How do I know if I’m a narcissist?

It is not so difficult to notice a narcissistic “mote” in another today: a lot of materials will help you see pathological traits in a partner, boss or acquaintance.

It is much more difficult to find a similar problem in yourself. Psychologist and author of The World of Narcissistic Victim Anastasia Dolganova talked to us about why it’s hard to admit that you have the same traits that you don’t like in people with narcissistic personality disorder. She also told how the narcissist and his victim are similar and how the therapist will help if you find that you are more like the “main villain of our time” than you would like.

Psychologies: It is believed that narcissists are such narcissistic types who are delighted with themselves and are ready to brag about their success all day long. Is it so?

Anastasia Dolganova: To begin with, let me remind you that narcissism is a serious violation of self-esteem, in which a person internally feels empty, inappropriate, unworthy and compensates for this through an external grandiose image, grandiose fantasies and demands. If we suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, we manipulate others into feeding us with admiration, adoration, praise, obedience, respect, and so on. At the same time, insignificance is the same pronounced side of narcissism as grandiosity. The main psychic forces of narcissism are focused on maintaining damaged self-esteem through idealization and devaluation.

Also, such people are characterized by the use of projective identification: this mechanism helps the narcissist to place his own “objectionable” feelings and qualities in other people in such a way that they really begin to feel and behave this way. The main affects (pronounced mental processes) of the narcissist are toxic shame and envy and deep rage.

The relationship of the narcissist with others is ambiguous: he strongly needs other people in order to maintain self-esteem. But the narcissist’s feelings for them are superficial, and the people themselves are easily replaceable.

Every day, new articles and videos about narcissism appear on the Internet, books about «irresistible and deadly beautiful» are published. We have learned to see them in others, but does this mean that narcissistic traits are so alien to all of us?

Our psyche is complex, and it also has a narcissistic component. Moreover, we are all narcissistic, that is, self-absorbed and perceive the world around us and people as a source of satisfaction of our needs, for at least two periods of our development. In early childhood (before 3 years of age) and adolescence, our developmental goals are best met through narcissism.

In pathological cases, narcissism does not stimulate, but freezes development. Normally, it is sometimes important for each of us to feel great and grandiose. Performing in public, or realizing professional ambitions, or recovering from a severe betrayal is what requires primitive idealization and devaluation. These inner forces refer precisely to the narcissistic component of any personality.

How to determine that the narcissistic component is present in an adequate amount? How to understand that it is too much or too little?

The simplest criterion is temporality and adequacy to the context. Temporarily idealizing yourself in public is normal, constantly idealizing yourself in a relationship is not normal. Having temporary difficulties with self-esteem after a failure is adequate, constantly needing external nourishment to feel good is a violation.

Narcissists experience persistent feelings of shame. These experiences do not leave them at all, or leave them for a very short time. Relations with others are broken: they are mostly manipulative in nature, and there are no deep feelings in them. Those with pronounced narcissistic traits constantly fantasize about greatness, and these fantasies are at odds with the present state of affairs. Here are the signs that narcissistic traits are expressed in a pathological degree.

The story about “not enough narcissistic traits” is most likely about insignificant narcissism. Under him, problems with self-esteem have a completely narcissistic severity and stamina, but for some reason grandiose compensation did not take place.

Is it possible to recognize a narcissist in yourself, to see the symptoms of a disorder in yourself? Sam Vaknin, author of books on narcissism, seems to be able to do this…

I still consider Sam Vaknin a showman. What is really going on inside him — I can’t say: how and what he noticed, what defenses he coped with … I don’t think that in this sense one can be guided by him. But narcissistic personality disorder can be seen. In psychotherapeutic practice, this usually does not cause problems if you act not through shame, but through empathy. And if you have doubts, you can ask yourself the following questions (and, of course, give them the most honest answers):

1. Do I have chronic, severe self-esteem issues? Does my opinion of myself differ in polarities «I am great — I am insignificant»? Do I feel good about myself if I’m not doing something great, or if I’m weak, tired, afraid?
2. Do I feel intense envy or intense shame that comes when someone else achieves more than me?
3. Am I interested in those around me outside the context of those things that they can give me personally? Do I get angry when people around me don’t behave the way I want? Is my affection for them deep, do I doubt that this is love, for example?
4. Do I fantasize about being a great person? For example — a talented entrepreneur, a great lover, that I’m smarter than everyone else, that I deserve more and better?
5. Do I try to charm new acquaintances, even if it is not necessary in the context of what is happening (for example, strangers on a train, or a doctor at an appointment, or a wife’s friend)? Is it important for me to like these people? Does my attitude towards them depend on how I succeeded?
6. Do I tend to stay at parties and meetings until the end, in fear that I will miss something?
7. Do I find it difficult to keep promises made to other people?
8. Is it difficult for me to work long and systematically?
9. If I have to experience failure, do I feel that others are to blame, such as a stupid partner or a wife who did not support me enough? Do I feel rage and desire to take revenge on them?
10. Do I expect luck or other magical help from life (from shamans, spiritual practices, singing bowls, and so on) that will resolve my difficulties and lead me to success? Do I count on this more than on myself and my work?

Etc. You can also use advanced questionnaires, for example by that or by that. Sometimes a partner with a narcissistic disorder sends a signal to a loved one: «I’m not a narcissist, you’re a narcissist.» This is typical of close relationships that a person with narcissistic personality disorder builds in such a way that they can benefit from them. Openly accepting his narcissism goes against this concept, so it most often never happens. That is, a person with NPD may know about his narcissism, but will not admit it.

