.

“Bulimia is a symbol of the desperation we experienced as children. Personality is going through a deep crisis, a split, explains Ev Khazina. — There is a gaping hole in the chest, which can be carefully veiled in other areas of life, but the emptiness appears with real intimacy. With a bulimic attack, there is no intimacy with a partner.”

Compulsive overeating: no right to pleasure

In food. Paroxysmal overeating is somewhat similar to bulimia: the same moments of gluttony. But unlike bulimics, compulsive eaters don’t vomit food. They accept it, and then feel guilty and ashamed.

These are the same games of control, but the “relapsed person” forbids himself to experience pleasure in everything: in communication, in the elementary joys of life. They live in the feeling that they have no right to enjoy. But the brain finds compensation — through food.

These are classic «dietists» who sit on rice or cabbage for weeks, and then break down. They get their dose of euphoria, after which they are overcome by a familiar sense of guilt and shame.

“When a person goes on a diet, that is, he forbids himself something, he does not ask himself what he really needs. There is no contact with yourself, says Ev. — Often such people limit themselves in many areas, for example, they do not spend money on themselves (“We must live within our means” or “We must shrink” are their favorite phrases). They cannot go on vacation. They work hard and are constantly in a state of scarcity.”

In sex. Because diet-conscious people cannot live in a permanent deficit regime, they compensate in forbidden behavior. For example, to enter into an «unworthy» relationship and drunkenly break away in it. In sex, allow yourself what is forbidden in other areas. Here you can safely enter adultery.

A classic case: the partners have created a relationship and are, as it were, faithful to each other, without really checking their needs. They live in bondage of artificial fidelity (they are on a diet), and then break down on the side. Then they repent and again sit down on a diet of marital relations.

There is no way out of this situation until a person asks himself: “In what am I deceiving myself?” Compulsive overeating often manifests itself in dissatisfaction with your body and your partner.

“In groups, everything becomes transparent pretty quickly, no matter how carefully it is hidden. We had a couple at the training. Both have several marriages and partnerships in their backgrounds. All his previous relationships fell apart because he constantly found other women. He was on diets all the time: he struggled with the way his body looked; borrowed money and constantly spent; pulled off on the side. The new alliance was also in question.

The key to working with him was the condition to tell yourself the truth about his desires. That was hard. But it turned out that he felt deeply insignificant and wanted to compensate for this with big, albeit borrowed, money, expensive purchases, cool cars, beautiful women.

Bigorexia: you are a reflection of my beauty

In food. Bigorexics are obsessed with the appearance, the ideality of their body. For them, the whole world «collapses» into a physical form. Motto: «Everything that is in my life is my figure.» Other spheres are cut off.

To keep the picture, all means are good: grueling workouts, nutritional supplements, special food — the one that supports the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe «sculpted body». Not a single extra piece or off-target calories.

Here, too, we see a complete lack of contact with our immediate needs. A few decades ago, such a deviation was rare, now it is one of the most common types of anomalies.

Bigorexic goes to the gym and trains in front of a mirror or a video camera, and preferably with a live video broadcast to the social network. They don’t pump muscles — they pump a beautiful reflection.

In sex. The partner becomes a kind of mirror reflecting a beautiful bigorexic. For both of them, physiology is not important.

Their sex is a theater where all the roles are painted and there is a reaction of the viewer. There are two masks in the bed that think they feel something and that they are alive.

Such people often have autoimmune sexuality: they are excited by their own reflection in the mirror. A feeling partner in sex is superfluous.

Sometimes the muscles in the reflection are optional: bigorexics with an “imperfect” body can selflessly admire themselves.

Orthorexia: the road to bed through the shower

In food. These people in their relationship with the world are guided by the fear of not letting the poison into themselves. It is they who can spend long hours in the store, studying the labels on products.

They have the idea that food will destroy their body. They will read mountains of food safety books and magazines to stay healthy and live long. Often in an orthorexic family, someone poisoned themselves: with alcohol, drugs, a toxic lifestyle.

In sex. Interestingly, in a relationship with a partner, all “dancing with tambourines” will occur at the selection stage. And he will be meticulous.

These people like everything in bed to happen according to certain conditions: special eco-friendly underwear, a shower before sex (both for themselves and for a partner), scrupulously selected fragrances and lighting.

But if the «customs» is passed — orthorexics surrender to passion in full.

Emotional overeating: drowning out anxiety with a cake

In food. The emotional eater is the most common type of modernity. To one degree or another, this overeating occurs in most people.

They consume food to cope with difficult feelings — they seize something (anxiety, fear, pain, loneliness, despair). Their motto is: “I don’t have love and joy in my life — I eat sweets.”

Food is the reward for the experience. And they do experience euphoria and sedation for a while after taking a “delicious dose.”

In sex. Sex for them is a distraction, compensation for the lack in other areas. It’s not just pleasure that’s important here.

People who are used to «emotionally» eating approach the topic of sex as an attempt to have fun, switch attention, and get a vivid impression. This is relaxation, stress relief and compensation for suffering. Therefore, there is no psychological intimacy in their partnership.

“The partner of the emotional eater has a crazy burden: they have the function of a loving mother. Which means: love me unconditionally, as I need, — explains Ev Khazina. — But it is basically impossible. «Emotions» are focused mainly on themselves. A partner for them is a tool of satisfaction. It’s not worth waiting for him to care about your interests.”

Dating as a way to recognize sexual strategy

Are there proper relationships with food and sex, or are there anomalies all around?

Yes, there are harmonious unions and healthy nutrition strategies, Ev Khazina is convinced: “I am hungry — I eat. Not hungry — don’t eat. Everything else is mind games. It’s the same in sex. I need — I go and make love with a partner who shares with me emotionally, sensually and psychologically this natural need.

Why do people love to eat on a date before they go to bed? They intuitively feel that it is worth first looking and «counting» the hidden codes.

Sexuality is most easily seen in movement, dance and food. It can be seen from a person whether he is clamped or liberated, whether he is fastidious in ordering dishes or is simple and predictable, stingy or generous, how much he values ​​himself and his choice of a sexual partner. Will he carefully look for a restaurant and cuisine, or will he take you to the first eatery that comes across, smelling of burnt fat.

In the way he eats, you can unravel his passion. Tastes food — most likely, he will also savor sex. Or, eating a three-course meal, he seems to be passing a cross for speed — which means that he is not in contact with his body either at the table or in bed: you will get a technological and lightning-fast sexual intercourse, where «salad» and «compote» will be eaten at the same time and are unlikely to be chewed.

If a person looks at the menu and immediately names what he would like to order, he knows exactly what he wants in all areas: he has a direct channel to his body.

“The restaurant menu is a metaphor for life,” says Ev Khazina. — Therefore, watch the eater in front: perhaps this is not your “dish”.