How does my psychologist feel?

The desire to understand exactly how the therapist feels about us is dictated by the special emotional connection that develops between us in the course of therapy. In psychoanalysis, in this case, it is customary to speak of the phenomena of transference and countertransference. Transference: It is about our feelings towards the analyst. Countertransference – emotions that arise in the analyst in response to the patient’s experiences.

Different schools of psychotherapy have different attitudes to the extent to which a psychologist can show his feelings to clients. Psychoanalysts, for example, rarely report their experiences. Psychoanalyst Ksenia Korbut clarifies: “Own feelings serve as a diagnostic tool for the analyst, they are a sign that you need to pay attention to one or another feature of the patient’s inner life. But there are exceptions: if a psychologist believes that his self-disclosure will help therapy, he can talk about how he feels.

And Gestalt therapy involves the free exchange of emotions. “This method is based on the meeting of two personalities,” says Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. “The therapist does not hide his feelings, his openness is part of the therapeutic process: the client understands that he is in front of a living person.”

At the same time, all experts agree that the therapist, no matter what professional school he belongs to, should be benevolent. But he cannot interfere in the fate of his clients, give them instructions and guide them based on his life ideals.

“Family therapists are guided by the principle of neutrality,” adds family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. – It lies in the fact that we sympathize with the whole family, without turning into “fans”, without taking sides. This helps to avoid confrontation between its members and allows you to see the whole picture of interactions as a whole. But neutrality is not indifference. If a person is grieving, we empathize with him.”

Does my therapist love me?

At least a little is a must, because psychologists and clients choose each other of their own free will. “Of course, I have warm feelings for my patients,” Ksenia Korbut agrees. “Relationships with them are a form of emotional intimacy. There is no possessiveness in it: I am with them in order to help them learn to live independently. I rejoice when they move forward.”

There is no erotic subtext in this love. “If the therapist is tempted to enter into a personal relationship with the client, this means that the therapist himself has unresolved problems,” continues Inna Khamitova, “in which case he immediately turns to his colleagues for help. Any other relationship with the client, other than therapeutic, means that it is necessary to stop therapy. And after all to us come for such help. And we can’t betray the trust of our customers.”

The components of the love that a psychologist feels for a client are attention, understanding and a desire to help.

Is he out of sorts?

Of course, the therapist sometimes gets irritated, bored, and angry.

“Some clients are dissatisfied with their lives, their environment. And they bring this dissatisfaction to my office,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. – They can provoke aggression, say, for example: “Your shoes are worn, can’t you buy new ones for yourself?” – or come before the agreed time and insist that they be accepted. And it evokes reciprocal feelings. I notice what is happening and I try to tell the client about it so that he can hear me and at the same time not feel guilty. I assume that my client behaves this way not only with me, but with many people in his life. My job is to help him understand what he’s doing and find other ways to express himself if he wants to.”

However, even if the psychologist is angry, he does not judge or evaluate his client. “Whatever clients tell me, even if I don’t share these views in my life or would not do it myself, I accept them and treat them with respect. This is a necessary condition for the work of a therapist,” Inna Khamitova is convinced.

Can he hug me?

In psychoanalysis and analytic psychotherapy, the therapist is expected to keep a distance: they talk without touching each other. “I also belong to the school where the client is not hugged,” says Inna Khamitova. – If he feels the need for this, we will rather discuss this desire with him, what is behind it. It is possible that in our therapeutic contact he lacks emotional closeness, that the contact is incomplete. Why? That’s what we’re going to work with.”

Nifont Dolgopolov looks at the situation differently. “One of my clients is now pregnant and expecting her first child,” he explains. Pregnancy is an intense bodily process and it needs bodily support. When at the end of the session she says, “I want to hug you,” I think about it and see no contraindications. If it is useful to the client, it is acceptable for his therapy. But at the beginning of the session, I never hug, because this relieves tension, and it can be useful for work.

Is he attracted to me?

The therapist may feel tenderness and even attraction to the client or client, but the transition to action is excluded.

“Sexual relations in a pair of “therapist and client” are impossible, this is written in the psychotherapeutic code of ethics,” emphasizes Nifont Dolgopolov. – This position provides the client with complete security: he can freely express himself and any of his feelings, without fear of abuse by the therapist. In Gestalt therapy there is no prohibition on erotic feelings, the therapist may even flirt in response to the client’s flirting, but all this happens only within the therapeutic process.

If the one who asked for help behaves frankly seductive, then at first “it can sometimes even flatter,” says Ksenia Korbut. “But we are very attentive to our feelings, analyze our experiences and emotions, and understand: the patient offers us a certain model of relationships that is destructive for analysis. And then our task is to figure out why this is happening. Very often it is found that people who behave this way have grown up with adults who have treated them only as an object for their enjoyment.

Can we become friends?

Often the point is not that the psychologist does not want this, but that friendship is incompatible with psychotherapeutic work.

Nifont Dolgopolov is categorical: “Even when therapy is over, one cannot immediately move on to friendship: this sympathy can only be a remnant of attachment that arises during therapy. Another thing is if the meeting takes place after a long period of time – then, on a different basis, new relationships can develop. But to be honest, I barely have time to meet even my old friends. I see clients much more often than with them!”

Ksenia Korbut adds: “It happens that patients go to study psychoanalysis, finish the course, and one day we meet as colleagues.” Most therapists avoid meeting patients outside of their office. Therapy is a unique experience, a special connection that must remain strictly confidential. And already at the first meetings, the client and the therapist agree on how their relationship will end.

What pleases him?

“If the patient cares about how the analyst treats him, and he is sincerely interested in this, then he is able to speak openly about the feelings that arise directly during therapy, this can be a good sign!” – says Ksenia Korbut. The psychotherapist receives the greatest satisfaction from deep work and new discoveries that clients make with his help, that is, when we gain inner freedom, faith in our strengths, and therapy is completed.

“It’s nice to hear: “You helped me a lot,” but it’s even nicer when the client has the feeling that he achieved everything himself, Inna Khamitova admits. “It’s good to meet him by chance in a few years, smile at each other and understand that we have nothing to talk about. This means that the therapy was successful.” After all, its goal is for the client to gain independence and the ability to independently solve problems that arise.

Doesn’t he get bored?

Sometimes this is exactly the case. “It’s getting boring as hell! exclaims Nifont Dolgopolov. – This happens when the client avoids talking about his experiences: talks about himself in the third person, as if about an outsider, or starts talking about someone else. I even fell asleep a couple of times in the middle of a session. But this does not mean that the person is not interesting. Boring people do not exist – boring can be the way they express themselves. And if I frankly say that I’m bored, this encourages the client to return to himself, to become aware of his feelings. And energy appears, and boredom disappears without a trace.