Once in the power of this feeling, we no longer have doubts about its existence. But one has only to try to define it — it eludes us. Love is not subject to logic, elusive. So how do we recognize her?
“There is no love, there is only proof of love,” said the French playwright Jean Cocteau. If so, what can serve as its proof? Loyalty? But it depends rather on our temperament, personal morality and prevailing mores, and not only on the depth of feelings for a partner. Sexual attraction? But it can fade over time, but love remains.
A good memory for significant dates for two, gifts, the desire to spend as much time as possible with your loved one — all this is a matter of characters, tastes, and upbringing. How do we understand that our feeling is true love?
Shock
«I love!!! And now I live with some kind of special ease and constantly feel happiness, — says 28-year-old Natalia. — When we are together, I can not take my eyes off him, I constantly want to touch him. I feel that we are one with him. If he is not around, no matter what I do, no matter where I am, all thoughts return to him. I constantly wait for his call, and if he does not call or is delayed, everything breaks inside me: I am afraid that we will never see each other again.
“We often confuse falling in love and love — their signs are very similar,” says family psychotherapist Maria Fedorova. — We experience delight and worry, rejoice and feel pain — our inner world is shaken to its very foundations. Falling in love usually lasts a few months, but no more than three years.
And only after this time it is possible to judge whether the feeling was genuine or whether it was just a fleeting hobby. After a romantic crush, long-term deep affection comes or the relationship ends. It turns out that one intensity of emotions is not enough to talk about true love. But what is the other evidence?
Responsibility
“With Olga, I became more attentive to my promises and actions, although I usually behaved more than frivolously with other women,” says 40-year-old Georgy. “Now, before I do anything, I think about how she will react to it. I need to keep her trust. I love her and I’m afraid to lose her.»
If our feelings become more even, but at the same time deeper, mutual understanding and awareness of our responsibility for a loved one come to us — we can say that falling in love has grown into true love.
True love begins when we seek to know the other, to understand what he is
“When we fall in love, we do not see a person, but are captivated by it, because it reflects the ideal image that we carry in our soul,” says American psychotherapist Robert Johnson, author of the book “We. Deep Aspects of Romantic Love. And so falling in love is nothing but love for oneself. True love begins only from the moment when we strive to get to know the other, to understand what he is like as an ordinary, earthly person, we begin to love him in this capacity and take care of him.
“When passionate passion develops into a deep feeling, we begin to realize that it is important for us not only the pleasure that we get from communicating with a partner. Now the beloved person is important to us in itself, — agrees the psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “It becomes unique to us, as if it contained an important part of ourselves. And we are ready to sacrifice a lot for the sake of our feelings.”
So, care and responsibility are the signs of true love? Also no. After all, it often happens that we build such relationships by virtue of inertia, habit or gentleness of character.
attraction
But there is also our body. It is waiting for the beloved, requires his presence, touches, his gaze, caresses. For 27-year-old Ekaterina, bodily sensations are the main proof of love. “When I love, I physically miss this person,” Catherine admits. — Wherever I am, at work, in the cinema, with a girlfriend, I remember him and feel his absence. This tension subsides only when he is near.
“Our body, faster than the mind, lets us know that love has come,” says sexologist Natalya Stenyaeva. “When we experience sexual attraction, when we like to be around for a long time, when we touch each other, when we become receptive to the gestures, behavior, words, smell of a partner, we know that we love.”
However, the time comes, and spouses, even those who love each other passionately, notice that attraction is decreasing, sex ceases to be so significant in their lives. The French psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto said that partners actually make love more often than they themselves think: “It happens unnoticed by them, at night, when they just sleep in the same bed. In this way, we communicate with each other at the deepest level, at the level of the unconscious, which manifests itself more at this time of day. Does this mean that the attraction of bodies is not an unconditional proof of love?
Secret
Perhaps it is not worth trying to define what love is, because once we wish to explain this feeling with the power of reason, we risk losing it forever — as happened with Psyche.
The heroine of Greek myths spent hot nights with the god of love Eros. But in order to keep the love, she should not see his face. “If he does not want to open up to you, then he is a monster,” the sisters whisper to Psyche. At night, when Eros fell asleep, she took a lamp and lit up his face. The god of love turned out to be so beautiful! The girl trembled with excitement, and a drop of hot oil fell on the body of her lover. He woke up … and left her forever. For the acquired knowledge, Psyche paid with love.
