This text was written by US-based Chinese Amy Chua, professor of law at Yale University, and author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book was published in English in January. Whether a Russian translation of this book will ever appear is unknown. Therefore, I decided to translate this small piece published in The Wall Street Journal. I hope you will enjoy.
Many people wonder how Chinese parents manage to raise such successful children. What do these parents do to raise such smart mathematicians and virtuoso musicians, what happens in their families, and is it possible to arrange the same in your own family. I can tell because I did it myself. Here are the things my daughters Sophia and Louise were never allowed to do:
- go to sleepover parties
- make friends
- participate in school plays
- complain about not being allowed to participate in school plays
- watch TV or play computer games
- choose your own extracurricular activities
- get grades below «five»
- not be «student number 1» in any subject other than PE and drama
- play an instrument other than the piano and violin
- do not play the piano or violin
I don’t use the term «Chinese mother» literally. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who also fit this description. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese descent, usually born in the West, who are not true «Chinese mothers» either by choice or for other reasons. In the same way, I use the term «Western parents» generically. Western parents are also different.
But anyway, when Western parents consider themselves strict, they are usually very far from being «Chinese mothers». For example, I have friends who are considered very strict because they force children to play music for half an hour a day. Well, at least an hour. For a Chinese mother, the first hour of music lessons is the easiest. But the second or third hour, this is for real.
Despite all our struggles with cultural stereotypes, there are many studies that show noticeable and even measurable differences between Chinese and Westerners in regards to parenting. In one such study of 50 American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, about 70% of Western mothers said that «it’s not good to demand academic excellence from children» and that «parents should try to make learning enjoyable.»
At the same time, almost none of the Chinese mothers supported such ideas. Instead, they said that their children should be «the best students» and that «success in school reflects the right upbringing.» And if a child is not given education, this is the mistake of parents who “do not do their job.”
According to other studies, Chinese parents spend about 10 times more time during the day on educational activities with their children than Western parents. At the same time, Western children are more involved in sports sections.
Chinese parents understand a simple truth: no activity is enjoyable if you have not learned to do it well. To achieve perfection in any business, you need to work, and children themselves never want to work — that’s why you don’t need to follow their lead. This requires perseverance from parents, because the child will resist; the beginning is always difficult, which is why western parents give up quickly. But if you do not give up, the wheel of the Chinese technique begins to spin. Persistent practice, practice, and more practice is what is important for perfection; the «repetition-mother-learn» rule is greatly underestimated in America.
As soon as a child succeeds in something — whether it be mathematics, music, construction or ballet — he receives recognition, admiration and pleasure in return. This is how confidence is built. And the activities that used to be unpleasant begin to bring joy. And this, in turn, stimulates even more hard work.
Chinese parents can easily handle things that baffle Western parents. Once in my youth, when I behaved disrespectfully towards my mother, my father called me «garbage» in our native dialect. It worked. I felt terrible, I felt ashamed of my misdeed. However, it didn’t hurt my self-esteem at all. I knew exactly how much my father loved me. And I didn’t consider myself trash at all.
As an adult, I once did the same to my daughter Sophia, calling her «garbage» in English when she acted horribly towards me. When I mentioned this story at a party, I was immediately criticized. One of the women present, named Marcy, became so upset that she burst into tears and soon left our company. And my friend Susan, the mistress of the house, tried for a long time to rehabilitate me in the eyes of other guests.
It’s a fact: Chinese parents can do things that are unbelievable — or even not very legal — for Western parents. A Chinese mother may well say to her daughter, “Hey you fat, come on, lose weight!” In the same situation, Western parents lisp, tiptoe around the problem and use abstract words like «health». However, their children end up in psychotherapists with various disorders and negative self-esteem. I once heard a western dad fakely suck up to his grown daughter, calling her «beautiful and incredibly smart.» Later, she confessed to me that it was from these words that she felt like garbage.
Chinese parents can order their children to study for «A». Western parents can only ask that the child try to do «the best he can.» The Chinese mother says, «You are lazy, all your classmates have passed you by.» Meanwhile, the Western mother will struggle with her conflicting feelings about her child’s poor achievements, trying to convince herself that she is not upset by her children’s failures.
