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A slap on the butt, a ban on computer games, confiscation of a game-boy… How do you personally punish your child? A study conducted by the Zircon sociological group showed that two-thirds of the country’s residents, to one degree or another, support the right of parents to hit a child “for being rude towards themselves”, almost 60% – “to force themselves to obey”, 42% are sure that “not using physical punishment can spoil a child.” We asked a psychologist to comment on the situation.
As part of the educational project “House Under the Umbrella” of the National Institute for Child Welfare, the Zircon sociological group polled 1600 Russians to find out whether parents consider physical punishment of children acceptable.
It was unexpected that 47% of respondents indicated emotional impact as an unacceptable form of punishment, and 30% of respondents consider slapping and slapping a more “harmless” form of “bringing a child to life” than screaming, scolding or other forms of emotional impact. According to most, this is not considered “child abuse”.
Psychologies: What do these survey numbers say?
Ekaterina Zhornyak: They once again confirm the fact that the society in which we live is extremely contradictory. Let me explain: in a traditional society (as opposed to post-industrial, that is, modern), laws are passed on from generation to generation, changes occur slowly, social norms have the status of truth (they are not questioned), which greatly facilitates the solution of issues of individual morality and the choice of the “right” ( approved by society) strategy of behavior.
In the modern world, everything is different: we do not have unambiguous truths, but there is a pluralism of opinions and numerous options for how to live “correctly”. This also applies to the parenting sphere: parents are not given unambiguous instructions, but are offered to choose their own path and independently achieve the final result – to make children happy. When this does not happen (the child does not turn into an absolutely happy being with the only allowed emotion – unconditional joy), parents feel guilty. Both ideas – “a person must be happy” and “happiness is determined by childhood, depends on parents” – belong to the twentieth century.
How do modern parents cope with this situation?
They usually turn to specialists. However, experts live in the same society and therefore the exact answer to the question of how to fulfill absolutely all the requirements of society (raise a child who thinks independently and obediently; be his friend and educator; love unconditionally, but punish; be emotionally close to him, but not make him emotionally dependent; remember that you are fully responsible for him, but instill in him a sense of responsibility for himself), they cannot give. Often they simply become supporters of one of the many theories and offer it to those with whom they work.
However, there is another option: to help parents look at the diverse social expectations in a detached way, to choose which ones they are ready to meet and which they are not. It is also important to reconsider one’s attitude to the feeling of guilt, which, alas, is inevitable, because it comes from the inconsistency of social attitudes. If we do not let it take over us and deprive us of the main thing – a creative approach to raising children, then it will be much easier for us to find constructive and sometimes completely unexpected solutions.
Why is corporal punishment so popular?
In our society, physical aggression and violence are the norm, often we do not even notice them, we perceive them as something natural. So, novice drivers are surprised by aggressive behavior on the roads, and a year later they themselves demonstrate exactly the same aggression. Parents are embarrassed if a child cries in the street, but do not hesitate to publicly shout at him or spank him. And some famous people say that a child needs to be physically punished in order to raise a successful person.
What are the dangers of physical punishment?
They are humiliating: for example, a slap in the face is perceived as a humiliation in all world cultures. In addition, by systematically receiving even an “innocent” slap on the bottom, the child comes to the conclusion that it is normal to hit people. He becomes aggressive (or depressed) and his relationship with his parents deteriorates. It is important that adults explain to the child what behavior is unacceptable for them and what consequences he will face if he violates their prohibition. If parents are calm, consistent and predictable, children perceive punishment as unpleasant, but fair. Their self-esteem does not suffer, and relations with their parents do not deteriorate.
Why do most parents almost constantly feel guilty?
Australian psychotherapists David Epston and Michael White suggest filling out a humorous questionnaire consisting of paired questions. “Have you felt guilty about breastfeeding your baby for too long?”, “And because you stopped doing it too soon?”; “Because you went to work right after having kids?”, “Because you stayed at home too long?”; “Because you are too emotionally close to your child?” “Because you are far from him?” Answering these questions, one can see very clearly the situation in which we live: the prescriptions of society are so contradictory that it is simply impossible for parents not to be guilty.
Used penalties
- Instructed, persuaded, taught: 53% (very often), 29% (sometimes), 6% (never)
- Scolded, scolded loudly, shamed, shouted: 8% (very often), 33% (sometimes), 23% (never)
- Forbidden to watch TV, video, use a computer: 4% (very often), 19% (sometimes), 51% (never)
- Cornered: 3% (very often), 16% (sometimes), 54% (never)
- Forbidden to walk: 15% (sometimes), 27% (very rarely), 56% (never)
- Deprived of sweets: 6% (sometimes), 14% (very rarely), 77% (never)
- Forbidden to meet with friends: 10% (sometimes), 27% (very rarely), 65% (never)
- Denied pocket money: 8% (sometimes), 17% (very rarely), 69% (never)
- Gave slaps, cuffs: 12% (sometimes), 30% (very rarely), 55% (never)
- Punished with a belt: 5% (sometimes), 17% (very rarely), 76% (never)
How do you explain the sense of relief some parents experience when they punish a child?
