We used to think that men are less sensitive and that sex is just a release for them, so they experience rejection more easily than women. How does the stronger sex actually react to rejection and how does this affect relationships?
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You had a wonderful day, and now you want your beloved to return home as soon as possible. You mentally imagine a wonderful evening that will end in the bedroom. You are thinking about this as you arrange glasses and candles on the table, and then the bell rings. Your partner does not share playful plans and from the doorstep reports a terrible day at work and nightmarish traffic jams. Almost in one gulp, he drinks the outstretched glass and falls on the sofa. All he wants now is a pillow and a TV remote control. A familiar picture, isn’t it?
Most of the women interviewed said that when they themselves offer intimacy to a man and are rejected, it hurts self-esteem. At the same time, they are accustomed to thinking that the same situation is by no means so sharply perceived by the other side. This delusion rests on two stereotypes.
The first stereotype is that men need sex to a greater extent in order to feel good physically, and emotional connection is not so important to them. And if a man is rejected, then he suffers less, because all that he loses is the impossibility of immediate sexual satisfaction.
Men perceive the rejection of intimacy as a message: “my woman doesn’t want me anymore”
The second stereotype – the stronger sex – is the initiator of sexual contacts and always plays the role of “attacker” in this game. The woman acts as a “protector”, and refusing for her is in the order of things. Thus, a man simply gets used to the fact that his claims can be rejected.
In fact, everything is exactly the opposite. It’s hard to get used to being rejected. And since this happens more often with men, they sometimes suffer more. I interviewed men aged 30-60 years old, with a long-term relationship or family life experience (more than 14 years), and asked them if they had periods when attraction to a partner decreased or completely disappeared. Nearly everyone confessed to me that their libido, and sometimes their self-confidence, always suffered when they were denied sex for various reasons.
Here is what the respondents wrote:
“When you only offer to make love, and you are constantly answered “no”, although they find plausible excuses, this is very upsetting at first, and then gradually leads to depression. You start saying to yourself, “Something is broken, and it’s probably my fault.” (Alexander, 32 years old)
“If she doesn’t want you, that means she’s not interested in you. It touches something very important inside. I feel like she doesn’t need me. Maybe it’s not really true, but that’s how I feel.” (Mark, 42)
In other words, the men did not perceive the refusal as the unwillingness of the partner to make love right now. For them, this meant that the woman no longer wanted them. All respondents said that the regular rejection of the women they loved affected their confidence in relationships and self-esteem.
Many mentioned that the feeling of rejection affected their libido and they began to avoid physical relationships. “I’m a positive person, but when it comes to sex and you get rejected all the time, you can’t take it lightly. It’s easier to push this topic and not think about it at all,” admits Boris, 51 years old.
When a man feels insecure, at the same time he stops “hearing” his partner
Men described their emotions in different words, but they always expressed one thing – it hurts to feel rejected. And in order to protect themselves, many begin to avoid sex themselves, outwardly not showing their former interest in this side of life. This is confirmed by a study by psychologist Emmy Mays from the University of Toronto (Canada).
The first two parts of it are devoted to how accurately partners read the signs inviting to sex and intimacy. Mays soon discovered an interesting pattern — there is something that unites men who have ignored the non-verbal messages of their partners.
She did additional research that involved couples in long-term relationships. For three weeks, all participants were asked to keep a diary of sexual activity and rate the statement “I’m afraid my partner will reject me” on a seven-point scale, ranging from “I don’t really care” to “It’s vital to me.”
It turned out that on days when men were especially worried about being rejected, they were less able to identify the signals of sexual interest that their girlfriends sent them. In other words, when for various reasons they felt insecure, they simultaneously stopped “hearing” their partner, thereby giving up possible intimacy in advance.
It is only natural that we cannot want intimacy whenever a partner is in the mood. However, during my practice, I saw how relationships change in a couple when a man begins to talk about his feelings.
A woman hears that her words will hurt her loved one much more than she imagined, and, in turn, becomes more attentive. After all, instead of an irritably thrown “I’m tired and I don’t want to,” you can hug your partner with the words “Let’s do it tomorrow” or “Let’s just hug today, I really want to feel you around.” You will be surprised how much the relationship will win, you just have to start talking about it warmer and more tactfully.
About the Author: Sarah Hunter Murray is a psychologist, therapist, and couples sexuality specialist.