How do we figure out what we really want?

Desires, aspirations, intentions, dreams, dreams… How many different words to designate the predicted future! And each has its own connotation. Some of the imaginary images are destined to forever remain unrealizable, and others – to turn into plans and goals that, if achieved, will change reality and ourselves.

“A dream can exist at the level of ideas, concepts, fantasies, it’s not in vain that they say about it – “beautiful”, “unattainable,” recalls Andrey Ryzhov, a gestalt therapist. – Desire has a higher potential for realism. But it may never be realized if we ourselves do not particularly need it, we just heard that it should be so. But if a desire is born from within, it has every chance to come true.”

Although sometimes desires become a response to external events, helping us to adapt to new circumstances.

According to my desire

“For a long time I did not dare to pass on the rights, although I fantasized how one day I would drive myself. There was a car, but her husband drove it, – recalls 42-year-old Alina. – And after the birth of my son, I realized that without a car I couldn’t get anywhere: the kindergarten was several bus stops away. Every morning, the instructor and I took the child to the kindergarten in Zhiguli with the letter “U”.

For me, it was a double stress – I was already sweating from the fear of the road, and then there was my son behind me. But thanks to driving, I have become much freer, I have been driving for almost 15 years, I travel all over Russia, I rent a car abroad. And I get great pleasure from it. Thanks to my son – if not for his kindergarten, I would still be a pedestrian.

We fantasize about different things: about things and skills, about ourselves, as we could be. But for all this to become a reality, you need the very “my desire” that Emelya spoke about in a fairy tale.

“Desire becomes a prototype of the future if it is transformed into a goal,” emphasizes cognitive-behavioral therapist Denis Dmitriev. “Then we need an action plan, the motivation to implement that plan, and the necessary resources.”

If all this is there and we achieve what we want, it is natural to expect that we, like Alina, change something for the better and experience satisfaction. Most often this is what happens. But not always.

“The modern fashion for “achievement” makes many set goals, get results, but one day, most often during a midlife crisis, some find that they have everything: a wife, a business, a career, children, prosperity, but there is no feeling of happiness” Andrey Ryzhov says.

One of the reasons is that we directed our magical “want” in the wrong direction. It is not for nothing that in the offices of psychotherapists the phrase is often heard: “It’s as if I’m not living my life.”

An inheritance dream

“We were very friendly with my father,” says 41-year-old Ilya. – We often went to the Tver region, where there are many forest rivers. They fished, lived in a tent, burned fires, sometimes stayed with his friends in village houses. Father said that someday we will have our own house on the banks of the Tver river.

When I was 19, my father died. Then I vowed that I would buy a house. Five years ago, I finally got it. And although there is a long way to get there from Moscow, and I work a lot and get very tired, I try to come as soon as possible, correct something, nail it down, mow the grass.

And recently I caught myself thinking that I don’t want to wind up kilometers and I would love to go to another place. But the hut requires care, it “calls”. I think that at nineteen, the idea of ​​fulfilling my father’s dream was an attempt not to let go of him, to be with him. But now I am an adult and I understand that you will not return your father, and the dream of a house was his, not mine.

We often do the will of our parents without resistance. “The fate of some of us is determined even before we ourselves can understand what we want,” notes psychodramatherapist Natalya Ruzlyaeva. – There are families of hereditary military men, doctors, politicians, businessmen. Living from childhood in such an environment, the child sees and understands how significant and dear to his family is the profession, passed down from generation to generation. Following tradition allows you to be part of the family system.”

The need for acceptance dictates our desire (not always realized) to be “ours” in the family system and, more broadly, in society.

“We are social beings and, in order to survive in society, we are able not only to desire, but also to respond to the needs of other people,” says Denis Dmitriev. – It is inherent in nature.

In order to feel comfortable, we need a balance between the realization of our own desires and participation in the fulfillment of the desires of other people. And everyone has their own balance.

