Marina quarrels with her husband. While she is busy looking for flaws in his behavior, she is distracted from other issues that should have been discussed long ago. Mikhail can’t calm down until he drinks a couple of beers. But what will this way of dealing with inner pain lead to? Psychotherapist Hilary Hendel says.
Marina and her husband have long ceased to satisfy each other in bed. Every evening she finds a way to quarrel with him to distract from real problems. However, avoiding a direct conversation, she loses the chance to solve these very problems.
Alcohol calms Michael down. But this way of fighting does not lead to anything except health problems and in the family.
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Polina prefers to spend the weekend at home instead of meeting her friends. She feels uncomfortable around people. But at home she is not so much calm as lonely. It would be easier for her to connect with other people if she came face to face with her fears.
Robert snaps at strangers when he doesn’t feel like they’re being respectful enough. Precious emotional energy is wasted in outbursts of anger. Perhaps it would be more useful to try to understand yourself and your behavior?
These are all examples of a defensive behavioral strategy. We all use it to solve our emotional problems (especially when it comes to unpleasant and painful emotions). Yes, it’s a quick way to stop feeling vulnerable. But we pay a pretty high price for it.
Read more:
- Julia Gippenreiter: “There are emotions that we have the right to, but there are actions that cannot be performed”
Obviously, a defensive reaction can lead to problems and harm. But can self-defense be healthy? Yes, for example, when after a hard day’s work we relieve stress by watching a funny movie. Fighting negative emotions with alcohol or overly aggressive, destructive behavior can harm not only our mental health, but also the emotional state of loved ones. You can solve this problem by directly addressing your emotions, trying to understand and label them.
For starters, it’s worth learning to simply notice those moments when we resort to this kind of “destructive” defense. Once it becomes clear to us that we are trying to avoid something, it is worth asking ourselves: how do we really feel?
Read more:
- Don’t suppress your emotions!
To do this, you need to relax and take 4-5 deep breaths (you can imagine that you are now on the beach). Now that you’ve managed to relax, ask yourself “How do I really feel?” And try to identify the emotions that you notice. Most likely, you will even determine how they manifest physically: in the stomach, in the throat, in the chest. Perhaps you will encounter negative emotions, with your fears and regrets. There is nothing unusual about this. Try to name them too. The very awareness and labeling of emotions will help you calm down and decide where to move on.
This exercise may seem difficult at first. But it helps you understand more about your emotions and about your defensive reactions. It will help you stop stumbling and learn how to solve those problems that prevent you from actually living.
See more at PsychCentral publications.