Some are silent about their desires in the hope that their beloved will guess everything themselves. Others give the partner detailed instructions that undermine his self-confidence. How to avoid these extremes? Three tips from a sexologist.
“How to explain to a man what I want? complains 43-year-old Emilia. “If I’m even a little excited, he concludes that he can get down to business right away. He caresses me for half a minute and immediately enters. And I want him to be more tender, to hug me, stroke me everywhere. And I would ask him to kiss me in special places. I try to tell him what I would like. Sometimes he understands and does what I thought. And sometimes it’s like he just doesn’t hear.”
Be open about your needs
Women are constantly advised to speak out loud to their partners about what is good for them in terms of sexuality, to be proactive in their desires, to be bolder and more assertive. But this is easier said than done. For many, it is safer to remain passive and receive from partners what they can give.
“Women often tell me,” says sexologist Esther Perel, “that they would like to prolong the pleasures of the preliminary game, that they really like it, almost more than the act itself. And yet they adapt to the partner and give up their desires. They agree with a more stereotypical masculine approach to sex, in which the foreplay is little more than a preface to the «real».
However, it is the anticipation, the seduction, the playful touches, the kisses, the gazes and the eye contact—all that desire and arousal is made of—that make them feel desired. For women, these exciting moments are the “real”.
Talk about your desires not only in bed
Many of the women I worked with worried that if they didn’t reach orgasm quickly, their partner would get bored. As soon as he gets an orgasm, they give up theirs, as if the female pace is completely determined by the male.
They fake an orgasm, they pretend. They say: “His “I” is too vulnerable”, “it is unlikely that he will understand this”, “I am afraid to offend him”. Or: “I don’t want to make him angry, otherwise he will sulk.” Or even sometimes, «I don’t know what I want, I just know I’m not getting it.»
Men like to be led, but they can’t stand criticism. It kills their sexual confidence. “As soon as I touch her, she starts telling me what to do. All these instructions are bothering me. Tickle here, rub there. Here it is too dry, there it is too wet. Slower, faster, more confident, gentler, and there is no end to it.
Obviously, this is not easy to deal with — such requests can sound like demands, and in fact at this time both partners are as open and vulnerable as possible. If we are not sexually satisfied, we become more irritable, less patient, more aggressive and tactless — and this is true for both men and women.
Instead of saying, «I wish you would caress me,» we say, «Why are you always grabbing your breasts right away?» The former I had no such problems. Talking about sexual topics and discussing what gives us more pleasure is better outside the bedroom, and not when we are both busy with each other.
Use non-verbal communication
“I am a therapist, for this obvious reason I appreciate the conversation,” reminds Esther Perel, “but I am ready to argue about whether verbal communication is considered the best. We talk with bodies, actions, looks. Body language is our mother tongue, we used it to express a lot of things long before we uttered the first word.
And while I think it’s important for couples to talk, there are times when discussion is forced rather than preferred. There is such a prejudice that if you do not discuss everything that is possible, then you are not close. This false premise weighs especially on men. It is much more preferable to show your partner what you want without words.
You can take his hand and gently bring it to where you want to feel the touch. Books, magazines, and videos can help too. And it’s also important to express appreciation for having this person in your life — this will help your partner or partner more confidently meet your needs, without perceiving your requests as complaints or belittling his masculinity or her femininity.
“Although I was talking about heterosexuals now,” the sexologist continues, “I see examples of the same development of events in same-sex couples — when one partner caters to the needs of the other or simply cannot calmly discuss what he or she wants to experience. Both men and women fall into the trap of believing that if you need to discuss actions, it means that you are not having a good sexual connection. How about looking at it differently? If you can openly discuss your desires, this is a sign of good sexual understanding.