If we notice narcissistic traits in ourselves, we can whether How can we smooth them out, correct them?

It’s pretty easy to spot narcissism on your own. But it is almost impossible to correct it alone. Moreover, with a serious degree of severity of narcissistic disorder, complicated by pronounced manipulative tendencies or antisocial tendencies (that is, violations of ethics), psychotherapy will not help either! In milder forms, narcissism is corrected, softened. In successful cases — with years and life experience on its own, in others — with the help of specialists.

Self-correction is hard to do, because when suffering from narcissistic disorder, we experience a severe, toxic sense of shame if we deviate even slightly from the concept of «I am great.» We have distorted ideas about the world and ethics, there is no stable and realistic self-support, and mental defense systems are fiercely resistant to change.

What role does the narcissist’s partner play in his life?

The need for a partner in a person with narcissistic personality disorder can be described using the term «narcissistic extension».

This means that the partner himself as such is not particularly interested in a person with narcissism, but he needs a modification person, a kind of addition to himself. After all, the narcissist does not have enough of his own resources to fulfill the tasks of his disturbed psyche.

To achieve these goals, the partner must meet two important criteria.

First, he must maintain the outward grandiosity of the narcissist. For external grandiosity, he himself should be a kind of medal, confirmation of status. Smart, successful, charismatic, prominent people in society attract narcissists, because they seem to increase their own value. “I have a cool wife” means to the narcissist, “I myself am cool.”

Secondly, the partner must maintain the inner grandiosity of the narcissist. To do this, with the help of projective identification, he becomes a kind of warehouse for all those things that the narcissist cannot bear in himself. Depending on the situation, it can be a variety of feelings and qualities.

For example, a narcissist’s partner may see themselves as being cowardly, lazy, controlling, dominating, aggressive, anxious, lying, cheating, consuming, provocative, hypocritical, rejecting, cold, manipulative, and so on. Thus, he, as it were, frees the narcissist himself from these qualities and gives him the opportunity to experience himself as the opposite: warm, active, courageous, and so on.

It turns out that not everyone will be interested in narcissists?

Yes. For a narcissistic relationship, you need a person who is outwardly successful, but inwardly self-doubting, shaming himself and not having a clear understanding of who he is. Such adults are «made» from children whose development has been affected by narcissistic trauma. That is, significant adults of the child, who will later be an ideal partner for a narcissist, behave in such a way that this child has a feeling that he himself should not exist at all. That in his place there should be someone more intelligent, beautiful, kind. In general, the one who will like his parents more.

Actually, a person with a narcissistic personality disorder experiences the same experiences and could grow up in the same conditions, but his condition is more difficult, and his defenses are more rigid and stable. Interestingly, during a relationship with a narcissistic partner, the victim of a narcissist may worsen his condition by building up similar defenses — and so he himself becomes more narcissistic. In relation to others, people who suffer from narcissists within their relationships often manifest themselves as narcissists.

There is an opinion that narcissists are not able to sympathize, empathize and generally suffer …

I would separate the concepts of «suffer» and «empathize» far. A person with narcissistic personality disorder experiences terrible suffering, which gives him a feeling of inner insignificance and toxic experiences of rage, envy and shame. At the same time, his feelings for others are really quite superficial, and their empathy for others is not deep. It is often the case that a person with NPD sympathizes with animals, especially suffering ones, such as abandoned street dogs. But he does not feel sorry for people, and in relations with them, on the contrary, he shows sadism.

Why is this happening?

The inner world of a person with narcissistic personality disorder can be characterized as follows: all his attention is turned to himself. To himself he feels love and hatred, pity, pride, kindness. He may learn to take care of himself or present his needs. He is fascinated by conversations about his life and his own experiences.

The narcissist has no such interest in those around him. And he almost does not respond to their feelings with his own — in addition to rage, envy and shame. However, the person with NPD usually describes them as suffering caused by another within a relationship or at a breakup.

I can give an example. A colleague of mine told a telling story from a pediatric therapy group that included a markedly narcissistic boy. The group played cat and mouse, and this child was chosen for the role of the cat. When the right music was playing, he would come out, artistically arch his back, purr, walk around the study room and generally pretend to be a cat, everyone was staring. Just don’t catch mice. I didn’t even remember they existed! His inner world was captured by himself …

Why then does the narcissist need anyone else at all, since he is most interested in himself?

Narcissists often have a functional attitude towards others. That is, a person is considered in the context of the role that he can play in the fate of a narcissist — or, conversely, as a hindrance. Sometimes these roles are very important, and people also become important to the narcissist and even vital. But at the same time, he can still easily “replace” one for the other and has only superficial feelings for others.

What to do if we suspect that we have a tendency to narcissism? How long can therapy be, which direction should I choose?

Go to psychoanalysts and humanistic therapists with a specialization in the treatment of personality disorders. You need to be prepared for the fact that any personality disorder is from 3 to 7 years of work. And the request must come from you: narcissists are not brought into therapy. Narcissism does not always have a good therapeutic prognosis, and the more the client has a tendency to lie and manipulate, the worse this prognosis. So the main recommendation for clients is maximum honesty and sincerity.

What will happen in the therapist’s office if we find ourselves a narcissist or, conversely, a narcissistic victim?

Successful therapy for narcissism is the gradual reduction of magical thinking and other primitive defenses. Our goal is to help the client develop more sustainable self-esteem, to know and accept himself beyond the poles of grandiosity and insignificance.

Victims of narcissists, on the other hand, will have to deal not only with their addictive tendencies but also with their own narcissism in thorough therapy, since long-term therapy is aimed not only at relationship-related help, but also at correcting personality traits.