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Every child needs the approval and attention of their parents. Adapting to their requirements is a matter of survival for him. What adaptation strategy will the child’s psyche choose in a narcissistic environment? It largely depends on the personality and genetic characteristics of the child. Psychologist Elinor Greenberg explains how narcissistic adaptation happens.
I am often asked, “What type of parenting leads to a child developing narcissistic personality disorder?” Or, “Are the children of narcissistic parents at risk of becoming narcissists themselves?” Children adapt to the requirements of family members and the rules of their home.
And sometimes the most rational way to adapt to the poisonous influence of the family is … the development of narcissistic traits. The following are some common scenarios that can contribute to this.
Scenario 1: Parents’ Narcissistic Values
The family in which the child grows up is able to appreciate only high achievements. One or both parents are demonstrative individuals. Their motto is: if you can’t be the best, why bother? Love in such a family is always conditioned by something: when a child wins, wins the Olympics, becomes the star of a school concert, he is showered with praise and attention.
In other cases, contempt and disappointment await him. Everyone in the family must be special and must prove it over and over again. No matter how much you achieve, the pressure does not decrease. It is difficult for children to enjoy something for nothing if it does not affect their status in any way.
Instead of exploring what they enjoy, they focus exclusively on what they can definitely get their parents’ support for: high achievement. Parents are not interested in the real I of the child, but in how he “works” for the status and prestige of the family. They should always have something to brag about to their neighbors: “Look what my child did!”.
Children who grow up in such homes feel protected and worthy only when they are successful and recognized as “the best.” The conditional love of parents who overemphasize status and achievement sets in motion a lifelong pattern of pursuit of success that becomes synonymous with happiness.
Example: Peter and his life on paper
Piotr, a brilliant and successful man with narcissistic personality disorder, told me that he came to therapy because he knew he had lost his way. Everything he did now doesn’t matter to him.
He says: “On paper, my biography looks great. But somewhere along the way, I lost touch with who I really am. I no longer feel genuine pleasure from my accomplishments. I enjoy what I do well, but I only do it because it impresses other people. I feel empty inside.”
Scenario 2: Devaluing Narcissistic Parent
In this scenario, there is a very domineering and devaluing parent who always puts the child down. The parent is often irritable, loses his temper easily, and has unrealistically high expectations. If there are two or more children in the family, he will praise one and devalue the others. Moreover, “good” can quickly become “bad”, and his sibling suddenly “good”.
No one feels safe in the end, and everyone spends all their resources to calm the explosive parent. The “explosive” often treats the other parent in the same way as the children, and also humiliates him and devalues him if he suddenly disagrees with something. Children who grow up in such families feel angry, humiliated and inadequate. But they may react differently to their situation.
The defeated child. Some kids just give up and admit that they are worthless. In adolescence, they can slide into depression, which is based on shame and self-hatred. Then, to protect themselves from painful shame, they may seek oblivion in impulsive, addictive behavior. Some become alcoholics and drug addicts, others spend their days on the Internet. They never realize their potential because they are convinced of its absence.
Rebellious child. These children openly rebel against messages that they are “losers.” And they often spend their lives trying to prove to themselves, the world and the devaluing parent that they are special and their parents are wrong. They succeed in every possible way. Proving that they are special becomes a lifelong mission, while they always have a harsh voice in their souls, criticizing their every mistake.
Evil child. He grows up with a sense of rage at the devaluing parent. Anyone who in any way reminds him of a parent becomes the target of his wrath. Sometimes he himself becomes a toxic and evil narcissist. It is not enough for him to achieve something, he must destroy.
Example: “Pretty Woman”
In this film, Richard Gere plays a wealthy businessman who buys and destroys companies. He likes to destroy the result of the life of the former owners of these companies, because they all symbolically replace his hated father. The film turns into a Cinderella story after he hires a prostitute (Julia Roberts) with whom he eventually falls in love.
Even his choice of love object is typical of a narcissist. I have met many wealthy narcissistic men who are only able to show love to women they “rescue” who are far below them in status and therefore safe for their self-esteem.
Scenario 3: The Golden Child
These parents tend to be closeted narcissists and feel uncomfortable in the spotlight. Instead, they show off their capable child. Often the child is really talented and deserves praise, but parents bring admiration to worship. Such excessive idealization can lead to the development of narcissistic traits in the child.
Consequences of conditional and unconditional love
Everyone wants to be loved unconditionally, but at the same time perceived realistically. If children feel that their parents value them just because they are special, this can lead to feelings of insecurity. Nobody wins all the time. Nobody is better than others in every way.
Awareness of shortcomings and shame
Children idealized by their parents may begin to believe that they are worthy of love only when they are perfect. They are ashamed when they see some shortcomings in themselves. And they do their best to prove that they are flawless and deserve to be idealized.
Delayed development of the real self
In this process, children may lose contact with their real selves, with their real wants and needs, likes and dislikes. Instead of exploring who they really are and what their true interests and talents are, they may go completely astray and waste time only on what they are already good at and what they think will surely win parental approval.
Sometimes these children still resist the role of the “golden child” and do not become narcissists. They ignore excessive praise and refuse to play the role of genius imposed by the family. One mother told me: “My son is the hope of the family, he will glorify our family, our surname.” Her son told me, “I just want to get off this endless treadmill and live my own life without living up to my parents’ crazy expectations.”
Scenario 4: Fan of the “exhibitionist”
Some children grow up in families where the narcissistic parent rewards them with praise and attention only as long as they admire him and remain subservient to him. These children are not encouraged to expose themselves to the public. Their role in the family is to worship the greatness of their narcissistic parent, never trying to equal or surpass his achievements.
This strategy is a great way to create covert or covert narcissists. Children get used to “buying” attention and praise for not openly competing with the narcissistic parent. They know they will be devalued if they try to gain recognition as individuals.
In adulthood, these children feel too vulnerable to be comfortable in the spotlight, so their narcissism and self-esteem issues are less obvious to those who don’t know them well. But some adapt well to this role at work, where they find a new object of admiration for themselves – a narcissistic “exhibitionist” supervisor.
Example: Mary and the “great man”
Maria was the personal assistant to the CEO of her company. She admired him and was happy to serve him. She felt special by being with him.
She treasured every little compliment she received from him over the years and treasured every holiday card he gave her. Maria did not marry because she was too focused on her work. Every man she met seemed to her not good enough compared to her boss.
For those who know what to look for, it is easy to see how a certain home environment contributes to the development of narcissistic traits in a child. Sometimes turning into a narcissist becomes the only possible and reasonable solution for him.
About the Expert: Eleanor Greenberg is a psychologist and Gestalt Therapy Trainer who specializes in training psychotherapists in diagnosing and treating borderline, narcissistic and schizoid adjustments. Author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Security. (“Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety”, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 2016).