How do narcissists choose their partners?

Narcissists and their ilk prefer to maintain relationships with people in whom they find certain traits that are convenient for them.

“If you understand that your partner is a narcissist, you should think about what you can change in yourself to protect yourself,” advises psychotherapist Shari Stynes.

Why me?

Here are the qualities that narcissistic personalities like so much, but make their partners especially vulnerable to manipulation:

• The tendency to forgive. Narcissists hurt their partners all the time and therefore long-term relationships can only be maintained with those who are willing to forgive insults again and again.
• Devotion. Narcissists demand unconditional loyalty, but often hypocritically betray their partners. For example, having cheated on a husband or wife, they do not feel guilty, but, on the contrary, they expect to be accepted and understood.
• The ability to see only the good. Partners of narcissists do not notice other people’s shortcomings, but the merits are often exaggerated. For example, a partner may be so captivated by the narcissist’s outward beauty that they turn a blind eye to his disgusting nature.
• The desire to think about others. When making a decision, such a person thinks first of all not about himself, but about the other. He tries to guess how the partner-narcissist will react to the act, and tries to adapt to him.
• Sacrifice Narcissists prefer partners who are willing to sacrifice themselves. They are not interested in the needs of other people. On the contrary, you need someone who has no desires of his own and who is ready to devote himself entirely to caring for a loved one.
• Increased sense of responsibility. Victims of narcissists often tend to take responsibility for others. Narcissists themselves, on the other hand, are extremely irresponsible and need someone to solve their problems. After all, someone has to raise children and provide for the family.
• Willingness to make concessions. Narcissists demand that things go the way they want. They set the rules and control others. They are suited to partners who adapt to them in everything (give up their desires and needs, change plans on demand) and never argue.

How to protect yourself?

If you realize that your partner is abusing your trust and kindness, you can stop him. To do this, you do not need to destroy everything good in yourself and return evil for evil. You just need to firmly grasp when and whom you can forgive, understand and endure, and when not.

“Even in the Bible it was said: “Do not cast pearls before swine.” This is worth remembering when dealing with a person who treats you inappropriately. You don’t have to give up your best qualities, but you don’t have to show them and become vulnerable to manipulation, ”Stines recalls.

If your partner does not appreciate your responsibility, your tendency to forgive and sacrifice yourself, to see the good in others, your willingness to make concessions, you have every right to treat him differently. This is a manifestation of wisdom and prudence.

Wisdom is the lessons we learn from life experience. Most likely, you are already wise enough to understand the true nature of narcissists. You have realized how badly your narcissistic partner really treats you. Now you understand the whole essence of toxic and manipulative relationships.

Discretion is the ability to make wise decisions. When you realize that your partner shamelessly takes advantage of your kindness, you have the opportunity to decide how to treat him: continue to indulge his whims or set clear and rigid boundaries.

“And remember, you should only be kind to those who deserve it,” Stines concludes.

About the Author: Shari Stynes ​​is a psychotherapist specializing in personality disorders, traumatic relationships, and addictions.