Today, society is no longer homogeneous. Increasingly, we meet with those who think differently than we do, believe in something different, speak and even dress differently. How should we treat this?
“I have the impression that all my friends suddenly started to quarrel,” says 25-year-old Svetlana. – From ways of earning to political views, any topic becomes acute. This makes me uneasy, I try to remain neutral, but I already understand that I cannot reconcile everyone. And it’s a pity to lose friends. Many feel the same way today.
If earlier, in Soviet times, it could still seem that the majority adheres to one point of view, today the differences in opinions are obvious. “A Tatar family rents an apartment next to me,” says Varvara, a 60-year-old housewife, “at first I was against it, I even went to the house management, but now I’m used to it: they are quiet, they only speak with an accent.”
Neighborhood is not always so peaceful. “My acquaintances often talk about “come in large numbers” and scold them,” admits 32-year-old unemployed Nikolai. “Out-of-town people don’t bother me, but I don’t want to argue.” In addition to non-residents, there have been foreigners, heterodoxes, dissidents in our history … One way or another, the question of how to treat others than us – in terms of views, faith or ethnicity – is still, if not acute, then distinct.
When we encounter something that is foreign to us, we can react in one of two ways: fear or curiosity.
The situation in Russia can be called unique: over the past decades, the system of values has changed several times in society. But similar processes are taking place in the world. No wonder the results of the US elections surprised many. “We are experiencing extreme polarization,” says sexologist and family therapist Esther Perel. She reflects on the importance of creating a space for safe dialogue: “The breakup of relationships, when people can no longer communicate with each other, is at the center of my work. I help them listen to each other, acknowledge that their experiences deserve respect, and communicate “above the barriers.” Today the world needs us to re-discuss what is happening in it.”
To make such a conversation possible, we have to understand how we ourselves feel about the differences between ourselves and other people and how capable we are of overcoming them.
Two ways to meet another
“Other” can be a partner, relative, colleague, neighbor or compatriot. When we encounter something that is foreign to us, we can react in one of two ways: fear or curiosity.
“Depending on whether you feel threatened or safe, your body will either tense up or relax,” Esther Perel explains. Tension is indicative of the fight-or-flight response. Even if we force ourselves to stay and talk, we are unlikely to be able to have a productive dialogue. The relaxation reaction, on the contrary, makes it possible to learn something new, to be interested in another person, to hear and understand him, and also to calmly express his opinion.
Why do we perceive others as a threat? “Fear is the result of insecurity,” family psychologist Inna Shifanova is convinced. – Almost every day we learn about military operations in different places, and the situation of the crisis calls into question our social security. We accumulate anxiety in ourselves because we can’t react to it: we can’t argue with the TV, bosses, society. And we can’t run away from them either. But when we encounter in our real environment with someone whose views and habits do not coincide with ours, then we project the accumulated tension onto this person or the entire group. And, accordingly, either we attack (with the help of words), or we run away in the literal and figurative sense.
“If we set ourselves the task of responding more consciously and developing our curiosity, then there are two ways to do this,” continues Inna Shifanova, “the first is to try to learn as much as possible about the other, the second is to learn as much as possible about ourselves.”
Four questions for you
To learn more about the other, we need a reason: we cannot know in advance about all cultures and views. But what we can definitely do right now is explore our own relationship to otherness. And if you want to develop a more voluminous approach to other cultures, races, religions.
Esther Perel suggests starting with four questions we can ask ourselves:
- What messages have you received in your family regarding the “other”? Were you encouraged to learn more about them? Or have you been taught not to trust them or to ignore them?
- Did you grow up in an environment that was racially, ethnically, economically and religiously homogeneous? Or did you grow up in a mixed environment, in your opinion?
- What do you first notice in others today – their similarity with you or their difference from you?
- What was your experience when you were in the minority compared to when you were in the majority?
Accumulate experience
To feel more confident, we also need to know that many differences, even fundamental ones, are not at all insurmountable. And the example of other people can convince us of this.
Esther Perel talks about her experience this way: “Many people know me from my work in the field of sexuality. But for my first 24 years in psychology, I studied cross-culturalism, mostly racial relationships, ethnic tensions, marriages between people of different cultures and religions, immigration, and settling into a new culture.
I have worked with groups and couples for decades to help overcome conflicts and disputes. In Montreal, I worked with teachers and public school students to resolve tensions between Haitian and Quebec students. In Belgium, I held workshops on Jewish identity that brought ultra-Orthodox and secular Jews together. In the US, I worked for ten years with rabbis, teachers, philanthropists, and families to help the Jewish community accept interfaith families.”
Sometimes the help of a professional intermediary is required to establish a dialogue. But sometimes we can do things ourselves. Well-being specialist Elizabeth Lesser suggests an extremely simple way – invite someone with whom you have disagreements to breakfast and ask him three questions:
- Could you share some of your life experiences with me?
- What topics are of deep concern to you?
- What have you always wanted to ask a person from the opposite camp?
“After that,” says Elizabeth Lesser, “your job is to listen.” Perhaps it is this experience of patient and peaceful attention to the other that we need most now.