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The road to the most harmful behavior is sometimes paved with good intentions. Especially often this truth is illustrated by the relationship of children and parents. After all, toxic behavior does not always look like violence, sometimes it disguises itself as caring. How do we know that we may be hurting the people we love the most?
Although not all psychologists recognize the term “toxic”, it is not difficult to recognize such behavior in parent-child relationships. A toxic parent most often does not support, devalues the child, manipulates him, which affects the child’s psyche and development.
However, even without being toxic people in general, you can sometimes harm children with your behavior – for example, if …
1. You scream a lot
Of course, the vast majority of parents raise their voices against their offspring from time to time. The question is how often this happens and whether it has become a habit. “There’s a big difference between ‘making a mistake’ and apologizing for it, and ‘consistently harming a child with your behavior’ thinking you’re maintaining discipline,” says social psychologist Peg Streep, author of The Unloved Daughter.
In some situations, screaming is even justified: for example, when the child is in danger and you need to quickly get his attention. But in other cases, it is a completely ineffective way to change children’s behavior, and numerous studies confirm this. What’s more, yelling affects a child’s self-esteem and can lead to more aggressive behavior.
But how do you know if you’re shouting “too much” or “on business”? Peg Streep believes that a warning sign is if you often try to justify your behavior by explaining it to yourself, for example, like this: “If I had not yelled (a), he (a) would not have listened to me.” The next time you feel an overwhelming urge to yell at your child, try to release your tension in an environmentally friendly way to the outside (but not to him) and calm down.
2. You compare children to each other
If you have multiple children, chances are you’ve been surprised by how different they are. Moreover, these differences – including in behavior and development – are manifested from a very early age. Do it normally and naturally, the main thing is not out loud.
“Do not use comparison as a tool to motivate or maintain discipline,” the author insists. This can lead to quite tangible consequences: for example, the results of one study suggest that a child’s academic performance depends on how a parent evaluates him in comparison with other brothers and sisters.
3. You label
And any – both positive and negative. The fact is that labels often turn into self-fulfilling prophecies, and it is very difficult to get rid of them.
“Telling a child that they are smart or athletic, we let him know that he copes with some tasks solely due to his natural abilities,” says Amy McCready, a parent education specialist. “The next time the child fails this or that exam, he will quite naturally begin to doubt his abilities.”
Instead, when praising the child, try to focus on his actions – for example, that he did a great job preparing homework, or helping his brother or sister.
4. You prevent children from expressing their emotions.
One of the main tasks of parents is to teach the child to recognize and name his feelings. Alas, in many families there is an unspoken ban on the expression of certain (or all) emotions, especially for “insignificant” reasons: “stop crying, you’re not small”, “what are you crying like a girl”, “this is not from “Why are you so upset?”
Try to remember yourself and explain to the child that feelings are not divided into “bad” and “good”. All of them are important, and one must learn to express them without harming oneself and others. It is better to show how to do this by personal example.
Frustrated because you forgot one of your grocery bags at the grocery store? So tell the child. Describe how you feel, and then demonstrate how you deal with helplessness or anger: “I’ll take a few deep breaths to calm down, and think about how to proceed.”
5. You say “you always/never” or “don’t piss me off”
Annoyance is clearly heard behind such phrases: the child’s behavior has clearly become a problem for you. Even so, remember what usually precedes it – most likely, an undesirable reaction can be prevented at the previous stage. And be sure to clearly articulate your expectations and set boundaries.
Instead of “You never do your homework on time!” say, “I expect you to finish your lessons today by such and such a time.” And then be sure to praise for the completed task. Saying that the child “brings you out of yourself,” you shift the responsibility for your emotions and condition to him. It’s time to take that responsibility back.