Friendships and romantic relationships have a lot in common, so it’s sometimes easy to confuse one for the other. Where is the line between friendship and love? Should you remain best friends, or take a step towards something more? How can we figure out what we really feel? Answers from psychologist Teresa Didonato.
They say the secret to a perfect marriage is that a husband and wife should be best friends first and foremost. This makes sense: family psychologists have repeatedly confirmed that if partners perceive each other as friends, their relationship lasts much longer.
But what if the feelings we have for the man we love are purely platonic? What if we see in him the best friend, a reliable support, but these experiences have nothing to do with romantic feelings and sexual attraction? There are several factors that we more often associate with romantic relationships, although they are important in friendships as well.
What do friendship and love have in common?
1. Attraction. Attraction to another may not necessarily be sexual or romantic. Best friends tend to attract each other. And people who have been friends for many years, apart, can experience the same feelings as lovers.
2. Proximity. When we open up to someone, share our dreams, thoughts, goals and plans, then this person naturally becomes much closer to others. Well, if we get the same frankness in return, then there is a strong bond based on trust and understanding. And this is possible between friends and between lovers.
3. Respect. Healthy romantic relationships are built on mutual respect, and the same can be said for friendships. But it cannot be argued that if you admire a loved one, then you feel for him something other than friendly feelings. Friends who you can admire and rejoice in their successes will only make you better, inspiring you to new achievements, and their reciprocal respect will not let you give up even in the most difficult situations.
4. Support. Providing mutual support is the main task in both friendships and romantic relationships. It helps us flourish, develop, change and endure everything that happens to us.
5. Pleasure. Enjoying each other’s company and having fun together, laughing at the same jokes and waiting for a new meeting — this still does not mean that you are having an affair. But this is definitely a sure sign that you are very, very good friends.
How is love different from friendship?
The first and main difference is sex. But even here the boundaries are somewhat blurred today — we must not forget about the existence of «sex for friendship.» However, there are other aspects of relationships that distinguish lovers from close friends.
1. General goals. Only romantic couples are engaged in planning a joint future. And although friends may completely coincide in their views on religion, politics and lifestyle, their life goals do not tend to a common denominator.
2. Time and attention. In romantic relationships, partners devote all their free time and attention to each other, which can never be found even in the strongest friendship. The two choose to focus on each other, and the attention they receive from the other makes them feel comfortable. Conversely, if one of the two no longer wants to spend energy on a partner, this may mean the near end of the relationship.
3. Interdependence. Social psychologist Caryl Rasbalt argues that the determining factor in a romantic relationship can be considered the degree of interdependence of partners. Yes, friends depend on each other, but the lives of lovers are tightly intertwined. While in a relationship, the two rely more and more on each other and eventually replace «I» and «you» with «we».
Commitments are often forgotten, and it depends on whether the relationship remains friendly or turns into a romantic one.
4. Positive illusions. In a healthy relationship, partners are fascinated by each other. They have high expectations and ideas about a loved one, which often do not coincide with reality. But psychologists Sandra Murray, John Holmes and Dale Griffin believe that this is absolutely normal. It is these rosy dreams that distinguish love from more realistic friendship.
5. Influence. Of course, friends influence decision-making, goals and plans, preferences and prospects, but a loved one here has more power. We tend to make our partners part of our sense of self, to perceive ourselves through the prism of our loved one. With friends, this is not possible.
6. Obligations. They are often forgotten, and according to Caryl Rasbalt, it depends on this whether the relationship remains friendly or turns into a romantic one. The very decision to start a romantic relationship portends stability and reflects a conscious choice in favor of working towards creating a couple.
“Deciding on the future of a relationship is a serious step that requires weighing all the pros and cons, opportunities, benefits and investments that have already been made,” says Caryl Rasbalt. And while most friends can make good partners, it’s the decision and willingness to dedicate one’s life to one that determines the success of a romantic union.