I have thought a lot about how Chinese parents manage to do this. It seems to me that this is due to three big differences in the minds of Chinese and Western parents.
First, I noticed that Western parents are very concerned about the self-esteem of their children. They worry about how the child will feel if they fail, and they constantly try to reassure their children of how good they are — despite mediocre test or audition results. In other words, Western parents are concerned about the psyche of the child. The Chinese are not. They mean strength in their children, not fragility. And as a result, they behave differently.
For example, if a child brings home an A-minus on a test, a Western parent is more likely to praise them. A Chinese mother in such a situation will be horrified and ask what happened.
If a child comes with a B, many Western parents will still praise him. Some will express disapproval, but will still try to make sure that the child does not feel discomfort; they won’t call him a «fool» or a «freak». Between themselves, Western parents will worry that the child does not study very well, or he does not like this subject, or maybe the lesson schedule is unsuccessful, or in general the whole school is bad. If the child’s grades do not improve, Western parents may go to complain to the headmaster about the wrong program or an unqualified teacher.
If a Chinese child comes home with a «four» — which should never happen — it will lead to an atomic explosion of screaming and hair pulling out. And then a terribly upset Chinese mother will take dozens or even hundreds of assignments in a given subject and will complete them with her child until he gets an «A».
Chinese parents demand excellent grades because they believe that their children can get such grades. If it doesn’t work, then the child hasn’t worked hard enough. That is why, in response to bad grades, they will criticize, punish and shame the child. Chinese parents believe that their child is strong enough to withstand these assaults and improve through them. And when the child succeeds, parents will generously bestow on him at home the fruits of their parental pride.
Secondly, Chinese parents believe that their children are indebted to them … in almost everything. The reason for this attitude is not very clear, but it may be a mixture of Confucian «filial piety» and the fact that parents sacrifice themselves to their children. Indeed, Chinese mothers spend long hours in the trenches of this war for their children’s education, personally taking lessons and constantly monitoring their child. One way or another, there is a generally accepted truth that Chinese children should spend their lives doing justice to their parents — obeying them and making them proud of their achievements.
Western parents, it seems to me, do not consider their children «eternally obligated.» And even my husband Jed has a different morality. “Children don’t choose their parents,” he once told me. They don’t even choose when to be born. It is the parents who give them life, which means that parents are obliged to help their children. Children don’t owe their parents anything. They will only owe their children.” These words struck me as a terrible example of Western thinking.
Thirdly, Chinese parents believe that only they know what their children need in life — and therefore reject all their own desires and interests of children. That’s why Chinese girls aren’t allowed to have boyfriends in high school or go camping overnight. That is why a Chinese child will never dare to say to his mother, “I got a part in the school play! I am Peasant N6! I now have to stay after school for rehearsals, and also rehearse on weekends.” I do not envy that Chinese child who dares to say such a thing at home.
Do not misunderstand me. This attitude does not mean that Chinese parents do not give a damn about their children. Exactly the opposite! They will give their lives for their children. It’s just a completely different parenting model.
Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But the worst thing you can do for a child’s self-esteem is to let him give up. On the other hand, the best way to boost your self-esteem is to do something you previously thought you couldn’t. See How to Raise Self-Esteem in Children.
There are many books now coming out where Asian mothers are portrayed as conservative, callous, blinkered people who ignore the interests of their children. For their part, many Chinese women secretly believe that they care about their children and are ready to sacrifice much more for them than Western parents who do not care if the child does not study well. I think there are kinks on both sides. All responsible parents want the best for their children. It’s just that everyone understands this «best» differently. In the West, the personality of children is respected, their independence and their own interests are encouraged, and lessons are positively reinforced and a friendly educational environment is provided. Meanwhile, the Chinese believe that the best protection for children is to prepare for a harsh future, to realize their strengths and to equip them with skills, habits and self-respect that no one can take away.
Afterword: Chua’s eldest daughter, Sophia, went to Harvard University and spoke out in defense of her mother.