From childhood, each of us knows: parents must educate. Punished, shouted, read the notation? It means that they did something necessary, they implemented the parent function. Although, of course, few of us feel relief, most of us feel guilty at the same time. And all for the same reason: on the one hand, we must ensure obedience, inevitably forcing the child, and on the other hand, to do it humanistically, that is, by negotiating with the child and perceiving him as a person.
However, it is not clear how to implement this in practice. “I don’t let him misbehave – I act like a responsible parent and feel relieved.” “I force him to do it on time and I doubt, what if he grows up as a non-initiative, unsuccessful person?” – there is a feeling of guilt.
Are women more likely to experience guilt and men more relief after punishing a child?
Family relationships in Russia have been regulated by fear for centuries. It was supported by violence, as well as the idea of the authority of the father and husband, who cultivated this fear in women and children, protecting them from wrong actions and instilling patience and obedience. Therefore, when a man punished (that is, he did what he was supposed to), he felt relieved. The feeling of guilt that most women feel when punishing is also associated with the influence of social ideas: today, many believe that the relationship between a mother and a child largely depends on what kind of person he grows up, whether he will be happy.
But there are those among parents who feel neither guilt nor relief. Perhaps these people have learned not to automatically respond to social expectations and perceive themselves as competent parents. Before the birth of children, we live a normal life, we learn, we make mistakes, we learn again, something is good for us, something is bad. However, when a child appears in the family, we turn (we believe that we must turn) into ideal people – almost celestials. Maybe those parents who feel neither guilt nor relief really allowed themselves to not be perfect? If as a result they feel calmer and happier, then their children will only benefit from this.
Attitudes about parenting
- It is not words that bring up a child, but actions: 70% (strongly agree), 25% (partially agree), 3% (strongly disagree)
- Parents should act in the best interests of the child, even if these actions cause him dissatisfaction: 55% (strongly agree), 33% (partially agree), 8% (strongly disagree)
- If children behave well, parents should encourage them: 52% (strongly agree), 33% (partially agree), 12% (strongly disagree)
- Anyone who beats a defenseless child should be prepared that when he gets old, they will also raise a hand against him: 52% (strongly agree), 25% (partially agree), 19% (strongly disagree)
- A boy will not grow up to be a real man if he cannot stand up for himself in a fight: 47% (strongly agree), 36% (partially agree), 14% (strongly disagree)
- Parents have the right to spank their child if they are rude to them: 24% (strongly agree), 43% (partially agree), 29% (strongly disagree)
- Sometimes you need to spank a child to make him obey his parents: 20% (strongly agree), 39% (partially agree), 37% (strongly disagree)
- Spare the rod and spoil the child: 17% (strongly agree), 25% (partially agree), 49% (strongly disagree)
“Respect his feelings!”
“Go away, I’m not talking to you,” some parents say to the child, believing that it is better to resolve the conflict in this way, “without punishing” him. Ignoring children is one of the harshest ways to influence them. Few of us consider verbal boycott emotional abuse. But this behavior of parents is exactly what they are. The punishment of rejection truly frightens the child: he feels the emphasized refusal of attention as a deprivation of the most important thing for him – parental love. Not getting enough attention from mom and dad, the child loses interest in his own life. Perhaps that is why many children would prefer to be “punished with a belt” – so as not to be ignored.
Emotional abuse is not only attention deprivation. These are threats, and public ridicule or exposure of the child if, for example, he deceived, intimidation, blackmail, that is, different types of manipulation that parents resort to. When adults say to a child, clutching at his heart: “You will drive me into a coffin with your studies!”, they are actually emotionally blackmailing him.
Emotional abuse is very dangerous. Unlike the physical, it does not leave bruises, but damages the mental health of the child, inhibits its development. Such adult behavior always humiliates the dignity of the child (no matter how old he is), undermines his trust in the world, reduces self-esteem, gives rise to fear, anxiety, and a feeling of loneliness.
The danger is also that the algorithm of family interaction is so imperceptibly formed, which can be passed on from generation to generation. A child who suffered emotional abuse as a child will later repeat it to their own children. In addition, emotional abuse often returns to the source like a boomerang. Thus, the neglect that a father showed towards his son may later return to him from his own child.
About the expert: Ekaterina Zhornyak is a family psychotherapist, narrative consultant.
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