To find it, we learn to recognize our needs and prioritize what to do first, what to do next. And this is sometimes a difficult task: after all, there are even several of your own desires, and at the same time.

Difficult choice

“As biological beings, we are not able to live without desires,” emphasizes Denis Dmitriev. We have physiological needs that are primarily related to survival and reproduction. These are internal programs that accompany us all our lives and determine many actions. But we want not only what is laid down by nature! Culture and modern civilization expand the range of our possibilities almost to infinity. We may want all sorts of entertainment and ways to pass the time.

Often these desires are not related to biological needs and even contradict them: they threaten survival, as well as the ability to give birth to children. The abundance of offers is disorienting. For the first time in history, we live in such an abundance that we have not learned to understand. And if in the past, with age, a person began to become more aware of his desires and learned how to satisfy them, but now age does not guarantee greater clarity and understanding!”

Media, advertising and social networks seem to be deliberately created in order to increase the number of desires. Have you made more money? Is your car good enough? Maybe a new marriage will make you happier? Is it time to do yoga and sports? Do you already know what the meaning of life is? There is so much to try, learn, experience! But whatever we choose, we will have to sacrifice something else. And even realizing that there are objective limitations, we often suffer from the fact that we cannot get everything at once.

“The key to needs is feelings. But if we don’t understand them, we don’t have a selection criterion,” Andrey Ryzhov notes. – In some ways, we become like a small child who does not understand that not all desires come true.

Hence the children’s hysteria: the mother says it’s time to leave the store, and the child liked the toys, and he is torn between two desires – to be with his mother and stay with cars or dolls. Adults cry less often, but many “hang out”, not knowing what to want more.”

The result can be inaction and withdrawal into oneself. This also leads to a lack of resources. “I don’t have enough communication or love, but I can’t get it, so I will become enlightened, break contact with life and declare to everyone that I don’t need people and I don’t feel any desires,” Andrey Ryzhov gives an example.

This, of course, is self-deception, which will be revealed sooner or later. But the ability to desire sometimes really disappears by itself – for no apparent reason.

Under the motto “should”

“Somehow I woke up, and suddenly a thought shot through me: I don’t know what I want,” says 38-year-old Rimma. – I kind of planned with my mind to buy something, to go somewhere. But as if all this did not concern me and my life, but was just a colorless line in the diary. At first, I thought that this was the result of hard work: we launched a new project, spent days and nights in the office. But a month later I did everything on the machine.

I tried to remember: when was the last time you really wanted something so that you were ready to rush to the ends of the world for a dream? And only a case from childhood came to mind when I rushed to the other end of the city for a puppy, which my parents finally allowed me to take.

Indeed, in childhood such bright and strong desires! Why do they suddenly lose their taste, fade and become covered with dust? Most often, because our inner “achiever” has forgotten about “I want” and lives under the motto “must”. Or what was once a desire has become a routine.

The lovers went to the cinema, then got married and it became their common tradition. 20 years have passed and they still go to the cinema on weekends, and although they no longer enjoy it, neither of them dares to say out loud: “I don’t feel like it.”

Following habits and rules, we sometimes forget how it all began, what need was (if it was) behind this behavior. This means that it is time to ask ourselves again: what do we want for ourselves?

“When my clients say they don’t know what they want, I understand that they have lost contact with themselves and need to be restored,” says Andrey Ryzhov. To do this, it is useful to remember that we often live by following gloomy mottos from childhood (“I am the last letter in the alphabet”, “You want a lot, you get a little”, “There is a word “must”) and social stereotypes that dictate what we should be . Even including the stereotype that tells us to have desires.

“Now in society there is such a tendency that everyone should want something, strive for something, achieve something. This is an energy-consuming process, from which you can get very tired, – says Natalya Ruzlyaeva. – Therefore, the question “Can I not want something?” seems very relevant to me.

I think it’s time for all of us to learn to just live, to enjoy what we have already achieved and not want anything more, to give ourselves time to rest until we have the strength to dream again.