Whatever you do, you are always to blame for everything. One of the parents always took out anger on you, and then this role passed to the partner. You probably got the role of “scapegoat”. Why did this happen and how to get rid of it? Psychologist Shari Stines explains.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and recognition of the value of the other person. If this is not the case, the environment in the couple or family becomes toxic. Often a situation arises in which one of the partners (family members) takes the role of a scapegoat. This role can drag on for him all his life, moving from one relationship to another. Why is this happening?
What does it mean to be a “scapegoat”?
Most often, the model of victim (sacrificial) behavior is laid down in the family. A child in a problem family plays the role of a lightning rod: the aggression of one or more parents or other relatives splashes out on him, the idea is imposed on him that he is to blame for all the troubles, that he is the main misfortune and shame in the family.
“Having a ‘problem child’ serves a function in helping couples get away from their own problems,” explains psychologist Shari Stines. – For parents, such a “translation of arrows” is also a reason to unite, to maintain the illusion of harmony. An overprotective mother or grandmother may thus fulfill her need for control.”
Its signs
He accepts all the accusations against him and the labels that the abuser hangs on him (“I am a nonentity”, “I interfere with everyone”, “I constantly get in the way”, “if not for me, everyone would have an easier life”).
He serves as a punching bag to vent other people’s anger, behaves passively, does not show initiative and does not try to defend his opinion.
He has unstable self-esteem, he often has to doubt his worth. He fears loneliness and rejection.
People who make others scapegoats also have similarities. They are characterized by a sense of their own superiority, an inflated ego and a sense of their own importance, a limited ability to self-reflection, complacency and hypocrisy. This list is far from exhaustive.
What to do if you recognize yourself?
As with other problems, the first step to liberation is awareness. If you have found the described symptoms in yourself, be honest with yourself, no matter how difficult it may be for you. Determine what keeps you in this role. Perhaps you are afraid of being alone. Or not accustomed to think or decide on their own. Or you find it difficult to part with the abuser because you are financially dependent on him.
In any case, the situation points to deeper personal problems. Unwind the ball, find them – and you will feel better. Remember, you can’t scapegoat yourself as long as you’re walking away from responsibility and being immature in the relationship.
Here are some specific steps to help you get out of a burdensome role:
- Consciously and consistently get rid of manifestations of sacrificial behavior in relationships. Do not let others blame you, treat you arrogantly, devalue you.
- Take life into your own hands. In what areas do you continue to rely on your tormentor? Focus your energy on achieving independence.
- Conduct yourself with dignity, be honest.
- Do not take responsibility for other people’s actions, moods and feelings.
- Love yourself, be indulgent to your weaknesses – who doesn’t have them?
- Learn to determine your own worth, and not turn to others for evaluation.
- Avoid people who don’t respect you.
- Ignore negative “noise” (insults, mockery, doubts) that sounds in the background in your head or comes from others.
- Avoid bilious, snarky people.
- Do not tell outsiders the details of your personal life, save frank confessions for friends.
- In general, think positively, look for the good side in everything.
Most importantly, learn to build a relationship with yourself. Make an effort so that your thoughts, feelings and sensations gain weight and become valuable to you. There will always be a chance that someone will try to provoke or take advantage of you. Your weapon against such people is self-respect and resilience.
About the Expert: Shari Stines is a psychologist specializing in personality disorders, trauma recovery, and addictions.