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Male friendship is considered stronger, more faithful, sincere… However, it turns out that it is more difficult for men to maintain friendly relations than for women. Why? And what do men look for in friendship?
Their friendship has been celebrated and celebrated since antiquity. Loyalty, reliability, stability – these are its virtues. The paradox, however, is that it is more difficult for men to make and maintain such connections than for women.
“In the fifth grade, Roma and I were put at the same desk,” recalls 32-year-old Ivan. – For some reason, we immediately began to quarrel, he beat me because he was stronger, but I did not give up. The teacher even seated us. A year later, we suddenly began to communicate peacefully and quickly became friends. After school we went to an institute. And so we go through life side by side. When we manage to find time, we play football, go fishing. It happens that we don’t call each other for a month – but if something happens to one of us, the first thing we do is call each other. I know that I can always rely on him, and he is just as confident in me.” Attachment, inner closeness, frankness, trust, love – all this is in both male and female friendship. “The need for it does not depend on gender,” says Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. – We associate with her the expectations of fidelity, mutual assistance, stability of relations. Also, loyalty. That is, when we find ourselves in difficult circumstances, we rely on a friend to support us, even if we are not (quite) right.”
And yet, men do not make friends in the same way as women.
Restraint
The opportunity to pour out the soul, to share feelings – for women this is one of the main values in communicating with friends. Men, on the contrary, appreciate the fact that friends “do not climb into the soul.” “A man’s emotional “I” is arranged differently,” Nifont Dolgopolov explains. – He can tell a friend quite intimate things, but at the same time not reveal his emotional experiences. The question “What do you feel?” difficult for him, requires inner work. Therefore, it is more comfortable for a man to keep his distance. With male friends, he feels safe: they do not violate the boundaries of each other’s emotional “I”.
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To some extent, this is also connected with the ideas of a “real man” accepted in society, which most boys absorb from childhood. Sociologist Igor Kon, who researched the issue, wrote: “Although the need for self-disclosure seems to be the same in men and women, the traditional definition of the male role, which obliges a man to be stern, strong, energetic, unsentimental and restrained, imposes restrictions on him, prompting emotional restraint and hindering the capacity for empathy”*. Nifont Dolgopolov adds that it is easier for a man to be friends with a man. Sexuality is always present as a subtext in friendship with a woman, but in the friendship of heterosexual men this is not, and therefore they can feel more secure and confident in these relationships.
Rivalry
“Men have a strong sense of their own exclusivity, which gives rise to natural competitiveness,” says psychotherapist Gleb Lozinsky. – This instinct manifests itself in different ways in different men, but it is always there. And it is always activated when one man communicates with another. Friendship is no exception. Moreover, rivalry can not only make it difficult, but also nourish such a connection, Nifont Dolgopolov believes: “A man is very achievement-oriented, and in this sense he needs a friend with whom he could compete. Unlike women, who are embarrassed by rivalry with a girlfriend and can lead to resentment and conflict.
Why are women jealous of their friends?
What are they talking about? Why should they meet? When a partner goes to chat with a friend or in a male company, women sometimes experience anxiety and jealousy. “These feelings arise because he leaves for another world, the world of men, as if on the invisible side of the moon,” Gleb Lozinsky reflects. – Of course, a woman has some idea about this world, but it is very difficult for her to know it, because she has a different nature. It is of great interest: what is there? why is he there? with whom? These are questions for which a woman does not have an answer within herself. And she is anxious because she is losing control over the man. Those women who do not have contact with their own masculine part, who have not known the masculine side of their personality, react more anxiously to such a “leaving”. G. Ch.
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Common cause
Work, sports, fishing, hunting, political discussions – for male friendship, an external subject context is always needed, emphasizes Gleb Lozinsky. “A man establishes relations with the world (and with another man, in particular) not just like that, but always “on business”. A common cause is a natural environment for male friendship, in which only human intimacy arises.
This is also dictated by our social culture, says Nifont Dolgopolov. “Intimate communication of girlfriends is a social norm. But when men meet to talk about experiences, this is perceived with some bewilderment. This is outside of today’s social norm. Therefore, male friendly communication is based on some kind of joint activity. “I have business, I have football” – and that’s it, there are no questions. Although in reality there is still a need for emotional support behind this. Men either don’t realize it or don’t admit it.”
male space
“He. Deep Aspects of Male Psychology by Robert Jones
With a witty interpretation of the Grail myth, the Jungian analyst answers the question of what it means to be a real man. The book will help male readers to learn more about themselves, women better understand their loved ones – father, husband, son (Kogito-Center, 2008).
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Our experts agree: women are better suited for friendship, men find it more difficult. This is confirmed by sociologists. 25% of men speak about the absence of a best friend (women – 19%). Moreover, among men in the age group of 45 years and older, such answers are already 32%**.
“The competitive nature of men, the lack of “emotional fuel”, the need for a business context – all this creates difficulties that interfere with male friendship, says Gleb Lozinsky. “Therefore, for men, if friendship does take place, it is the same gift as love.” But in order to get around these obstacles, efforts are required from them. Is friendship worth doing? “It is very important for men to be in a male community,” the therapist continues. “Here they get something that they cannot get anywhere else: this is a special joint energy of the male, which is greater than each of them individually. It permeates them, but does not belong to anyone. This is a kind of male space that gives a man both drive and strength.
* I. Kon “Friendship” (Peter, 2010).
** According to the portal superjob.ru
Understand men… with Marina Khazanova
Isn’t it true that we all love when we succeed in what we do, when we are admired and cannot do without us? A woman equips the house, cooks, takes care of the children (they definitely can’t do without her!): She realizes herself in the family in many ways. And the man? What we have for dinner, whether it is necessary to scold for a deuce, what kind of furniture we will buy, as a rule, the wife decides. And if he (like many) is restrained and not very good at picking up arguments, then he does not try to express his point of view. In the family, he often has no choice. The area where a man can show his freedom and creativity is work. There he feels in demand, and ideally irreplaceable. Recall the locksmith Gosha from the movie “Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears”*. He is not an academician, but academicians pray for him – he creates experimental equipment for them, without him they are like without hands …
Satisfaction is primarily associated not with a high position and earnings, but with the fact that a man is confident in himself, in his competence, in the respect of his colleagues. A bright idea, a successful project – he copes with the tasks, he has a surge of energy, his life is filled with meaning. And when he loses his job or retires, he loses it all. The phone is silent – “I’m no longer needed.” A lot of free time, but what to spend it on? And there are fewer forces, and it is difficult to accept for someone who lived with the feeling “I can, I must, I can.” It’s good when a man stays active. I know a retired doctor – he writes books: he has a lot to share! So there is a purpose, meaning. When a man finds a use for himself, his life is getting better. This is true for any age.
* Dir. Vladimir Menshov, 1979. In 1980 he was awarded the Oscar film award.
Marina Khazanova, psychotherapist, specialist in client-centered therapy.