They hurt us to the core, targeting where we are especially vulnerable. We hear them at home, from friends, at work, and even at the doctor’s office. Psychologist Elena Shuvarikova “deciphered” the ambiguous phrases that sound most often so that we understand their true meaning and master the basic techniques of psychological self-defense.
Partner
“You only think about yourself. And what about me?”
The partner reproaches, appeals to our conscience, forcing us to doubt (“maybe I am an ungrateful, bad person”), reminds us of our fears: we feel like a child who upsets our parents. “Think only of me, attend to my desires, my expectations…” – this is what these words actually call us to.
Psychological self-defense: do not list evidence of your love for your partner and emphasize indifference to your own person. So that everyone can maintain their self-respect and remain an adult, ask your partner to clearly articulate their concerns: “What kind of caring do you lack? What do you want me to do for you?” Each question should be followed by a clear answer. The guessing game clouds the relationship. The communication of loving people is based on openness, the opportunity to express their wishes aloud and be heard.
Doctor
“What do you want with your lifestyle…”
Referring to our age, diagnosis or lifestyle, the doctor relieves himself of some of the professional responsibility and hints that we want “too much.” When we are convicted of “excessive demands” by a specialist who has power over our health, we feel guilty, almost ashamed, we are lost, and this strengthens his influence.
Psychological self-defense: do not hesitate, prepare for a visit to the doctor in advance, feel like an adult who has come to be treated. Say, “I don’t like your tone of voice. I’m here to get advice on how to deal with my problem, not to be educated.” Such an attitude should prevent the doctor from seizing power over you. Be clear about your needs: “I want to know my exact diagnosis” or “I need a referral for an examination.”
Friend
“I understand that you don’t have much time, but I need your help”
This phrase calls for the principle of mutual assistance. Guilt arises from the fear of violating it. The word “understand” enhances the effect – if a friend has already taken into account our circumstances, it is more difficult for us to refuse him, referring to our worries.
Psychological self-defense: take a break, delay the answer. No matter how little time you have, there is a minute to think. Manipulation – even unconscious – works especially well in a hurry. The delay allows you to give a truly positive or negative answer, in other words, a thoughtful answer.
Ребенок
“I have bad grades because you don’t help me do my homework!”
In fact, the child seems to say: “You are a bad parent, you neglect your duties.” Children are masters of manipulation, they are manipulated from birth, and they themselves also know where to hit. It is difficult for parents (especially mothers) to avoid feeling guilty when they are reproached for not paying enough attention to the child.
Psychological self-defense: recognize that even if you spent 24 hours a day with your child, you could not do everything for him. The deuce evaluates his knowledge, not your parenting skills. Ask your child two questions: about homework and about his needs. “Do you agree that we check it together when I get home?” and “What exactly do you need my help with and what kind?” It is important that the child feels that you have understood and taken into account his emotional needs, and he can count on your help.
Parent
“I know how busy you are. Of course, you are not up to me, there are more important things … “
We are put in the position of an ungrateful, that is, a bad child. This role is even more unpleasant if the parent reminds us of all the sacrifices that he had to make to provide us with a sweet life. The cruelty of the reproach is enhanced by the fact that the beginning of the sentence is full of sympathy and sensitivity, and at the end we are in for an unpleasant turn. The purpose of such a phrase is to hurt, not improve the relationship.
Psychological self-defense: Don’t make excuses, don’t blame, and don’t make promises until the wishes are made clear. Ask: “How would you like to spend time with me?” This will help the mother or father formulate specific suggestions. Then you will think about them and decide which ones to accept and which not.
Подросток
“You never trust me!”
Overgeneralizing using the words “always” and “never” casts doubt on the relationship as a whole. This is the reason for the pain and feelings of injustice that arise in parents from such reproaches. The accusation is sometimes reinforced by the comparison: “But my friend’s parents…”
Psychological self-defense: do not forget that in front of you is a teenager who is probably not self-confident. He projects this insecurity onto adults, hoping to hear a refutation from them: of course, you are trustworthy! First, recall the times when you believed him. Then ask him what faith and trust look like to him. If he wants to be more trusted, how could this, in his opinion, manifest itself? And what, for his part, he is ready to do for this – after all, the agreement implies obligations of the two parties, and trust is won gradually.
Chief
“Don’t underestimate yourself!”
We are forced to assume that something is wrong with us, thus causing a feeling of guilt. But what and in what direction we should change remains unclear. The manipulator never explains his goals, and sometimes he does not know them himself. Perhaps the boss just wants to feel his power or expects the subordinate to find a solution that he himself cannot find.
Psychological self-defense: Ask your boss to clarify the criticism. You can admit that so far your work has not brought the desired result. Add that you are ready to improve, and ask for guidance for development. Ask the boss: “What do you think, in what direction should I proceed, what exactly should I do differently?” If he cannot explain what he wants, repeat that you are willing to work on yourself and want to improve your results. It is important to show management that you are open to constructive criticism and willing to cooperate.
About the expert:
Elena Shuvarikova – PhD in Psychology, group analyst, creator of the Here and Now Psychological Center, host of the Self-Knowledge Group.