Each of us, by some signs only he can understand, can say that love has come
Carl Gustav Jung writes about this in his autobiographical book “Memories, Dreams, Reflections”: “I have repeatedly encountered the mystery of love and could never explain what it is. The greatest and the smallest, the most remote and the nearest, the highest and the deepest are concentrated in it, and we cannot speak about one of the sides, silent about the opposite. A person can come up with any names for love, but this will only be an endless self-deception. If he has even a modicum of wisdom, he will discard fruitless attempts.
We do not know how love is born and where it comes from, we cannot give it a single, exhaustive definition — and yet this almost “non-existent” feeling can turn our whole life upside down. Perhaps we should simply recognize that only each of us, by some signs only he can understand, can say that love has come.
Confessions of Love
One fine day, their hearts trembled, because they realized: this is HE, this is HER. Our heroes are from 25 to 60 years old, but they remember the beginning of their love with the same excitement.
“I realized that I love him after the first quarrel. All night I composed a letter: I apologized and confessed my love. It turned out stupid. I decided to fit everything into SMS. Sergey caught me doing this in the morning … »
Julia, 25 years old
“We quarreled, and then chatted on the phone for half the night and for some reason agreed that we should leave. I did not sleep all night, and in the morning I rushed to Yulia with a bouquet. And at that time she was composing a text message for me with a declaration of love.
Sergey, 23 years old
“It all started as a light novel. But one day I realized: my feelings are deeper than it seemed, and I’m ready for a serious relationship. After that, everything in life began to change at a rapid pace.
Sasha, 26 years old
“Sasha and I worked together in an advertising agency: the relationship was good, we easily understood each other. On the last night of the January holidays, I had a romantic dream about him. The next day at work, I saw Sasha with different eyes.
Julia, 25 years old
“We worked together for six years, but we never looked at each other. In 1989 my first book came out. Irina read it and told me what was important for me to hear. I was hooked, I invited her to a picnic. Spring, cold, she is wearing white leather gloves. Suddenly, the paper cup with «Saperavi» in her hand was torn, and the gloves were hopelessly damaged. And she didn’t even show it. It was then that I realized: our man!”
Andrey, 47 years old
“We had a business relationship. And then I began to notice Andrei’s interest in myself and also decided to take a closer look at him. And after that, the feeling naturally arose that with this person I could live happily for the rest of my life.
Irina, 49 years old
“We occasionally met with Aset. But one day I saw her with flowers in her hands next to another man, and at that moment the world changed. A strange fire flared up inside me. It was a burning hatred for that guy and a huge tenderness for her.
Ibrahim, 37 years old
“I had a lot of admirers, although no one sought me so persistently. Ibrahim was the most devoted of all. The realization that this is a strong feeling that does not let go for a minute came when I thought: what if I have to choose between my parents and my future husband? In the Caucasus, you don’t joke with your family, relatives are your whole life. And then I got scared: I chose Ibrahim.
Asset, 33 years old
“January 9, 1977, evening, snow, frost, not too brightly lit Moscow. Corner of the Museum of the Revolution. I was standing next to the car. After the New Year holidays, the last thing I wanted was any movement. And suddenly I ran upstairs to Red Square. Only at the entrance to GUM did I realize what made me suddenly take off: a few minutes before that, through the snow, from afar, I saw a girl’s figure passing by. What could I see at that distance? However, some force made me rush after him. I caught up with her and said the simplest and most unexpected: “Girl, I’ll catch my breath for now, and you tell us about yourself.” I made an offer on the third day of our acquaintance.
Sergey, 56 years
“On a winter Sunday evening, I was invited to an exhibition at the Manege. Dad, whom I came to visit from Leningrad, tried to persuade me for a long time not to go anywhere in such a frost. Overpowering myself, I still got ready and left the house. I knew Moscow very conditionally, therefore, having reached the Ploshchad Revolyutsii station not without incident, I got confused again and instead of the Manege I went towards GUM. To acquaintance on the street, my attitude was sharply negative, but fate that evening acted according to its plan. I was walking along a deserted street when I suddenly heard words behind me that disarmed me. Turning around, I realized: the exhibition in the Manege will take place without me.
Galina, 54 years old
“Victor sat down at the piano and began to serenade Schubert. At that moment, something turned over in me … I realized that with the help of music he was telling me about his feelings. I literally felt that it was still dumb — and he would propose to me.
Olga, 54 years old
“At first, I liked Olga outwardly. Human interest arose later. We met and went to the theater, to a concert — it turned out that we both love art. Three weeks after the first meeting, I realized: she is the person I need.
Victor, 61 years old