How do you keep yourself out of conflict?

Keep calm

One of the characteristic features of those who like to dominate is the ability to piss off the interlocutor. So you are transferred to a weak position, which allows the “aggressor” to control the situation and realize their interests. If the interlocutor still touched you to the quick and you immediately want to answer him in the same way, try to mentally count to ten and take a deep breath. “This temporary timeout will help you find a reserve for a more mature response to your counterpart’s attacks,” recommends psychologist Preston Ni (Preston Ni). If you are still unable to find inner balance, try to avoid communication and return to the conversation when you feel ready. You can openly say about it: “Let me think first – let’s talk later”¹. The better you begin to control yourself, and therefore, objectively and critically assess what is happening, the more likely you will not allow yourself to be drawn into a conflict.

Pass the tests

• How do you deal with conflicts?

Look at the situation through the eyes of the interlocutor

Never take your opponent’s words literally. When expressing an opinion about another person, we often look through the prism of our own reality. Thus, the judgments of your counterpart are only a reflection of his subjective feelings, views and state, which has nothing to do with you. “One way to step back from an uncomfortable situation is to imagine yourself in the place of the interlocutor,” continues Preston Nee. – Begin an imaginary journey into the world of another person with the phrase “It must not be easy …”. “The boss speaks harshly and disrespectfully. It must have been difficult for him to live in an environment where he was not accepted and he had to constantly defend himself … “. “The partner is trying to control everything – it was not easy for him to grow up in a family where they constantly indicated how he should act and what he should feel.” Of course, this does not excuse unacceptable behavior, but such a depersonalization technique will help you more easily accept the fact that criticism of you speaks eloquently about the criticizer, and not about you at all. If a person is really close and dear to you, you can resolve the conflict by talking to him about it.

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Help the other person understand you

Sometimes people are just trying to express their position, but do not have communication skills. They do not intend to offend you at all, they just lack delicacy and have low empathy abilities. “Offer constructive feedback and they will understand the effect their words have,” suggests Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. – Talk about your feelings, not critical conclusions, ask, not assert, and always speak in the first person. It is good in such situations to use a softening conditional mood: “maybe”, “probably”. Instead of “That’s complete nonsense” – “I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I can not understand you.” Instead of “How can you do this” – “I’m worried that our positions are very different.” Instead of “It’s useless for you to explain something” – “Let’s think about what we can do to clarify the situation and find a joint solution.” Don’t sharply accuse the other side of being insensitive, try asking an empathy question: “I wonder how you would feel if you were in my place if you heard these words?”

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Remember your rights

Yes, yes, fundamental human rights, including the right to freedom of opinion and respect for your decisions. You have the right to express your feelings and desires. You also have the right to say “no” to people (although sometimes it is very difficult and many of us have to learn this). You can disagree and, of course, you have every right to defend yourself against any attempt at emotional abuse. Our task is to never forget that it is we who are responsible for our lives and well-being and that we cannot give anyone the right to dispose of it.

Focus on the attacker

A favorite tactic of the emotional bully is to make fun of you in front of the public or do anything to make you look bad. “By all means, such people are trying to show that what you are doing is wrong and inefficient,” says Preston Nee. “In other words, they focus on finding other people’s mistakes instead of trying to solve the problem together. This type of communication is convenient for manipulation – the interlocutor emphasizes his own importance and competence at your expense. An effective defense is to point out the attacker’s weaknesses by asking simple but constructive questions. For example: “What you offer is completely inappropriate, however, what else could be expected from you?” Your answer: “What alternatives do you see and are you aware of the possible consequences?” Forward: “What do you even understand ?!” Here it is worth calmly but firmly answering: “If you continue to talk to me in this tone, we will not be able to communicate. Is that what you want?” Your questions should always be to the point. This, in turn, will help neutralize the negative influence that the interlocutor has on you. If it is not so important for you to solve the issue and the main task is to evade the brewing conflict, just move the conversation to another topic. A new conversation topic that you have proposed lifts you into a stronger and more confident position.

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Keep your distance

Think about whether aggressive or trying to impose their views on you people deserve your communication? Appreciate your time and inner peace and leave a negative person in the field of close communication only if he is really important and dear. If this is not the case, keep your distance or try to minimize contact with him as much as possible. At the same time, there are situations when it seems to us: we are literally chained to these relationships and there is no way out of them. This feeling is only intensified by the fact that communication with an aggressor person de-energizes us psychologically. Talk about it with close friends, people you trust, or seek professional help. After all, this is just an illusory trap that you fell into thanks to skillful manipulations.

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Treat with a sense of humor

Humor is the strongest weapon, which sometimes disarms the attacker, showing him that it is difficult to offend you. “For many years I had a rather selfish and arrogant acquaintance who was not used to listening to the opinions of other people,” says Preston Nee. “Our mutual colleague asked him a simple question: “How are you?” and received no response. The colleague was not embarrassed, he just smiled and after a pause asked: “So good? ..” This melted the ice and helped start a conversation. However, it is worth remembering that there are people who love to dominate so much that it is important for them to win at any cost. “They are obsessed with war or struggle,” says Lev Khegay. – In this case, withdrawal, avoidance or “understanding and forgiveness” through attempts to look at the situation differently, as well as humor, are unlikely to help. You need to withstand the pressure, show inflexibility in defending yourself and your position, show that you are stronger. And only then is there a chance to earn the respect of the enemy.

At the same time, the main defense against aggressive people is self-confidence and freedom from internal conflict. “There are no enemies or problems outside of ourselves,” notes Lev Khegay. “There is only a stream of life experience that offers a variety of lessons.” If we know how to learn from life, then even the people who attack us are accepted with gratitude. After all, they can teach us a lot.

¹ Author of the bestselling book How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, read more nipreston.com